


Drunken Nights

by Galxcs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Somewhere between teen and up audiences and mature, mentions of abuse, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 79,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23326111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galxcs/pseuds/Galxcs
Summary: Sirius Black may be the biggest heartthrob at Hogwarts, but every girl knows he’s as far from an open book as it comes. Turns out, the only person Sirius lets in on his secrets is one Remus Lupin on late chilly nights where Sirius has had a little too much alcohol to hold in the things that have been tugging at his heart.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 235
Kudos: 504





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! I had the idea for this fic, and for some reason I actually decided to write it unlike so many of my other ideas. I have a feeling that it’s definitely going to fall into a lot of wolfstar cliches, but I’m kind of a sucker for those, so hopefully it’s still enjoyable. I really love feedback, including writing tips (please), comments, and questions. Also, I try to edit everything well, but I often miss things, so I apologize for any mistakes, and feel free to give me corrections. Okay, have fun reading!

Remus wasn’t surprised to find that Sirius was out by the lake again. As he approached him, he could see the numerous half-empty bottles of firewhisky surrounding him. Hogwarts curfew was long gone, and there was a soft stillness to the night that surrounded them.

“I wish you would stop sitting out here so late. It worries me,” Remus said as he took a seat in the grass a foot away from Sirius.

Sirius did not startle at Remus’ words, and Remus’ reasoning behind them hung unspoken in the chilly night air. Remus didn’t want Sirius so close to the water when he was this drunk. He had told Sirius that before, but both boys didn’t expect nights like these to end anytime soon.

“I’ll be okay,” Sirius responded, his voice low and heavy with alcohol.

Sirius’ words felt like a joke when Remus really thought about them. He knew he was responding to Remus’ worry over sitting out so late, but with all these bottles around them, and the quiet sound of Sirius throwing pebbles into the lake, Remus wondered if they were true; if Sirius really would be okay someday.

He looked up at him, taking in his ivory skin and the way his dark hair seemed to be falling in his face more often these days. Sirius had hollow cheekbones and a sharp jawline that made his face all sharp wonderful angles with perfect black hair to frame it.

Sirius was attractive.

It wasn’t something Remus could lie about. Everybody knew it, and not just all the girls that Sirius took out, but even all of Sirius’ mates. James knew it, Peter knew it, Sirius definitely knew it, so Remus didn’t feel bad admitting it himself.

Sirius might have grown much taller since they were little, stronger too, but lately there was something about the way that Sirius’ appearance had changed over the years that Remus couldn’t stand seeing.

Remus’ gaze must have been strong enough to draw Sirius from his drunken stupor because Sirius turned into it, staring right back. And that was when Remus could see so clearly the thing that drove him mad.

Sirius’ eyes used to be a gray color that lit up the room every time he laughed, but now all Remus could see in them was the heavy weight of life. A weight that had drawn all the light from his gray eyes and filled them with something akin to sadness.

“What do you find so fascinating, that you can’t help but stare at me?” Sirius asked, his voice slurring in a way that his usual confident self only did on nights like these.

“Your eyes are not looking as gray as they used to,” Remus whispered.

There was something about the night that made Remus want to whisper. Maybe it was because it was already so quiet that any kind of disturbance seemed wrong and much too harsh. Or maybe Remus just hoped Sirius wouldn’t hear him.

“They’re the same,” Sirius assured Remus before turning back towards the lake.

The lake was pretty. It was a moonless night, which meant Remus did not have to avoid the ugly reflection of the moon on the water and could instead enjoy the look of the stars filling up the night sky.

It was hard to stay focused on the water, though. Remus was curious about what had happened to bring Sirius out here again tonight because, despite what Sirius said, there was always a reason. The silence dragged on until Remus could not take it any longer.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

Sirius took another swig from a bottle and sighed.

“It’s nothing worth your time.”

“Sirius,” Remus started, “you’re always worth my time.”

Sirius turned his head sharply to where Remus sat, trailing his eyes from where Remus was playing with the grass between his fingers to his shadowed face. He stared until Remus wouldn’t let him anymore and met Sirius with an exasperated look.

“Well then it’s a good thing this isn’t about me,” Sirius finally said.

“Your parents?” Remus guessed.

Sirius glared at him with cold eyes.

“Drop it Remus,” he snarled, whipping his head away again so that he could angrily glare at the water.

They both sat in silence for a bit. Remus didn’t feel bad for asking because he knew Sirius felt bad for snapping at him. He also knew that Sirius would tell him eventually anyways. He never seemed to have a filter when he got this drunk.

Just as Remus was about to speak up again, a soft weight fell on his shoulder and the smell of alcohol and leather filled up his senses. Looking down, Remus could only see Sirius’ dark eyelashes and black hair. It was falling into his face, but he didn’t seem bothered by it.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered, his hand absently tracing circles in the grass next to where Remus was picking at it.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Remus mumbled back, tilting his head towards Sirius as he spoke so that his words were whispered directly into the boy’s soft hair.

“It’s nothing really,” there was a long pause. “It’s just, I got another letter today from my parents about becoming a Death Eater.”

Sirius’ words were all slurred together and hushed from how he was angling his head.

“They can’t be serious. They know you’re not on their side by now.”

Sirius audibly scoffed and sat up a little. “Please. What they _think_ they know is that their prized pure-blooded son is just going through a terrible phase, and I’ll come back to them eventually. All I need is a little pushing.”

Sirius’ words were cold as ice and had the cutting edge of a sword. He threw another rock into the water, but this time much harsher.

“A little reminder here and there,” he said, and threw a rock. “A letter once and a while.” His words were getting louder and angrier, cutting into the peace that the night once had. “Put me in my place when I come home.” He threw another rock. “Because their perfect little son is still in there. Maybe enough crucios will draw him out.”

It was only on this type of night that Sirius had outbursts like these. It was only the influence of alcohol and Remus sitting beside him that would bring Sirius to actually voice his pain. His anger.

Remus placed his hand on Sirius’ before he could throw another rock. He knew that Sirius’ parents had used the cruciatus curse on him, but Sirius didn’t talk about it often, so he didn’t know how to respond.

“What if they’re right?” Sirius muttered.

“Sirius stop,” Remus said, his voice pained. “The only opinions that matter are those from the people who actually know you. James, Peter, Lily,” there was a barely noticeable pause, “me.”

Sirius nodded like he already knew that somewhere deep inside.

“And what’s your opinion?” Sirius said.

“What?”

“About me. If you know me so well, what is Moony’s opinion about the famous pure-blooded Sirius Black?”

Remus smirked softly to himself, thinking of all the things he could say. He didn’t even know where to start. Did he begin with first year when a very loud and excitable Sirius Black had taken in Remus as a friend without taking no for an answer. Remus, who in first year had scars all over and a terrible habit of stuttering.

Did he bring up the time in second year when Sirius had gotten a whole month of detention for fighting every last Slytherin in a group that had ganged up on Remus in the halls.

Glancing at Sirius and seeing him with his glazed over eyes made Remus wonder if he even remembered that he had asked a question in the first place.

“My opinion is that Sirius Black should really drink less.”

Sirius burst out laughing and turned to look at Remus, his eyes sparkling.

“But then when would I ever get time alone with my precious Moons?”

Remus tried to ignore the way his stomach fluttered at Sirius’ words. 

“Come on Pads; lets get you back to the dorms.”

Remus looked down at Sirius and sighed. It was not going to be easy getting him back to their room. Sirius looked up at Remus and smiled his stupid little innocent smile like he knew exactly what Remus was thinking. 

“Oh come on,” he said, grabbing Sirius by the arm, and hauling him up, ready to fall into bed and never wake up again.


	2. Chapter 2

Getting Sirius back to the dorms was always near impossible for Remus. He may have been pretty strong with working on the farm each summer and the whole werewolf thing, but Sirius was definitely larger than Remus from years of training for Quidditch and working out at home to keep his mind off his family.

Sirius’ legs were practically useless by the time he had consumed this much alcohol, and whenever Remus tried to get him up to head back, it was like a switch was flipped from dark and sulky drunk to loud and goofy drunk.

They had finally made it to the large staircase up to the dorms, and Remus currently had his entire arm wrapped under Sirius’ back and hooked under his arm to keep him upright. At some point, Remus had covered Sirius’ mouth with his free hand to keep him quiet as they snuck through the halls.

His hand tickled as Sirius continued lightly humming, despite Remus’ protests to shut up.

The Fat Lady was not happy at being woken up, but when she saw Remus who she often talked to on Remus’ prefect rounds, and Sirius who was shamelessly and very drunkenly flirting with her, she let them pass without a word.

The room was quiet except for Peter’s soft snores and the rustling of curtains near the window. Remus smiled, knowing they had opened the window for him. He liked sleeping with it open, but only on nights where the moon was far from full.

“Moooooony,” Sirius said, changing positions so he was practically dangling from Remus’ neck.

Remus laughed and was very thankful that it was dark in the room so that Sirius couldn’t see the blush that was creeping up his neck. He tried to get him off his neck and onto Sirius’ bed, but when Padfoot saw what he was doing, he stood up, clinging on tighter.

“Oh so now you can use your legs,” Remus muttered.

“I don’t want to go to sleep,” Sirius sang.

“Well it’s two in the morning and we have class tomorrow, so I don’t care if you want to go to sleep. Now be quiet, or I’m going to put a silencing spell on you.”

“Remey, you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore,” Sirius complained, slowly falling from his tight grip on Remus’ neck onto the floor.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake,” Remus breathed.

When he got Sirius standing, he finally just gave up and grabbed Sirius by the waist, throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes the way his dad always did to him when he was younger.

“Woah!” Sirius exclaimed. “Rems, when did you get so strong?” he asked, his voice finally sounding soft.

Remus brought Sirius to his bed and hauled him off his shoulder so that he landed with a thud on the mattress.

“When I hit werewolf puberty,” Remus deadpanned.

A loud laugh escaped Sirius’ lips, and Remus turned around quickly, checking to make sure nobody was stirring. When he turned back around Sirius was staring at him so intently that Remus had to look away for a second.

“What?” Remus asked.

He could barely see Sirius in the darkness of the room, but he could feel his eyes practically burning holes through him.

Sirius opened his mouth like he was going to say something deep, but what escaped them was, “I want more firewhisky,” and a wicked laugh followed.

Remus turned around again, but was met with a still snoring Peter and a drooling James. He was thankful to have the two deepest sleepers in all of Hogwarts as his roommates. Three deepest sleepers if he counted Sirius once Remus could actually get him to sleep.

“Go to bed, Black,” Remus muttered, pulling off his sweater and pants so he could change into an oversized white shirt with the image of a bright red apple and the name of his farm written on the top.

He didn’t bother putting anything on over his boxers and treaded over to his bed, thankful to get his bare feet under covers.

The room was quiet for a second until Sirius’ mischievous voice broke the silence. “You’re not going to help me into my pajamas?”

“Do it yourself,” Remus muttered, pulling his blanket over his head.

Remus listened to the sound of Sirius getting up and rustling out of his clothes. There was a loud thud, and something fell onto the ground followed by a string of curses. Instead of hearing the creak of the floor moving back towards Sirius’ bed, though, it came up to Remus’, and Remus felt his blanket being lifted off his head.

“You’re going to suffocate yourself one of these days,” Sirius mumbled, climbing into Remus’ bed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Remus asked, despite the fact that he already knew the answer.

When Remus was younger, he used to have terrible nightmares from the time leading up to the full moon. Somehow Sirius always knew when they happened because just as soon as he woke up gasping, a much smaller Sirius came clambering into his bed, pulling Remus to his chest. He told him that was what he always did for Regulus when he had nightmares.

As they got older, Sirius didn’t do it as often, but Remus was pretty used to Sirius forcing his way into Remus’ warmth on these drunken nights.

“Nothing,” Sirius responded, climbing under Remus’ blanket and pressing his warm feet against Remus’ very cold ones.

“Just don’t throw up,” Remus warned.

Sirius laughed softly, and closed his eyes. For the first time that night, it looked like he was finally settling down, and if it took sharing a bed with him to get some peace and quiet, Remus didn’t mind. Besides, he slept better with Sirius so close anyways. He was like a warm solid reminder of all those nights Sirius had spent comforting him.

Sirius took hold of Remus’ hand from where it was resting and held it under his head gently like a pillow. He hummed softly, and his breathing evened.

Remus didn’t have the energy to pull his hand away, so he left it, trying not to move and wake Sirius. It only took him a few minutes after Sirius to also drift off to somewhere between his dreams and a restful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you guys this was going to fall under a lot of Wolfstar cliches XD. Please tell me if I made any mistakes. I’m going to be adding this chapter to my tumblr at some point. Hope you liked it.


	3. Chapter 3

Remus woke up to a pillow being smashed into his face. He groaned and rolled over, hitting something solid next to him. His vision was blurry as light slowly entered his eyes, and he looked up to see a wild-haired James towering over him with a pillow in each hand.

“Wha—” Remus started groggily.

“It’s time for breakfast you two!” James sang, hitting Sirius in the face with another pillow.

Somewhere that Remus couldn’t see in his morning daze, Peter was laughing as James danced on top of them.

“Oh sod off,” Sirius hissed, pulling his own pillow up and around his ears.

“He’s a little hung over,” Remus said, sitting up and brushing a hand through his hair.

“A little?” Peter joked, finally coming into view and looking at Sirius who was basically passed out next to them.

Remus had long since gotten used to the others seeing Sirius and Remus sharing a bed. When Remus was younger he was always quite embarrassed when Peter or James would wake them up, but by now they knew how Sirius was, and somewhere along the way it stopped being awkward.

It wasn’t like Sirius hadn’t tried on James and Peter. Remus was just the only one that was too nice to push him off the bed.

James was finally drawn off of Remus’ bed when he himself was hit with a hurtling pillow thrown by Peter.

“You’re gonna pay for that!” he hollered, jumping down dramatically from the bed, so he could proceed to attack Peter.

While the boys were distracted, Remus put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and gently shook him. “Are you up for getting breakfast?”

Sirius groaned and shook his head. “Just go without me; I’ll be there for Potions after.”

Remus nodded even though Sirius couldn’t see him and got out of bed to change into his robes. Before he left, Remus made sure to leave some water and medicine next to the bed.

Sirius wasn’t there for Potions, so Peter and Remus had to let James join their table, resulting in their potion exploding in Remus’ face for the very first time ever.

“Sorry,” James said without sounding sorry.

When class was over, Remus wondered if they should check on Sirius before they went to Transfiguration, but just as he was about to voice his concerns, he looked up to see a very tired looking Sirius.

Sirius and James bumped knuckles, and Sirius fell in step with them like it had been practiced a thousand times.

“You missed Potions,” James said as they walked.

“I know.”

Remus could feel Sirius’ head turning towards him, and he held up a hand before he could say anything. “You can look at my notes, but no way are you copying my homework.”

“Oh come on Moony; just the first page?” Sirius whined, grabbing onto Remus’ arm.

Remus shook his head and looked at Sirius. “You’re the one who thought it would be a good idea to go get drunk, and miss your classes. Technically, I should report you.”

Sirius’ eyes sparkled as he looked down at Remus. “Then why don’t you, prefect?”

As they walked, James brought up something quidditch related that Remus was uninterested in, so he turned to Peter to talk about their Potions assignment. Remus was so focused on their conversation that he didn’t realize Sirius was trying to talk to him.

“You’ll be there right?”

Remus continued talking to Peter until Peter pointed behind Remus. Sirius and James were looking at Remus expectantly.

“Me? What? Go where?”

James, Sirius, and Peter all laughed at the confusion on Remus’ face, and he felt his cheeks burning up.

“To our Quidditch game tomorrow night. We’re up against the Ravenclaws,” James said.

Peter snorted. “Have fun trying to win that game.”

“Hey!” James bursted, smacking Peter on the arm.

“What! It’s true. Their team is stacked with good players. I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t lose a single game this season,” Peter claimed.

“A single game? No way!” James and Sirius both said in unison, causing them to turn to each other and both start laughing.

Sirius cut off his laugh and grabbed his head.

“You okay there, mate?” James chuckled.

“Remind me not to laugh while I’m hungover.”

It seemed that the original question had been forgotten, and Remus was grateful. He wasn’t planning on going, but he knew if the others knew that then they would do everything they could do to convince him.

The Marauders turned down a hall and made their way up the staircase, dodging out of the way of a group of Hufflepuffs who were tossing some kind of candy at each other and trying to catch it with their mouths.

Remus smiled to himself since it reminded him of a time way back in the first year.

Remus had spent a few years before Hogwarts being hid away in his family’s house as a result of becoming a werewolf. His parents had made it very clear that nobody could find out about Remus’ condition, and Remus had taken that fear of discovery with him to Hogwarts.

He could still remember how he jumped every time anyone so much as talked to him back then. He recalled numerous nights spent in the corner of the library where nobody noticed him, or evenings spent eating at the end of the table in the Great Hall, away from everybody.

There was one night in particular where Remus had waited up for everyone to be in bed, so he could return from the library and sit in front of the fire in the common room to read. He never usually sat there because it was a high demand spot, and there were usually too many kids in the common room for Remus’ liking.

A small noise had drawn Remus from his book, and he remembered whipping around so fast that he got a crick in his neck. There, standing a few feet away from him with a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans, was one Sirius Black.

 _Want to play a game?_ Sirius asked.

Remus remembered the terror he had felt then. From the first day on the train, Sirius Black had talked to Remus like they had been friends since forever. Sometimes he would talk to Remus when he was reading and clearly not listening to him. (Except he was listening; he just pretended he wasn’t.)

Looking up at Sirius Black in the firelight, Remus had shook his head softly, his bangs falling in his face to cover the scar by his eye.

 _It’s fun,_ Sirius offered.

And that was the first of many days that Remus had actually given in. He wanted so desperately to be normal. To play games with the other boys, and to not have to worry about hiding who he was for once.

He didn’t think one game would do any harm.

He didn’t think it would lead to anyone paying close enough attention to him to notice that he was absent once every month around the full moon, or that he had strange scars all over his body and had new ones after his strange absences.

Except that it did because one game lead to another game, which lead to a table mate in the Great Hall, which lead to the boys talking to him more in the dorm, which lead to so much more than Remus could ever have asked for.

The game that they played was fun like Sirius said it would be.

They took turns trying to toss the beans in each other’s mouths, but sometimes they tasted horrible like vomit and toenails. Remus didn’t mind the gross ones because Sirius was narrating the game, and every time a bad one was eaten, he would get really excited and start talking like a sports announcer, describing the gross tastes in detail.

The memory felt so ancient now. Like it couldn’t possibly have actually happened.

“Hello. Earth to Remus,” Remus heard softly next to him.

He turned and realized Sirius had been trying to talk to him. He looked around and realized that Peter and James were talking excitedly much ahead of them, and that somehow they had made it to the hallway that their classroom was in.

“Oh, sorry,” Remus mumbled, wondering how he could have zoned out so much.

Sirius looked so different now than he had in the memory. Remus didn’t realize he was staring until Sirius spoke up.

“What?” Sirius asked, looking Remus directly in the eye in that way that made Remus have to look away.

Sirius had always been like that. It was part of his charm. With one look he could make you feel like all of your walls were stripped down, and you were left there standing with all of your secrets written on your skin.

“Nothing,” Remus answered, watching his feet as they walked. There was a small hole in his shoe that he hadn’t noticed until now.

They made it to the classroom—James and Peter had already entered— but Sirius grabbed Remus’ arm and stood off to the side before they could go in.

“Are you going to the game tomorrow?” he asked, his voice hopeful.

Remus looked everywhere except at Sirius. “Umm.”

Sirius’ grip on Remus’ arm tightened, but not in a painful way. “Rems,” he said softly.

Remus finally tore his eyes up to Sirius’ dark gaze and sighed. “Sirius, you know I hate those things. It’s too loud, and there’s too many people, and I always get someone’s drink spilled on me. Besides, I’ll probably have homework to do, and the common room is always empty on game nights,” Remus babbled.

Sirius narrowed his gaze on Remus. “Well then who is Peter going to go with? He needs you. Besides, you’re our good luck charm. There’s no way we’ll win if you don’t go.”

“According to Peter, you’re going to lose no matter what.”

“Not if you go. Come on, don’t you like watching me and James play?” Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Remus laughed at Sirius’ antics. When he was done laughing, he could have sworn that he saw something in Sirius’ face soften considerably.

“I like watching you play; I just don’t like going to games. Maybe I can go to your practices or something,” Remus suggested.

“You _just_ like watching _me_ play?” Sirius said.

“Hmm?”

“You said ‘I like watching you play’. You don’t like watching James? None of the other players? Just me?” Sirius leaned closer to Remus, his eyes gleaming.

Remus was suddenly very aware of the hand that Sirius still had on Remus’ arm and the close proximity that they were in.

“Uh, no I mean, or, when I said you that wasn’t really just—” Remus stuttered. “I like watching _everyone_. You’re all fun to watch.”

Remus could feel his entire face heating up under Sirius’ scrutiny and he thought that he might be forgetting to breathe, but he couldn’t tell.

Sirius laughed loudly and pulled away abruptly. “I knew what you meant; I was just messing with you.”

Part of Remus was sad that Sirius had pulled away, but part of him took in a deep breath of relief. He felt like he wasn’t going to collapse anymore.

“So you’ll go?” Sirius said quickly, his voice light.

“Yeah,” Remus said without thinking. “Wait what?”

Sirius laughed again, turning his back towards Remus to head into class. “I knew I could convince you! Peter is going to be so happy. Thanks Moony,” he called behind him.

It took Remus a second of stunned silence to realize what just happened, but when he did, he raced to catch up with Sirius.

“Sirius! I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Nope, too late! You already said yes.”

Remus would have fought him, but suddenly the professor was speaking, and students were pulling out their textbooks and paper. Remus could just barely hear—thanks to his werewolf senses—Sirius whispering to Peter and James that he got Remus to go to the game.

Remus knew that Sirius knew he could hear him and opened his mouth to quietly protest, but James cut him off with two big thumbs up.

“Thanks mate, we knew we could count on you for the support,” he whispered.

Remus sighed. It looked like he was going to the game after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Like usual, the Gryffindor common room was abuzz with activity before the big game. It was the second week of November, and students were itching to get into the Quidditch season. Some students were chanting, but there were so many different chants happening that it just sounded _loud_.

Remus was tucked into his favorite cushy chair in the corner of the room, watching the events unfold in front of him.

There were some students painting lions on each others faces near him, but everyone was jumping around so much that the lions ended up looking like yellow and red blobs. Some kids were pulling on their Gryffindor hats and zipping up their coats in preparation for the cold.

Of course, right smack dab in the center of the room was Sirius and James along with many of the other Quidditch players. They were jumping up and down, surrounded by dozens of students who were all chanting excitedly.

Remus rolled his eyes at the display, with a smile on his face, and returned to the book he was reading.

“Ridiculous am I right?” a soft voice said from next to him.

Remus jumped, an old habit that he never seemed to be able to break. He turned his head and instantly knew who it was by the bright red hair tumbling down in a braid. Remus smirked and glanced at the boys.

“Yeah,” he agreed. Remus turned back to Lily. “Are you going to the game?”

Lily crinkled her nose in a very Lily way. “I’ve been roped into going. Mary’s playing, and Alice didn’t want to go and watch alone.”

Remus laughed because he understood all too well.

“You too?” Lily said, her eyes shining.

“Yup. Maybe we can all sit by each other?” he offered.

Lily looked excited by the idea and nodded happily. “I’d like that.”

Remus didn’t get a chance to respond to her because suddenly James was there, smiling brightly at Lily.

“Hi Lily! You going to the game?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but Remus could hear the hope in his voice.

Lily smirked at him. “Yeah, but I’m going for Mary.”

“I’ll take what I can get,” James said, bouncing on the balls of his feet like he always did when he talked to Lily.

Sirius wasn’t too far behind James, and he joined the group with one of his award winning smiles. He took a seat on the arm of Remus’ chair, so Remus scooted over, knowing that what Sirius actually wanted was to sit on the chair with him.

The moment Remus scooted over, Sirius dramatically tumbled off of the arm, falling into Remus’ lap.

“Oh sod off, tosser,” Remus complained, pushing Sirius up a bit.

Sirius laughed and slid over so that they were squished onto the chair together. It was a big chair, but Remus had to admit that it worked a lot better when they were younger.

“Oh hush, you love me,” Sirius teased.

Remus tolled his eyes.

“Did you hear that there’s going to be a party after the game?”

Remus pulled his hands into the sleeves of his sweater, balling the fabric between his fingers, and narrowed his eyes at Sirius. “Isn’t it going to be a little late for a party?”

“Yeah. It’s a secret party.”

“Well how many people know about it?” Remus asked.

“Most of Gryffindor, a few Ravenclaws, and a lot of Hufflepuffs,” Sirius listed.

“That doesn’t sound very secret.”

“The professors don’t know about it. Or the Slytherins.”

Remus shook his head and laughed. “So what happens if you lose?”

Something near the center of the room became louder, a series of cheers growing up and bouncing off the walls. Remus assumed that the team must be leaving to go warmup.

As Remus turned back around, he noticed that Lily was actually still talking to James, which might have been an all time record for conversation length.

“All the more reason to party!” Sirius called over the noise. Remus was confused for a second before he remembered his question. He gave Sirius a look that he hoped said _you’re very stupid_. “You’re coming, just so you know!”

“Sirius, I can’t go to a secret party!”

“Why not?”

Remus rolled his eyes, leaning in so as to be heard over the sound. “You do know I’m a prefect right? That’s the type of thing that I’m supposed to stop from happening. Not participate in.”

Sirius leaned in too, but he didn’t say anything. He just smirked.

“What?”

“I don’t know. It’s just a little funny considering Lily’s coming. She’s a prefect too, right?”

Remus shook his head in disbelief. No way was Lily Evans going to this so called “secret party”. Before Remus could even deny the fact, James turned away from Lily, grinning from ear to ear.

“Yes! She’s coming!” He yelled.

From somewhere across the room Sirius and James’ names were being called. They needed to head out for warmups. Sirius stood up, but he didn’t follow James to where he was heading.

Instead, he turned around to face Remus, putting both hands on either side of the chair. Sirius leaned in right up to Remus’ ear, his breath hot against his face. Remus suppressed a shiver and held his breath.

“You’re coming too,” Sirius whispered, and with no other words, he left.

Remus stared after him in disbelief. He tried to tell himself that Sirius had only done that because it was so loud in there. Why else would he have done it? But then how come he didn’t just shout like all the other times? Remus shook his head, knowing there was a reason for it, and not the reason that he wished it was.

He tried to get his mind away from the moment, but it kept coming back to him, playing over and over in his head. He didn’t have to dwell on it long because suddenly Peter was there, a bright smile on his face, and a small Gryffindor flag in his hand.

“Ready to go? I want to get good seats,” he said excitedly.

Remus nodded, standing up shakily, and taking a deep breath. They caught Alice on their way out, so they all went down to the pitch together.

Both teams were already out in the air to warm out.

The Ravenclaws were running air drills, taking turns zooming down the pitch, and then coming to a complete stop near the goals. Some of them did a couple flips in the air as they went, and others passed the Quaffle back and forth as they shot forward on their brooms.

The Gryffindors were doing scoring drills, passing to each other, and taking turns scoring on their Keeper.

Remus sat between Peter and Lily and watched as the stands began to fill. There was an excited energy around them as students took their seats for the first game of the year. Remus put on a pair of ugly lion gloves that Sirius bought him for games in their second year because his hands always got cold. At the time the gloves had been way too big for him, so they still fit him now.

“Hi. Sorry,” A voice said from Remus’ left, alerting him that someone needed to get by on the stands.

He stood up so that they could pass. It was two girls that Remus was familiar with. The one who had spoken was Sara Brown. She was a Gryffindor that Remus had met in Transfiguration class.

As she passed, the second girl came into focus. Amanda Davis was a Hufflepuff that Remus met in the library once when she needed help finding a book. When she got the book, though, she had joined him at a table to study. Every once and a while, Remus and her studied together or hung out when they were in the right groups.

Amanda smiled at Remus when she saw who he was. She had a nice smile; it was one that actually reached her eyes. They exchanged greetings as she passed, and Remus turned back again to look at the pitch.

“Who was that?” Lily said, nudging Remus in the arm.

“Hmm? Oh that’s Amanda, she’s one of Sara’s friends,” Remus explained, knowing that Lily was friends with Sara.

“Yeah, obviously. How do you know her?” Lily responded.

“We study together sometimes. She’s nice.”

“She’s really pretty,” Lily added.

Remus turned to look at Lily. “Yeah she is pretty,” he said skeptically.

Lily didn’t say anything for a second, and Remus wondered if that was the end of the conversation, but then Lily added, “So is she your type?”

“God, Lily,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “All it takes is me saying hello to a girl for you to start asking questions like that.”

“Oh come on! You won’t go out with any of my Gryffindor friends.” Lily looked at Remus like she was about to give one of her famous speeches.

“Honestly, Remus, you could probably get a lot of girls. I hate to say this, but as much as I dislike the whole Marauders thing, it’s crazy the way girls talk about you blokes. Plus, you’re really nice, and girls like that these days. I mean you are kind of dorky with your sweaters, but you’re really attractive now too.”

“Now?” Remus interrupted. “Thanks Lils.”

“I don’t mean you didn’t used to be attractive.” Remus narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re just… more attractive now.” Lily said unconvincingly.

“It doesn’t matter anyways. I’m not interested in Amanda.”

“Not even a little bit?” Lily pushed.

“Nope.”

Lily crossed her arms and watched the small players zip around the sky, her face in a pout. Remus laughed and also turned back to the players.

His eyes caught James flying much above everyone else. He was going in tight quick circles around some imaginary post. He stopped where he was going when the announcers voice took over the speakers, telling that the game was about to begin.

The players all joined each other in the center, waiting for the ref to release all of the balls and toss up the Quaffle. Once the game began, the players were off, and the announcer was speaking at speeds that Remus didn’t think the players could achieve on their brooms.

Gryffindor gained possession of the Quaffle right off the bat, and the chasers twisted and turned around the Ravenclaws, making their way down the pitch. At one point Sirius got the Quaffle, and the crowd cheered wildly for him as he got closer to the net.

Remus couldn’t help but admire the way that Sirius flew. He flew the way that he socialized at school: with an easy confidence that made everybody want to watch him.

Sirius passed the Quaffle to Mary, who went to score, but the Ravenclaw Keeper deflected it.

The crowd began cheering loudly, and it took Remus a second to realize why. A good distance above the game, James was zipping straight down towards the ground in a way that made Remus’ stomach flop just watching.

James’ flying was much different than Sirius’. He was good. Really good. But whereas Sirius made it look easy, James made it look like a battle. He flew for his life and put every ounce of energy he had into it, and the audience could tell. Remus never saw James look more focused than he did when he was playing. Except maybe for when he was flirting with Lily.

The game went on for a bit, and the Ravenclaws were up 100-40. The crowd was starting to lose its energy. If James caught the snitch now, they would win, but they wouldn’t have gained many points for the long run considering that the end of the year cup was based off of the team with the most overall points.

Nevertheless, the crowd was itching for the snitch to be spotted again. Even as Sirius scored another point, Remus could hear in their cheers that people were starting to get nervous for the snitch.

The Ravenclaw seeker, Bertram Aubrey, saw it first this time. There was a flash of red as James fought to catch up with Aubrey. They were neck and neck, and Remus wished he could see what was happening better. The announcer was calling things like _this is it, the moment we’ve all been waiting for._ If he blinked, Remus might have missed it because suddenly the crowd was on their feet. James had pulled through and caught the snitch at the last second.

Peter and Lily were cheering loudly next to Remus, so Remus stood up with them, laughing at Peter when he began jumping up and down, screaming, “I love you, James!”

“What were you saying about the Ravenclaws not losing a single game?” Remus teased Peter. 

“I don’t care what I said. That was bloody brilliant!” Peter yelled.

As they were leaving the game, Sara and Amanda caught up with them. Sara started talking to Lily and Alice, but Amanda fell in step with Remus and Peter. Remus felt awkward with Amanda now that he had had that conversation with Lily

“Hi, Remus,” Amanda said.

“Hi, how are you?” Remus responded politely.

“I’m good.” Amanda looked down at the floor and then back up at Remus almost sheepishly. She had extremely long dark hair that was falling in her face a bit. “So, have you heard about the party happening?”

“Umm,” Remus said, thinking about how Sirius had demanded Remus go. “Yeah.”

“Cool, I was, well I was wondering if maybe you were going?” Amanda stuttered.

“I don’t know. I feel like as a prefect it might be sort of strange if I go,” Remus laughed.

“Oh right. Well we can go together if you want? It might not be strange then,” Amanda offered. Remus didn’t mean to, but he must have pulled a face because Amanda quickly added, “Of course we’d go as friends! It just might be fun to hang out there or whatever.”

Remus smiled at Amanda. “Yeah, that would be great,” he said nicely.

“Okay. Cool.”

Amanda smiled and ducked her head again. Eventually she was pulled away by Sara, and she waved Remus goodbye, saying that she would see him later. Lily looked at Remus with the eyes of someone who had just eavesdropped.

“Don’t say a word,” Remus said before she could say anything.

“You just got a date to the party without trying at all!” Peter exclaimed for Lily.

“It’s not a date. You heard her. We’re going as friends,” Remus clarified.

“Suuure,” Lily, Alice, and Peter said at the same time.

Remus didn’t even bother trying to fight them on it. As they all headed back up to the castle, he tried not to think about what James and Sirius would say when they saw him and Amanda at the party together. He might never hear the end of it.

Then again, he thought maybe it might be a good thing because James always seemed to be bugging him about finding a girl. Not like he had found a girl or anything.

Remus sighed to himself as they made their way up the hill, already dreading the night that was about to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I wrote Sirius as a Chaser, but I’m honestly seeing him as a Beater now. I don’t have the energy to change it, but if you also see him as a Beater I apologize for mispositioning him XD


	5. Chapter 5

When they got to the common room after the game, Remus wasn’t surprised at what he saw. James was being hoisted in the air by what looked like the entire Quidditch team as everyone else whooped loudly around them. There were kids everywhere, all talking boisterously about the first win of the season.

Remus followed Lily and Peter, closely behind them, to the center of the room. By the time they got there, James had been put down, and he tackled Peter and Remus in a bear hug.

“Moony, Wormtail!” he screamed in their ears. “Did you guys see that catch! I mean it was mental right!”

“Yeah, good job Prongs! You did great!” Remus yelled.

“What about me? Did I do great?” Sirius joked, strolling into the small circle that they had formed.

The group talked about the game for a while as the common room got slightly less loud and rambunctious. Mary joined at some point, and Alice and Lily chatted excitedly about how well she played.

When things finally seemed to die down, Remus watched as James jumped up onto a couch, cleared his throat, and cupped his hands over his mouth.

“Can I get everyone’s attention please?” he called over the noise in the room.

Everybody turned their eyes towards James and quieted down. There was a long note of silence as he stood there mischievously, smiling down at them all.

“Who’s ready to party!” He finally screamed, stretching out the words so that they echoed around the walls.

The room erupted into a fit of cheers, and Remus laughed at how outgoing James was. It was so loud that Remus couldn’t hear himself think. He was sure that a professor would come in soon and shut down the party before it had even started.

Luck must have been on their side because no such thing happened. Instead, James somehow managed to get the group of rowdy Gryffindors to quiet down to the point where it was absolutely silent.

It was ridiculous, the amount of power that James seemed to have. He could get a whole room to do anything just by saying the word. James beckoned Peter and Remus up to the front of the crowd, near the portrait hole, where he and Sirius were already standing.

“You ready for this?” Sirius whispered to Remus.

“Ready for what exactly?” Remus asked nervously.

Sirius only chuckled lightly in response.

James had the Marauder’s map tucked in his hands, carefully placed so that all the students behind them couldn’t see it. Remus tried to lean in front of Sirius to get a glance because he honestly didn’t trust James to guide them all wherever they were going without getting caught, but Sirius pushed him back gently.

“You’re going to spoil the surprise,” Sirius said.

Remus rolled his eyes, not even bothering to tell Sirius that he couldn’t spoil the surprise since the map didn’t exactly tell him where the secret location that they were going was.

“Okay, let’s go,” James said loud enough that everybody could hear, but quiet enough to alert them that they still needed to stay silent.

As they were leaving, James handed the map to Sirius and stayed back behind the large group. Remus turned his head as they walked to see James leaning against the wall, chatting comfortably with the Fat Lady.

 _Of course, James was sweet talking her into not telling anyone about the entire Gryffindor house’s absence_ , Remus thought to himself.

Sirius guided them swiftly down the halls. If anything, Sirius’ presence was even better at commanding the crowd than James’. Remus had never in his life heard a group of _Gryffindors_ be quiet.

Occasionally Sirius would halt the group with his hands in the air, and Remus was positive that they had backtracked in order to avoid professors. At some point, James joined the Marauders again at the front, but he didn’t take the map back from Sirius.

The group got deeper and deeper into the castle, turning down halls that Remus didn’t know even existed. Noise began to pick up a little among the excitable students, but all it took was James turning around and putting his finger on his lips to quiet down the group again.

Suddenly, James and Sirius stopped in front of a large painting of a boot. There were mice scuttling around at the bottom of the painting underneath the boot. Their squeaks left the painting, filling the hallway, and Remus could feel Peter leaning over his shoulder to see better.

James pulled out his wand, lighting it up with a muttered, “Lumos.”

He touched each corner of the painting with the lit tip of the wand and then did a complicated swirling motion around the front of it.

Remus watched in awe, wondering how on earth they had managed to discover this. He also wondered what would happen to their grades if James and Sirius put this much energy into school.

Sirius leaned in close to Remus. “We found it one day while we were adding to the map,” he whispered. “There’s one of these back at my family's home meant for hiding in or something. I knew it was the same thing because of the signature at the bottom.”

Remus leaned in, noticing a squiggly and very unreadable signature just under the tip of the boot.

“You should have seen how long it took us to get the right wand movements to open it,” Sirius laughed quietly.

“Is this where you two kept disappearing off to at the beginning of the school year?”

“Maybe.”

Remus stifled a laugh and watched as James took a step back just as the painting came swinging back quickly. Sirius chuckled to himself, so Remus eyed him questioningly.

“First time we opened it, James got hit by the painting and flew back into that wall.”

“Glad you could find joy in my pain,” James whispered, coming up to join them.

Sirius laughed and turned to the crowd.

“Parties this way,” he yelled, his voice piercing the silence like a bird landing in still water.

Remus winced at the loudness of it and swore someone must have heard, but according to the map there was nobody nearby, and none of the others seemed concerned.

It did get the group moving excitedly forward, following Sirius into the hole in the wall. People were practically stumbling over each other's feet as they moved.

There was a long dark hallway at the beginning of the opening, and slowly one by one, wand lights began to shine on the walls. The hallway cut off into a large opening that—even with all of the strange white lights glowing around them—was impossible to see.

James said a spell that Remus didn’t recognize and Sirius joined him. Slowly as they muttered spells, the room began to be filled with strange dizzying lights, giving the allusion of a disco ball.

Remus could see now that the room was like a cave. It was gigantic, but it had rounded stone walls and a flat cement-like floor. The walls were dancing in all kinds of colours flashing around the room that made Remus feel like he was in a nightclub, thanks to Sirius and James’ spells.

There were a few couches set up that made Remus wonder how they had gotten the couches into the room and where they had come from.

In the corner was a long table with stools set up like a bar. The wall behind the bar was lit up in a fancy way, and Remus could see shelves had been carved into the stone wall. The shelves were filled to the brim with all kinds of drinks.

James and Sirius didn’t stop with the lights. Soon the room was filled with all sorts of decorations, and music filled the air, seemingly coming from nowhere.

Immediately, the Gryffindors started the party. Some went straight for the bar, quickly finding out that it had never ending drinks. Others hit the centre of the room, which seemed to be the dance floor, and started jumping along with the music.

“I’m going to go get the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws!” James called to the Marauders over the music.

Sirius nodded in response and turned excitedly to Remus and Peter. “Is this cool or what?”

“You two are literally insane,” Remus responded.

“What do you mean? This is bloody awesome!” Peter said, glancing around the room like he still couldn’t believe it.

Remus could see Lily coming towards them from the way her red hair flashed anytime that the lights hit it.

“Hi Peter! Hi Remus,” Lily said, blatantly ignoring Sirius.

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Nice to see you too Lily!”

Lily laughed also and turned towards Remus. “So how is Amanda going to get here?”

Remus opened his mouth to tell her that James was grabbing some of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, but Sirius interjected.

“Amanda?”

Again, Remus opened his mouth to respond, but this time Peter beat him too it.

“Amanda is Remus’ girlfriend.”

Remus’ mouth dropped open, and he lost all of his words. He looked over and saw Lily nodding. Before he could regain his composure, Sirius spoke up.

“Girlfriend?”

Remus would have clarified that she was _not_ his girlfriend, except he was caught off guard when he looked at Sirius. Maybe it was just the lighting in the room, but his eyes looked much darker than they did a second ago, and his shoulders were tense in a way that Remus was sure hadn’t been like that a moment before.

“Yeah, she asked him to the party at the game,” Peter said.

“Okay, hold up,” Remus huffed.

Sirius interrupted, actually sounding hurt. “When were you planning on telling me you had a girlfriend, Moony?”

“She is _not_ my girlfriend!” Remus snapped.

“Who’s not your girlfriend?” a voice from behind Remus said.

Remus whipped around to find Amanda standing there. Amanda had changed outfits from the game and was wearing a skirt and a blouse now. She had fixed her long hair in a simple way to get it out of her face.

“Uh, nobody,” Remus said. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius narrow his eyes, and he desperately wished that Amanda hadn’t come that very moment. “You look nice,” Remus added.

The second he said it, he knew it had been a mistake. He hadn’t said it to be flirty or because he was interested in Amanda, but it was just how Remus was. He had always tried to be as kind as possible, and if that meant complimenting his friends who looked nice, that was what he did.

Amanda beamed at Remus. “Thanks,” she said sincerely. “I told some of my friends I would say hi once I got here, but I’ll find you after, okay?”

“Sounds good,” Remus said. “No rush,” he added, hoping the others would take that as him not caring when she came back.

Amanda smiled and waved a little goodbye before turning and disappearing into the crowd. When Remus turned back to the group, everybody had their eyes on him with suggestive looks.

“Oh, stop. We’re just friends,” he insisted.

“You told her she looked nice,” Lily commented.

“I was being nice!”

“Okay,” she said, putting her hands in the air defensively. “I’m surprised you haven’t disappeared yet to whichever girl you’re dating at the moment,” Lily jabbed at Sirius, changing the subject.

“Jasmine and I are on a bit of a break right now,” Sirius answered, keeping his cool composure.

“Right,” Lily said, not trying to hide the sass in her tone.

Lily and Sirius’ rivalry always humored Remus. They were both his best friends and seeing them squabble was entertaining, especially because of Lily’s fire and Sirius’ calm. They eyed each other up for a second, both daring the other to start an argument.

Lily took the bait, unable to help herself. “So what are you going to do now? Sirius Black at a _party_ with no girl? Unheard of.”

Sirius gave Lily a smirk that was practically trademarked by now. “I would have just danced with Moony, but it looks like he’s finally gotten himself a girl.”

“Shut up,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t bring me into this.”

Peter and Lily both laughed, but Sirius didn’t let his eyes leave Remus. Remus rose his eyebrows silently at him, wondering what was wrong. He had been acting strange ever since the party had a started, giving Remus weird glances and seeming moodier than usual. Sirius just shook his head at Remus and turned back to Lily.

“Someone will find me eventually,” Sirius said. “They always do.”

And Sirius wasn’t wrong. Only five minutes went by before a group of girls came giggling up to him, asking for a dance. They didn’t go too far, and Remus watched Sirius twirl a girl casually around his arm out of the corner of his eye. He shook his head, trying to ignore it.

He had gotten used to ignoring Sirius when he was like this. It wasn’t really Sirius. At least, not fully. There had always seemed to be so many sides to him, and it had taken Remus a long time to figure them all out and decide which ones were truly him.

There was this side of Sirius. Playboy. Heartthrob. The one who walked down the hallways, knowing exactly who he was, and what everyone thought about him. He went through girls like he went through his homework. Quickly and without thought.

It kind of played in with his next personality. The popular, carefree, class clown. The one who didn’t care about rules and did as he pleased. There was something about this side that was much closer to the real him than just going through girls. Maybe it was because people got actual joy from Sirius’ jokes. His pranks. Even the professors thought some of them were pretty funny, but they would never admit it.

Those were the sides of Sirius that everybody at school thought of him.

Then of course there was what Sirius’ friends saw. What the Marauders saw. They saw Sirius, the one who if James was going down for a prank, he was right alongside him. Sirius, the one who helped Peter on his Defense Against the Dark Arts homework despite the fact that he wouldn’t even do his own homework.

Sirius, the friend who suggested becoming animagus just so that they could be there with Remus through his transformations. The one who stayed up with Remus on bad nights and made sure he ate in the mornings. The one who sometimes hid in the hospital wing until Madame Pomfrey wasn’t around so that he could stay with Remus while he was bored.

That was the best side of Sirius. Remus thought that was the real side of Sirius too.

There were parts of Sirius, though, that only Remus got to see of him. James may have been Sirius’ best friend, but sometimes it seemed the only person that Sirius let hang around when he was at his worst was Remus. He didn’t know how to feel about that, except that he would continue to be there for Sirius until he didn’t want Remus there anymore.

It was on drunken nights by the lake that Sirius would pour his heart out to Remus. Or it was on mornings that Sirius didn’t want to get out of bed, and nobody seemed to know why; when he would make Remus stay with him, and tell him about the latest horrible thing his parents had done. It was the days after winter break, when Sirius came back looking like he hadn’t eaten for a while, and did he have a limp in his walk? Sirius would sit in Remus’ bed at night with a silencing charm and tell him how that break had been worse than the last.

That was the hidden side of Sirius. The one Remus wondered if Sirius had let any of the girls he dated know about. Selfishly, Remus hoped not. It was terrible to think, but there was somewhere inside Remus that was grateful Sirius only trusted Remus, and James too, with those things.

Remus cared about Sirius. Maybe a little too much, and probably in ways that Peter and James definitely did not, but he wasn’t ready to explore those ways or feelings just yet. Maybe not ever.

Remus thought that perhaps he loved Sirius. It didn’t feel strange, though. It was something Sirius already knew about Remus; he just didn’t know that there might be something more to that love than friendship, and Remus was fine with that.

He was fine with it for the same reason that, after two summers ago, Remus had been fine not dating at all.

It may have been easy for the others to forget the implications of being a werewolf, but Remus would never be able to escape them. The fact that the Marauders knew about his lycanthropy and didn’t care was a one in a million chance. It wouldn’t exactly be easy for Remus to tell anyone who he was in a relationship with that he was a werewolf, and he had learned that the hard way.

Even if he did tell someone that he was a werewolf, and for some crazy reason they were okay with it, how could Remus subject them to a life of that? He would be risking hurting whoever he was with. He already hated that he did that with the Marauders.

He would do the same pathetic things that he did now. Not eating, not sleeping, skipping classes. Except, it wouldn’t just be him anymore. It would be someone else who had to see him like that, and someone else who would maybe worry about him, and that was what Remus would hate the most.

So yes, Remus may have felt things for Sirius, but he could not explore them, not only because of all of that, but also because he could never risk losing such a close friend. Never.

And yes, Amanda seemed like an extremely nice girl, and she was very pretty, but what would happen if he let himself date her, and somehow they fell in love? He would have to break it off eventually and ruin all of it, hurting her in the process.

“Remus are you okay?” Lily asked, her voice breaking through the thick of Remus’ thoughts.

“Hmm…what?” Remus said, looking back from where he had been staring absently at the crowd of dancers. Lily’s face looked worried, and Peter was also looking at Remus strangely. “Oh, yeah I’m fine. I just zoned out for a second.”

“Are you sure, mate? You looked kind of—” Peter struggled for a word.

“Sad,” Lily supplied.

Remus laughed, glad for his friends’ concern. “Seriously, I’m fine.”

Eventually Amanda found Remus again, and when she did, Peter and Lily “conveniently” excused themselves to get a drink.

Remus didn’t know what to say to Amanda. They only ever really talked about school, and Remus didn’t think that was the right conversation topic for a party.

“Do you want to dance?” Amanda asked.

Remus didn’t want to agree to dance with Amanda because he really didn’t want to lead her on, but he also couldn’t think of anything else to do.

“As friends,” she added playfully, sensing Remus’ hesitation.

Remus laughed lightly. “Dancing sounds good.”

Amanda looked happy at Remus’ answer, and together they made their way to the makeshift dance floor. Remus guided Amanda to the outside a bit, so they weren’t directly in the center. She gave him a questioning look.

“Too many people,” he explained, “and too much noise.”

Amanda smiled, and added, “This is better for talking.”

Dancing was a little awkward at the beginning. Remus didn’t know where to put his hands until Amanda put hers on his shoulders, laughing at how awkward he looked. Eventually he loosened up, though, and after a while he started to actually have fun.

Amanda was really kind, and she was easy to talk to. She told Remus about her life and how strange it had been to discover that she was a witch.

She asked Remus if he minded that both her parents were muggles to which he replied, “It doesn’t make you any less of a witch.”

Amanda smiled at that and kept speaking. Remus wondered what she would have said if he asked her if she minded that he was a werewolf.

Amanda talked about her younger sisters, both of which were muggles like her parents, and her life at school before she came to Hogwarts. It was nice listening to her talk. She was good at telling stories and spoke with a confidence that Remus never seemed to be able to achieve when he talked about himself.

When Amanda started asking him questions, Remus tried to keep things light. He told her about his life as an only child on the farm, and how his dad was a wizard, but his mom was a muggle. He steered away from anything that could lead to his lycanthropy in any way.

Amanda was very interested in hearing about his parents and how they met. Remus could see that she was a bit of a romantic as she asked him what happened when his dad told his mother that he was a wizard. Remus tried to tell the story that his parents had told him as best as possible, but he didn’t think that he did it justice.

At some point Remus’ eyes strayed from Amanda for a second, and he noticed Sirius dancing near the center. The girl that he was dancing with had on what looked like layers of makeup, considering Remus could see it from where he was standing. She had her hands wrapped all the way around Sirius’ neck and was standing closer to him than Remus thought was possible.

The strange thing was that Remus had seen Sirius dance with girls before. Sirius got into it more than Remus cared to think about, but this was not like those times. While the girl definitely seemed to be enjoying herself, Sirius was barely moving, and occasionally broke away from her to take a drink of something.

It didn’t make any sense. This was Sirius’ party after all, and he wasn’t even really partying. At least, not how he usually did.

Remus drew back to Amanda who was looking at him like she had asked a question.

“Uh, sorry what was that?” Remus asked, hoping he could pretend he hadn’t heard Amanda over the loud music.

“Oh, I said that it must be hard being an only child. I don’t know what I would do without my sisters,” Amanda repeated kindly.

“It’s actually not horrible,” Remus said, shrugging. “It gets a little boring over the summers, but James, Sirius, and Peter visit often enough.”

Remus still felt weird calling them the Marauders in normal conversation, despite the fact that he was pretty sure Sirius and James made sure everyone knew who they were.

“That’s nice. They seem like good friends,” Amanda responded.

“Yeah, they really are,” Remus said, looking back up at where Sirius was dancing. _And that’s all we’ll ever be,_ he added in his head.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in James’ perspective :0

James couldn’t find anyone anywhere.

The party was a hit so far. He had spent much of it trying to flirt with Lily, but he finally gave up after a while. A man could only take so much rejection in one night.

He had left with finding Sirius in mind, but after checking the entire dance floor, James was giving up hope on finding him. 

Instead, James found the last person he expected on the dance floor.

“Ream of paper! Is that a _girl_ you’re dancing with?” James exclaimed, grabbing Remus by the shoulder, and not caring one little bit if he was embarrassing him.

Remus laughed and introduced the girl he was with as Amanda. The girl had a nice smile and seemed sweet, definitely passing James’ “is she good enough for Moony” test that he made her take without them even knowing.

It was probably the jokes that she made about Remus’ hesitation to dance with her and the fact that he was wearing a sweater even at a party that sent James over the top. Remus laughed along with them, and James was glad to see that he looked happy.

“Okay, I’ll let you two get back to dancing. Do you happen to know where Sirius is, though?” James asked.

“Yeah he’s dancing right over the—” Remus cutoff as he realized that Sirius was, in fact, not dancing in the location he was pointing. “Uh, never mind; I have no clue where he is.”

James shrugged and waved the two goodbye before setting out again. He wouldn’t be surprised if Sirius had taken whoever he was dancing with somewhere more private, but he was kind of mad that he had to do that at _their_ party.

His suspicions were proven false quickly after he thought of them because he found Sirius sitting at a stool near their homemade bar that was right across from the dance floor.

“Padfoot! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” James said, jumping onto the stool next to him.

“I’ve been here,” Sirius responded.

“Did you see that Moony is dancing with a girl? A real actual girl.”

“Oh yeah, I saw.” Sirius said, sounding agitated about the fact.

“Is something wrong?” James asked, just then noticing that Sirius was staring moodily into the crowd.

James followed Sirius’ gaze onto the dance floor. He could have been mistaken, but it almost looked like he was staring at Remus and Amanda. Sirius didn’t answer James’ question.

“Did you meet Amanda?”

Sirius scoffed. “Yes, I met Amanda.”

James didn’t know what to say. Sirius wasn’t exactly giving James detailed answers, but he didn’t want to leave him when he seemed so obviously down.

“Is there something wrong with her?”

James looked nervously to where Remus and her were dancing. It wasn’t as much dancing as it was swaying and talking, but James thought that suited Moony better. Sirius’ comment made him on edge. He would hate to imagine that the first girl Moony started to like was secretly crazy or something.

“No, nothing at all,” Sirius said sarcastically.

“Okay, now you _have_ to tell me what’s wrong,” James insisted.

Sirius finally tore his gaze away from the dance floor and fixed his heavy eyes on James. “I said it was nothing.”

James wanted to comment that Sirius had said it sarcastically, but seeing the drink in Sirius’ hand and the sad look in his eye made James drop it (for now).

“So what happened to the girl you were dancing with?” James asked.

“She wasn’t my type,” Sirius responded.

“I never thought that you had a type.”

“Well I do.” James watched as Sirius’ gaze fixed back into the crowd. “She wasn’t it.”

His whole life, James’ friends had teased him about being oblivious. He always seemed to be the last one to know about things, and it took him a while to catch on to subtle hints that everybody else always understood. But for once, James finally thought that he had figured something out on his own.

He thought about how longing Sirius sounded, and how he was here sulking, and the fact that there was some spot in the crowd that Sirius didn’t seem to be able to take his eyes off of. In fact, James felt so smart that he grinned and put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“I figured out what’s wrong with you,” James said, mustering up as much sincerity that he had in him. It was a hard feat, but he did it for Sirius.

Sirius looked back at James skeptically. Was there a hint of nervousness that he also saw there?

“I saw that longing look over there. You’re in love aren’t you?” Sirius’ eyes filled with panic, so James rushed on. “Don’t worry! It’s okay. I totally support you.” James said.

“You do?” Sirius asked, his voice sounding almost like it had when he was a child.

“One hundred percent.”

There was something that seemed to sober Sirius in his words. His eyes cleared up, and filled with a light that James didn’t think he had seen in them for a very long time. He looked like he was going to cry.

“You don’t know how many times I thought about telling you,” Sirius started.

“I’m not as oblivious as I seem.”

Sirius actually laughed. “Maybe just this once.”

“So who is she?” James asked.

Sirius looked confused “She?”

“Come on, don’t be shy. It’s got to be someone we can see. I can’t believe you fell in love, Pads. She can be like your Lily! Imagine how sad all the other girls are going to be when they find out your heart has been stolen by someone special,” James felt himself babbling away excitedly as he looked into the crowd.

It was hard to see. There were so many people, all jumping around and dancing in a way that didn’t exactly make sense from afar. The colorful lights bounced off of walls and over bodies, giving the room a sort of underwater quality. James thought he quite liked it.

He turned back to Sirius, who had a strange emotionless expression, and was looking down at his hands.

“So?” James prompted. “Who is the girl who’s actually good enough for you to fall in love with?”

Sirius looked back up at that spot, and James tried to follow it the best he could. The only people he could see through the thick of moving bodies was Amanda and Remus from how they were standing off to the side, away from everyone. He rubbed his glasses on his shirt and put them back on, but it did nothing to help.

“It’s not Amanda right?” James asked hesitantly.

He regretted it the second he said it from the way Sirius’ face contorted into a look of pure disgust.

“Okay, right. Not Amanda,” James said, hurrying on.

“James, no offense, but I’m not ready to tell you about the,” Sirius paused, “girl…That I fell for.

“Right. Totally understandable. No rush. No rush at all. I definitely understand that you wouldn’t tell your best mate about the first girl that you’ve ever in your entire life fallen for, after you’ve gone through so many of them. Got it,” James prattled.

“Thanks,” Sirius mumbled, taking a big swig of his drink.

James sat quietly next to Sirius for a second.

He bounced his leg a few times and ran a hand through his hair.

He sat there for another second.

James glanced at Sirius, who hadn’t moved at all since he said thanks.

Another second went by.

“Okay!” James exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. “That was fun. I’ll take care of your secret. Promise.”

Sirius shifted his gaze slowly from the floor to where James was. Sirius was James’ best mate, but James never seemed to know how to handle him when he got like this.

“Alright bye,” he said, rushing back into the thick of dancing people.

As he was moving quickly, he heard his name over the crowd and swiveled around. After scanning his eyes back and forth a couple of times, he saw Remus looking at him. James backtracked so that he could hear what Remus was saying better.

“Did you find Sirius?” Moony wondered.

“Yeah, he was actually right there,” James said pointing to the bar across from them. “But I would _not_ suggest talking to him anytime soon.”

“Wait, why?” Remus sounded concerned as he spoke.

“He’s in a mood,” James grumbled.

“Is he drunk?”

“Yeah, but not like fun drunk. He was acting all dark and moody. You know that thing he does that makes all the girls think he’s cool and mysterious? Bloody annoying is what it is.” James complained.

“Uh… ‘kay, thanks.” Remus said.

James nodded, leaving Remus to Amanda so that he could go find somebody to dance with.

 _Maybe Lily would say yes if I asked just one more time,_ he thought hopefully as he turned to try and find her once again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I just want to say thank you so much for all of the comments, bookmarks, and kudos I’ve been receiving. I especially love seeing your feedback, so I know what you guys think about the chapters! (Helpful criticism is welcomed.) For anyone who didn’t know, I am also posting the chapters on my tumblr (same name as here), so if you would rather be reading it on that platform, it’s there too. Thanks again for all of the support <3
> 
> Warning for this chapter: mentions of physical abuse

Remus couldn’t stop thinking about Sirius. He was starting to feel bad about how many times he had asked Amanda to repeat herself. Finally, he stopped her with an apologetic look in his eye.

“I’m so sorry, but I’m really worried about Sirius. Would you mind if I go checked on him?”

“Of course not! Go make sure he’s okay.”

“Thanks,” Remus said, turning away from Amanda.

He was glad that she hadn’t minded and made his way swiftly over to the bar. Sirius was right where James said he was, and Remus was grateful that he hadn’t moved. More so, he was grateful that he hadn’t done anything stupid yet.

Sirius had a blank expression on his face and was nursing a bottle in his hands. Remus wanted to get him back to the dorm because he didn’t want him to do anything he would regret, but he was nervous to get him moving.

Remus sat down on a stool and gently put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Sirius?”

Sirius didn’t seem to register that his name had been said, so Remus shook his shoulder gently. Sirius just kept staring at some spot on the floor, his eyes completely blank. Remus stood up and crouched down in front of him, putting his hands on Sirius’ knees to steady himself, and forcing his body into Sirius’ line of sight. He watched Sirius’ eyes slowly move from the ground to Remus’ face.

“Moony?” he asked dully.

“Hey.”

“I was just thinking about you,” Sirius mumbled, barely audible over the loud music.

“Really? What about?” Remus asked, trying to keep him distracted.

The one other time that Sirius had looked like this had been one of the worst nights that the Marauders had to endure, and Remus would do anything to avoid that. It happened during fifth year. Remus had been recovering from the full moon in the hospital wing, so he had to hear the first part of the story from Peter and James.

It had been a really bad night for Sirius. His parents had pulled him out of school for the weekend, claiming that he needed to attend some great-aunt’s funeral or something. When Sirius got back, he had burns from a wand down his arm, and his long hair had been magically cut so unevenly that there were pieces sticking up in strange ways, and part of his scalp was red and sore.

Remus remembered listening intently as James filled him in, saying that Sirius was a mess the second he entered the dorm. It had been hard to listen as James described a Sirius that had an emotionless face, yet was also shaking and angry.

They could tell that he was drunk, and James tried to calm him down, but they said he started throwing things around the room. James was pretty athletic, and Peter was a little hefty for his age, but Sirius’ build was much larger and occasionally intimidating, so the two boys couldn’t get Sirius to stop.

Remus came in just as Sirius threw a glass vase against the wall. Somehow, Remus had managed to calm Sirius down, but only after Sirius punched the wall so hard that he had to drink a potion from Pomfrey for a week.

When Remus looked back, he realized it hadn’t been so much calming him down as it was just shifting his anger into panic, which wasn’t much better.

He could still remember Sirius shaking in his arms, his skin a papery white color. Eventually, James and Peter left when Sirius started yelling for everyone to get out, but Sirius hadn’t let Remus leave.

At first, they sat in the dorm floor while Remus ran his fingers through Sirius’ uneven hair, trimming and cutting the edges with a pair of school scissors so that it looked like a normal hair cut. Remus didn’t like to admit that his fingers had trembled a little as he worked.

Then, Remus talked to him all night, but not about what had happened with his parents. Sirius hadn’t been ready to talk about it that night, but he stayed awake while Remus told him about how when he was little he was skipping rocks on the creek by the farm without telling his parents and ended up falling in. When Remus finished the story, Sirius asked him to tell another, and after that one, he asked for another and another until Remus’ tongue felt heavy, and his eyes were drooping closed.

They were sitting in the floor, leaning against the bed, and at some point while he was speaking, Sirius had fallen asleep. Remus hadn’t had the energy to get up and move, so he fell asleep also, his head falling onto Sirius’ shoulder.

The next morning, Remus could recall waking up sore everywhere. His neck was bent awkwardly against Sirius’ shoulder, and he could feel Sirius’ head on top of his. His back hurt from where it was resting against the bed, and his butt was sore from sitting on the floor all night.

He couldn’t even remember how he had managed to pull away from Sirius without waking him, but when he did, he had discovered that Peter and James had come back at some point and were both sleeping soundly.

Remus cleaned the room quickly, sweeping away the shattered glass from the night before. He put the things that had been thrown around the room back where they belonged and left quietly to get some bandages from the hospital wing.

He knew where they were from so many nights spent there. Luckily, Madame Pomfrey was sleeping, and there were no students around, so it was easy for him to grab them.

He did everything before the others woke up, and when they did, Remus bandaged Sirius’ hand, asking him to get it checked when he wasn’t hungover anymore.

Later, by the lake, Sirius told Remus about that weekend. He told him about how his parents had wanted him to get the Dark Mark and burned down his arm until he would agree. He told him about how they had ripped down all the posters in his room, and taken all of the possessions that made him who he was. He told him about how he didn’t give in, not even when they cut his hair from his head, telling him that what they were doing was for his own good.

Remus could see that whole night so clearly in Sirius’ face as he crouched on the floor, music blaring in his ears, and a broken boy in front of his eyes. Drawing out of the memory, he looked down at Sirius’ hands, picturing them bloody from where he had punched the wall.

Sirius hadn’t responded to Remus’ question, so he asked again, trying to draw him out of his stupor. “What were you thinking about me?”

Remus slowly took hold of the bottle in Sirius’ hands, setting it idly on the ground.

“I was thinking about your hands,” Sirius mumbled.

“Oh?” Remus said, paying more attention to the way Sirius’ hands were starting to shake than what he was saying.

“You’ve got nice hands, Moony.”

The words were enough to stop Remus for a second, but after seeing the same empty look in Sirius when he glanced up, he continued working with him slowly.

“Nice hair too. You’ve got really great hair.”

“Thanks Pads. You too,” Remus said, standing up slowly.

Thankfully Sirius’ gaze followed Remus, and it didn’t turn angry like Remus was waiting for.

“Member ‘en you cut my hair that un time, Moony,” Sirius slurred.

“I remember,” Remus said, taking Sirius’ hands and tugging him up a little.

Remus held his gaze, and was counting on Sirius holding his back, hoping nothing would set him off. Sirius stood up with Remus, staring at him like he was the only person in the room full of hundreds of students partying.

“That was nice,” Sirius muttered. Remus took a couple steps, walking backward. “Where er we going?”

“I’m going to take you back to the dorms. Is that okay? You’re very drunk,” Remus explained.

Sirius chuckled, a dark humorless laugh that left Remus feeling chilled to the bones. “Sorry, Moons. I know ow much you wan me to stop getting drunk.”

“It’s okay, Pads,” Remus whispered, guiding Sirius around the room, staying near the outside walls. “You’ll regret it in the morning.”

“Always regret it.” Sirius’ grip on Remus’ hands tightened, and he leaned forward. “I think I’m gonna puke,” he said.

Remus pulled out his wand, and caught sight of a plastic cup sitting on the floor. He quickly muttered a spell that made the cup grow large, and he passed the cup to Sirius, guiding him to the ground so he could kneel.

When Sirius was done throwing up, Remus muttered a cleaning spell and lifted Sirius back up again. He got Sirius a bottle of pumpkin juice from a cooler near them and made Sirius drink it to get the bad taste out of his mouth and hopefully sober him up a bit.

They made it all the way to the hallway leading out of the party without anymore incidents. Remus was about to cast lumos so they could see where they were going, but he caught sight of Amanda on their way out, dancing among a big group of people.

He felt bad leaving without telling her, especially because she had thought he was just checking on Sirius quickly. Remus looked back at Sirius. He didn’t look like he was as much at risk of flipping out anymore, and Remus would go fast.

There was a couch sitting by the entrance, so Remus guided Sirius there.

“Sirius, I’ll be right back. Please don’t go anywhere okay? This will only take a second.”

“Okay,” Sirius mumbled.

“Okay, don’t go anywhere,” Remus repeated, turning around.

He went as quickly to Amanda as he could, checking behind him a few times to make sure Sirius was still there. Amanda met him with a bright smile.

“Hi, I just wanted to tell you,” Remus had to shout over the music, “Sirius is really sick, so I’m going to take him back to the dorm!”

“Oh, bummer! I hope he feels better, and at his own party too!” Amanda sympathized.

“I’ll see you around?” Remus said.

“Yeah! Thanks for dancing with me; I had a lot of fun!”

“Me too!” Remus turned back toward the couch and startled at seeing Sirius standing up and marching towards them. “Uh, gotta go. Bye!” Remus said, not waiting for an answer before he was rushing back through the crowd.

He caught Sirius right in the middle of a group of students dancing and had to grab onto his shoulders to stop him. Even then, he had to put most of his weight into holding him back.

“What’s so special about her anyways?” Sirius said, his voice sounding warped, maybe from being drunk, or maybe it was the music. Probably, it was both.

Remus didn’t exactly understand what Sirius was asking, but he saw the look in his eye, and being among so many people was making him nervous. Sirius was stronger than Remus, and he could feel that he was about to push past him angrily.

“Come on, let’s go back to the dorm!” Remus shouted, trying to push Sirius back.

Sirius didn’t budge, and both of his hands were clenched up into fists. He was staring off into the crowd behind Remus, and looked as though he was angry at something past him.

Remus couldn’t think of anything else to do, so he grabbed at the hair on the back of Sirius’ head, tugging his head down so that Sirius was looking at him. He didn’t let go. Remus saw Sirius’ eyes move back to the crowd, so he wrapped his other hand around him, forcing him to meet his eyes.

“Sirius,” he said pleadingly. “Let’s go.”

Sirius stared at Remus for a long time, his eyes softening as he did. He nodded once and then twice, so Remus let go and pulled Sirius away from the crowd.

It wasn’t until they made it outside that Remus remembered he had seen Sirius give the map back to James when the party started, so he peered around the corners of the halls every time they needed to turn.

Things were going smoothly until he heard the sound of footsteps and noticed that two professors were coming right their way. He didn’t know what he would say when they asked why they were out so late, and they would definitely notice that Sirius was drunk out of his mind.

Remus turned around quickly, opening a random door, and shoving Sirius inside.

“Shhh,” Remus whispered, his hand tight around Sirius’ arm.

The room that Remus had chosen to hide in turned out to not be a room at all. It was a closet at best, and left little room to move around in.

Remus suddenly felt awkward pressed so close to Sirius, and he let his hand drop away from his arm. Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on him, and he forced himself not to look up, staying as still as possible.

“You smell good,” Sirius whispered. “Like chocolate.”

Remus could feel Sirius’ breath on his forehead, and it was making it hard for him to stand up straight. He felt like his heart was going to leap out of his chest and hoped that Sirius couldn’t feel it beating against his.

He tried to subtly take a step back, hitting the wall of the closet lightly with his back, but Sirius stepped forward with him. Remus suddenly felt trapped.

“Sirius?” Remus whispered, finally letting himself look up at him.

It was hard to see anything in the dark closet, but the light from the crack in the door was hitting Sirius’ face just right so that Remus could see that he was giving him the most intense stare that Remus had ever received. He watched Sirius trail his eyes in a painstakingly slow manner down his face, landing on his lips. Remus stood frozen in his gaze, feeling his breath grow uneven.

He tried to gain a bit of control over the situation, turning his head slightly towards the door. “It sounds like their gone,” he whispered, his voice hitching when he felt Sirius’ nose brush against his forehead.

Remus felt dizzy with questions about what was happening, and he wondered why he hadn’t pushed Sirius away yet. Sirius was drunk and not thinking straight at all. Remus imagined that since Sirius never ended up doing anything with the girl that he had been dancing with earlier, this was his drunken mind trying to supplement for that.

“We could probably leave—” Remus felt Sirius trail his nose down from where it had been resting on his forehead to his cheek, “—now.”

Sirius pulled away just slightly, his hand brushing back a piece of Remus’ hair that had fallen into his face. When Sirius was done, he let his hand drop down to Remus’ chin and tipped his head back just slightly so that they were nose to nose. Remus felt himself holding his breath right before Sirius leaned in and brushed his lips against Remus’.

Sirius’ lips were soft and tasted like alcohol; a reminder that this was stupid and meant nothing to Sirius. Remus couldn’t help but lean into them, catching himself wondering if he could kiss away the taste of firewhiskey on Sirius’ lips. He shook his head, trying to get his mind in order, but Sirius’ hand on his chin tightened, keeping Remus still.

Then suddenly Sirius was parting Remus’ lips with his own, and his hands were on his hips, pushing him back against the wall, and he was kissing him like someone who was born to kiss. Remus allowed himself only a moment to kiss Sirius back, and it was a moment that he imagined he would never forget for the rest of his life.

He felt Sirius’ hand move from his hip to the back of his head as he angled the kiss better, and Sirius’ tongue licked lightly along his bottom lip.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered into his mouth, pressing himself closer to him so that Sirius’ entire body was lined up with Remus’.

It was near impossible for Remus to pull back, especially with the sound of Sirius longingly whispering his name echoing around in his ears, but the moment that he had allowed himself had passed. He pulled away, already wishing he could relive the short moment.

At first, Sirius didn’t seem to understand what was happening, and he chased after Remus’ mouth. When he fell short, he began kissing down his jaw.

“Sirius stop; you’re drunk,” Remus said shakily, pushing Sirius back a bit.

“But, I—” Sirius started, his hand dropping to Remus’ arm.

“Come on,” Remus whispered, shaking Sirius off.

“Remus, I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me,” Sirius breathed out. 

And there it was. The cold hard proof that this was the one time that Sirius Black was ever going to kiss Remus Lupin. It hurt more now, after he had been kissed by him, than it did before. At least then, Remus had been able to ignore his feelings, shoving them aside so that he didn’t have to deal with them. But now…now Remus knew how _good_ it felt being with Sirius, and he didn’t want to give it up.

“It’s fine. You’re not in your right mind,” Remus mumbled, opening the closet door slowly and glancing around the hallway.

The trip back to the room was silent and quick. Sirius seemed to have sobered up a bit, except that he kept stumbling and running into walls.

When they got back, Sirius fell onto the floor, so Remus grabbed his arm and pulled him up. He tried to ignore the fact that they had been kissing just a little bit ago. He grabbed Sirius a random shirt to sleep in because it seemed that Sirius had lost the ability to walk.

“Put this on,” he mumbled.

One glance at Sirius told Remus that he had probably already forgotten about the kiss. He was watching the rain pour against the dark window absentmindedly.

“Sirius, put this on.”

Remus looked away while Sirius changed and when he was finished, he pulled him onto his bed, turning around quickly so that he didn’t have to look at Sirius any longer. He didn’t want Sirius to see how much he was blushing, or how nervous he seemed. Remus tried to remind himself that in the morning, hopefully Sirius wouldn’t remember any of this.

“Stay with me,” Sirius said from where he was laying.

“I’m not going to bed yet,” Remus responded.

“Then read in my bed.”

Remus sighed, hating that Sirius knew him so well. He hesitated for a long time.

“Moony?” Sirius sounded so nervous about Remus’ answer that he couldn’t himself.

Remus grabbed a book off his shelf, hopped up onto the bed, and rested against the headboard. He told himself that he would leave once Sirius fell asleep, but when he did, Sirius looked so peaceful. Remus was feeling so many crazy emotions that he knew he would never be able to sleep if he wasn’t with him. With Sirius, who was so familiar and warm.

Remus let himself comb his fingers through Sirius’ hair for a second. “What am I going to do about you?” he whispered to himself.

Remus got off the bed as quietly as he could and changed into his pajamas, which like usual, were just his boxers and an oversized t-shirt. He climbed back into bed and flicked the lamp off.

Remus tried laying on his back, his eyes staring up into the dark, but his feet were cold, and he couldn’t keep his eyes closed. He finally slid over a bit, tucking himself against Sirius’ chest like he had so many times as a kid.

He felt Sirius turn into him to accommodate the new weight in his sleep, and there was somewhere deep in Remus’ head that told him it wasn’t fair to Sirius to keep laying with him like this when he knew now how deep his own feelings ran for him. Remus tried to ignore it.

With the quiet thought that in the morning Sirius wouldn’t remember anything, and everything would go back to normal, Remus closed his eyes. Only a second passed before sleep came crashing down on him, and he slipped away to whatever place that Sirius was.


	8. Chapter 8

Sirius woke up to Remus trying to roll out from under his arm, which was wrapped around his waist. Sirius jokingly tightened his grip around him, pulling Remus in close against his chest.

“Trapped ya,” he muttered groggily, suddenly feeling a horrible headache coming on.

Remus squirmed against him, his cold feet hitting Sirius in the leg.

“Sirius,” he complained, sounding exasperated.

The sound of his name so loud and so close to his ear reverberated through his head, causing a feeling like there was something thumping the inside of his skull. Sirius groaned and loosened his grip a little on Remus.

“My head feels like it’s going to explode.”

Remus took his chance while Sirius was distracted, slipping out of his arms and into a sitting position on the other side of the small bed. It was then that Sirius noticed they were in his bed. That was odd; Sirius always went to Remus’ bed at night.

He watched Remus get out of bed clumsily and tried to push down a smile when he saw his typical pajamas and the way his hair was falling messily into his face. Remus stood still for a second like he always did when he got out of bed. Sirius knew from the face that he was making, that he was standing still while the spots in his vision cleared from the head rush that Remus got everytime he stood up too fast.

Remus walked across the room to his desk. Sirius watched him as he moved, admiring the set of his shoulders and back. He came back to the bed, passing Sirius a headache potion, and some juice to help with the disgusting taste. Sirius took it without asking what it was.

“Where are James and Peter?” Sirius asked.

“At breakfast already. It’s pretty late.” Remus explained.

Sirius was surprised by that. Usually, Peter and Remus went to breakfast first, being the early risers, and James and Sirius joined them later. “I’m surprised you’re just now getting up.”

The movement of Remus running his hand through his hair drew Sirius’ attention, and he watched his slender fingers move through his loose curls. “I didn’t want to wake you up. You needed the sleep,” Remus answered.

Sirius nodded, and tried to think of why Remus thought he had needed the sleep. It was hard to recall the night before, especially with such a strong headache taking most of his focus away.

“What is it?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked up from where he was staring at one spot on his bed. “Hmm?”

“You’re making your I’m-Thinking-Way-Too-Hard-Face.”

Sirius laughed, despite the fact that it sent another wave of pain through him. He fixed his eyes on Remus. Remus who had been in _his_ bed. Sirius wondered if it would smell like him now; like chocolate and the shampoo he put in his hair. He hoped it would. How had he ended up in his bed, though? Why did this feel so much worse than his normal hangover?

“I’m trying to remember last night,” Sirius admitted.

He closed his eyes, and the day came rushing back to him. Getting changed for the game, cheering in the common room, sitting with Remus before he had to leave. He saw James catching the snitch, and heard the crowd going crazy in the back of his head. Then he remembered that there was the party after the game. The party that James and him had spent so long planning.

Sirius opened his eyes, rubbing his temples for a moment. When he looked up, he noticed that Remus was staring at him, looking almost nervous.

“I’m fine, Moons,” Sirius laughed. “No need to look so worried.”

Remus looked confused, and then laughed awkwardly. “Right, sorry.”

“The party was last night,” Sirius commented.

Remus eyed Sirius for a second before responding hesitantly, “Yeah.”

Sirius closed his eyes again, trying to visualize images like he had before. He saw himself walking down the hallways with the Marauder’s Map in hand and his friends at his sides. He saw the party room vividly, the bright lights filling his vision as if he was really there again.

The last thing he remembered fully was a conversation with Lily, Peter, and Remus. The memory hit him like a punch to the stomach.

“Rems, do you have a girlfriend?”

“No,” Remus responded immediately.

“No?”

“No.”

“I remember Peter and Lily saying you did. Angela or something.” Sirius said, recalling the short dark haired girl who had come to greet Remus during the conversation.

“It’s Amanda, and I don’t know what they were going on about; we’re just friends,” Remus said, busying himself with straightening out some of his school papers.

Sirius nodded, a feeling of relief flooding through his veins.

After the conversation, things started to get splotchy. Images filled his brain, and he was overcome with quick snippets of hundreds of memories. It was strange how the images were coming in. He could see himself in them, like he was watching in third-person point of view. He wondered how reliable the memories were.

He saw a girl wearing too much makeup with her arms around his neck. He saw dancing. There were so many lights and too many people. Remus’ face appeared in the memories more often than anything else. Remus looked good in them under the dark lights with the flashing ones illuminating all of his best features. Sirius had a bottle in his hand. He felt his discomfort all over again as he visualized the girl he was dancing with pulling him closer. He was looking at Remus dancing with the girl that he swore wasn’t his girlfriend.

Remus laughed at a joke that she made.

Sirius drank.

The flashing of lights filled Sirius’ head more and more as the night’s memories got deeper, and soon things were flying past his head in a dizzying mirage of images, too fast to pick apart. He felt jealousy, anger, and yearning but he couldn’t place the feelings with certain moments. 

An image of the girl with all the makeup filled his head again, and he felt gross. He saw Remus. He saw himself in a hallway. He saw himself somewhere dark. He was with someone. Were they kissing? Sirius couldn’t remember if it was a dream or not. He probably had taken the makeup girl with him somewhere to try and forget the image of Remus dancing with Angela.

“So, do you remember anything?” Remus asked.

“I remember dancing. I can see the lights really clearly.” Sirius didn’t tell Remus that he remembered wanting to pull him aside in some dark corner of the room to snog him senseless. The memory made Sirius’ cheeks burn. 

“Anything else?” Remus asked, switching from sorting his papers to throwing all the dirty clothes on the floor into the hamper. None of the clothes were Remus’ mess.

“I think I might have snogged a girl in a closet or something, but it could have been a dream.”

“Probably a dream,” Remus said. “I found you drunk out of your mind at the bar.

Sirius nodded. “What happened after that?”

“Well, you looked worse than usual. Kind of like you did… that one night.” Sirius knew exactly which night Remus was talking about. “So, I got you up and tried to get you back to the room. When we got back, you climbed into bed, but you wanted me to read there instead of in my bed. I fell asleep reading, and here we are.”

“Did I do anything stupid?”

“Going back, or at the party?”

“Both.”

Remus thought about the question for a second, which worried Sirius. “Not really. You seemed really out of it the whole time.”

There was a long pause in which Remus was done talking, and Sirius wasn’t done thinking.

The potion that Sirius took from Remus was starting to work, whatever it was, and he could feel a cold relief flooding through the back of his head.

“Are you sure I didn’t do anything?” he finally asked.

“Well, I mean you did snog Peter in front of everybody, if that’s the sort of thing you’re talking about.” Sirius made a horrified face. “I’m joking! Calm down, Sirius. You didn’t do anything.” Remus reassured.

“Bloody rude is what you are,” Sirius muttered, throwing a pillow at Remus.

Remus laughed, and came closer so he could hit Sirius back with the pillow. “Did you really believe me?” Remus laughed again, holding the pillow up over his head.

“Well, you sounded so serious!”

Remus narrowed his eyes at Sirius, and Sirius knew what joke was coming and rolled his eyes from the overuse of it.

“I’m not Sirius. You are,” Remus laughed, dodging Sirius’ second pillow.

Sirius loved Remus’ laugh. It was one of his favorite things about him. When they first met, Remus never laughed. It drove Sirius mad. He could still remember being a first year, trying so hard to get the mysterious boy to laugh at his jokes. The most he had ever gotten out of him was a side glance, and sometimes a small smirk.

He recalled the first time that he had heard Remus laugh a real true laugh, back in their second year. Sirius had been trying to get Remus’ attention, but the small boy was wrapped up in a blanket, his nose stuck in a book, and Sirius was starting to lose hope.

He danced around Remus, trying to grab his book out of his hand, but his foot caught the chair leg, and he went crashing down to the floor. The thing was that Sirius had a color bomb in his pocket that he was going to plant in front the the Slytherin dungeons, but the bomb exploded in Sirius’ pocket, covering him from head to toe in a bright pink color that didn’t wash out for weeks.

Sirius didn’t care one little bit, though, because Remus burst out in a fit of giggles that quickly turned into full on laughter. After that, every time that Sirius saw his pink skin in a mirror or his reflection in the windows, he could remember the sound of Remus’ laughter so vividly in his ears.

Now, he felt deprived of it, despite the fact that he could get Remus to laugh regularly. He almost felt cheated, like he had spent so long trying to get to this point that he had lost out on hearing it so many times.

Remus was still standing over Sirius, pillow in hand, but when he went to hit Sirius with it, Sirius caught the pillow in his hand, pulling it away from Remus’ grip. Remus went to run back, but Sirius grabbed around his waist, pulling him onto the bed, so that his back was against Sirius’ chest.

“Oh no you don’t,” Sirius teased, shoving the pillow in Remus’ face.

Remus wiggled in Sirius’ arms, laughing that wonderful soft laugh. Sirius dropped the pillow in front of Remus, who quickly snatched it up, angling his arm back so that he could try and hit Sirius with it, but he barely grazed him. Sirius started tickling Remus in the stomach, right where he knew Remus was the most ticklish.

Remus dropped the pillow, erupting in another fit of laughter. “Sirius!” he exclaimed. “Stop, I surrender! I surrender!”

“What was that?” Sirius asked, tickling him more.

“I’ll stop hitting you with pillows! You win!” Remus had a hard time getting each word out from how much he was trying to evade Sirius.

Sirius let go of him, and Remus jumped up and away from him quickly, taking the pillow with him. Sirius hated losing the feeling of Remus against his body. He hated not feeling his soft hair tickling his nose, and not feeling his body rise and fall with each breath. He hated not being with Remus.

Remus, who he had been so in love with since as long as he could remember really. He may not have known it back in first and second year, but he had loved him back then too.

He loved how good Remus was. How he always knew what to say to Sirius when things were bad. How Sirius had rarely seen him angry. How despite everything that had happened to Remus, he still smiled that gorgeous smile, and laughed that musical laugh, and made Sirius _feel_ things when he thought that he was done feeling entirely.

On nights when he felt completely empty, numb beyond compare, like there was no purpose left anymore, Remus would be there, and suddenly Sirius felt love, and he felt want, and he felt _need_. An unbearable need that was never going to end because Sirius could never _have_.

How could he? How could he let himself have something that was too good for this world when Sirius was the complete opposite? When all Sirius did was hurt people, and get angry, and get drunk, and hurt some more. How could he darken Remus with someone who carried around so much weight that sometimes it felt unbearable?

He couldn’t. It would be his most selfish act, and he already had enough of those.

Less importantly, but still a problem, how could he let Remus become part of his family? His disgusting horrible family. If they ever knew Sirius was dating a boy, they would want him dead. Now, add on top of that that Remus’ mother was a muggle _and_ that he was a werewolf. Sirius shook his head just thinking about the disaster that could come out of that. Remus deserved a family that would love and care for him like Sirius did.

Besides, all of this thought was useless because Remus didn’t love Sirius back the way that he wanted him to. He loved Sirius; he knew that from the nights that Remus had lost sleep staying up with him, and the days that Remus spent worrying about him when Sirius was a little off, but it wasn’t the same.

It wasn’t the desperate ache to touch, and hold, and kiss, and love, that Sirius had. The ache that was so hard to ignore that Sirius tried to move on by falling into the arms of random girls who always seemed to leave him feeling worse.

It wasn’t like he did anything with them other than snogging. He just didn’t decline all the rumors that the girls he was with spread about the things that he did with them. He might as well let everyone think he was like that. It was better than them knowing that he was helplessly in love with one of his best friends.

Helplessly in love with the boy who was standing in front of him, with a pillow in hand and a teasing grin on his face, his wavy bangs spilling over his forehead, and a shirt that was way too big for him falling to the right a bit to expose one of his collarbones.

Remus’ smirk fell from his face as he turned towards the door, where James and Peter were entering boisterously. Like usual, Sirius watched Remus throughout their interaction.

“How was breakfast?” Remus asked.

“Good, we brought you some food,” Peter responded, pulling out a napkin with Remus’ favorite type of bagel.

Remus’ eyes lit up. “Thanks, Pete.”

He watched Remus sit down cross legged at the end of Sirius’ bed.

“Nothing for me?” Sirius joked.

“Nope, you don’t deserve breakfast,” James said, a fake pout on his face.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, refusing to ask James why he was upset like he knew James wanted him to. He saw Remus give Sirius an annoyed look over the bagel that he was halfway done with, and Sirius returned it with a smirk.

“Don’t you want to know why?” James finally asked when it was apparent that Sirius wasn’t going to say anything.

“Sure,” Sirius answered.

“Because last night at the party, you ditched me to go sulk in the corner, and then you had the audacity to be all moody when I talked to you, and not even tell me who—” James stopped mid-sentence. “And then I had to hear, from Amanda of all people, that Remus took you back to the dorm because you were sick, when I knew that you were drunk out of your mind!” James ranted.

“Tell you who what?” Sirius answered, ignoring everything else that James had said.

“What?”

“You said I wouldn’t tell you who, but you didn’t finish.”

“Oh, just you know. That thing we talked about,” James said sheepishly.

“James, I blacked out last night. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You know what?” James said, stepping closer to the three of them. (Peter had joined Remus on Sirius’ bed, breaking off a bit of Remus’ bagel for himself.) “I don’t even care if they know because you ditched me at _our_ party.”

Suddenly Sirius was nervous about what James and him might have talked about that he was about to reveal.

“Wait, James,” Sirius cautioned.

“Nope. Too late,” James said holding up his hand, the mischievous face that he got when he was about to reveal something crazy plastered on his face. “I found out that Sirius…is love in with someone.”

Sirius tried very hard to keep his face entirely neutral. Carefully, he peaked at Remus and Peter out of the corner of his eye. Sirius could feel his heart beating in his chest. Peter looked shocked and Remus looked confused, and then almost hurt. Sirius hated seeing that face on him.

It only took Sirius a moment to compose himself, and then he scoffed and said, “To think I was actually nervous about what you were going to say.”

“What, so you don’t care if they know?” James said.

“No, because it’s not true.”

“Yes it is. I saw you. You were staring off into the crowd sulking, and I said that I knew you were in love, and you said you thought abut telling me for a really long time, but then you wouldn’t tell me who it was! The only thing I know is that it’s some girl who was dancing in our line of sight.”

“James, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but the only person I’m in love with is Moony.”

Peter burst out laughing, and Remus’ face turned bright red.

Even James cracked a smirk as he burst, “No! You told me.”

Sirius shook his head, an easy smile on his face. “I assure you, the day that Sirius Black falls in love is the day that this world has turned upside down.”

“No, no, no!” James said, sounding like a little kid. “First, Remus won’t admit that Amanda is his girlfriend, and now you won’t admit what you said last night. Everyone’s going off and falling in love without telling me about it,” James complained dramatically.

“I’m not,” Peter said.

“Thank you Pete. See, he gets it.”

“James, Amanda isn’t my girlfriend,” Remus said, his facial expression looking slightly annoyed.

“No! Not you right now, Remus. Sirius is too much to handle anyways.” James declared, flopping onto his bed, his face buried in the blankets. Peter snorted.

Remus looked at Sirius like they were sharing exasperation over James, and Sirius returned it with a smile, glad to see that Remus looked like he didn’t believe James’ words anymore.

Sirius sighed in relief quietly to himself, wondering what on earth Remus would do if he found out that Sirius was, in fact, in love. Even more, he wondered what Remus would do if he found out that Sirius was in love with _him_.

“I’m going to go see if any of the house elves can sneak me another bagel,” Remus said, pulling on a sweater and his robes quickly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something Moony?” Peter said, giggling his head off.

Remus looked down, spotting that he was still in his blue boxers. “Right,” he mumbled, pulling on some pants, and leaving the room.

“Wait up!” Sirius said, hopping out of bed, excited about the prospect of causing some trouble in the kitchens.

Peter followed Sirius, and as they were leaving, they heard a thump as James fell off of his bed.

“Hey! Just because I’m upset with all of you doesn’t mean I don’t want to cause mayhem with you!” James called after them.

“Why are you upset with me?” Peter called back.

“Not you Wormtail!”

Sirius and Remus laughed, hurrying down the halls with Peter so they could lose James.

“Rude!” James shouted.

And the four Marauders hurried down to the kitchens, ready for a new day of whatever mischief would follow them.


	9. Chapter 9

The beginning of the year went by extraordinarily fast (like every year), and Christmas was approaching in just a couple weeks. James and Peter were bustling around the room excitedly, practically speaking over each other as they told of the exciting breaks they were going to have.

Peter was going to Ireland with his family and was mostly excited because he was going to see some professional Quidditch games. James was going to stay in a wizard resort as a celebration for his father getting a promotion at work.

Remus was having a hard time listening to the boys rambling because somewhere deep in his skin he could _feel_ the moon tugging at him, a reminder of the full moon that was to come that night. It felt like Remus and the moon were two magnets being held close to each other, never touching, but always connected by some unseen force.

His skin itched, and he had a queasy feeling in his stomach from not eating all day. He tried to get his mind off of it, but nothing that he thought about could keep him from eventually returning to the numerous memories he had of his skin painfully changing into the monster that he was.

He felt worse than he had in a really long time, and he tried to swallow his feelings, drowning in his thoughts and the pain that was consuming his mind. He felt like a dam about to burst, and so he tried to glue the dam back together, sitting still, and forcing his head to stop thinking.

Remus held his breath, feeling like if he let himself even breathe, something would come spilling out. His heart was pounding hard against his chest, and he felt dizzy from the panic attack that he was trying to contain.

Sirius was laying on his stomach, his legs kicked in the air next to Remus on his bed. He had been awfully quiet during James and Peter’s conversation, and Remus wished they would stop talking. While Peter and James were going on vacation, Sirius would have to return home, and things were worse than usual with his parents at the moment.

Sirius was playing some muggle card game by himself that Remus thought he had seen his mom playing once. His hair had grown out since the day his parents had cut it and was curling softly around his ears. Remus watched his hands picking up and flipping cards instead of thinking about how he could smell every single scent in the room thanks to the wolf. It was a good distraction; watching Sirius.

As if Sirius could sense Remus watching him, he turned his head around, looking at where Remus was leaning against the headboard. Sirius didn’t say anything; he just stared at Remus like he always did, so Remus stayed back, waiting for him to say something.

Sirius sat up, ruining his game, and flipped around so that he was leaning against the headboard also. Remus could feel Sirius’ shoulder pressed against his, and wondered if Sirius would be able to feel how tense he was, just from the set of his shoulders.

“How are you feeling?” Sirius asked quietly.

Remus couldn’t tell if he was being quiet so that James and Peter wouldn’t hear, or because he was trying not to interrupt the conversation that they were still having about their trips.

He shrugged, his shoulder pressing even closer against Sirius. “M’fine.”

Remus already felt like he was going to cry, and Sirius had barely said anything to him.

“Fine?” Sirius said, his gray eyes boring into Remus’ side.

“Yeah, fine,” Remus repeated, clenching his teeth against a particularity painful tug at his stomach, like the moon was already trying to claim him. He tried to avoid Sirius’ gaze, keeping his eyes trained on his lap.

“Bullshit,” Sirius scoffed. “I can see the way you’re sitting. It’s worse than usual isn’t it?”

Remus let out a sigh. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“I know you can handle it, Moony. I just don’t appreciate you lying and saying that you’re fine when you obviously aren’t.”

“If you already knew the answer, then why did you even ask?” Remus asked, feeling irritated.

He wasn’t actually mad, it was just easier to argue with Sirius than think about what was going to happen that night. Sirius gave Remus a cold stare, his shoulders tensing against Remus just as much as Remus’ were. He looked like he was going to say something, but he was stopped by James.

“You two coming? We’re going to the Great Hall.” Peter and James were by the door, looking at Sirius and Remus.

“Yeah, coming,” Remus said weakly.

“Give us a few minutes. We’ll meet you guys there in a bit,” Sirius said, laying his hand on Remus’ arm to keep him from getting up.

Remus narrowed his eyes at Sirius, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Sounds good, see ya there,” James said, giving them a little salute before leaving the room, Peter in tow.

Once they were completely gone, Sirius’ face grew much warmer than it had been a second ago, and he looked at Remus sincerely.

“Talk to me,” he said, almost pleadingly.

Remus let out a shaky breath, finally giving in, and leaned down so that he could rest his head on Sirius’ shoulder. Almost immediately, Sirius brought his hand up, combing through Remus’ hair gently with his fingers. It was something that he had started doing recently whenever they were near each other, and Remus couldn’t complain.

“I’m just so tired,” Remus finally said.

“Do you want to take a nap? I can bring you up some food for when you wake up,” Sirius offered, his fingers grazing behind Remus’ ear.

“No, not like that. I’m _tired.”_

Sirius’ fingers faltered, but after a moment, he continued, brushing a piece of hair back that had fallen in Remus’ face. It reminded him so much of that night more than a month ago that Sirius had pushed him against the wall and kissed him. It almost hurt to think about just as much as the pain Remus was feeling at the moment.

“I’m tired of all of it,” Remus continued. “I’m tired of feeling like this every month. I’m tired of the fear. I feel like this werewolf thing isn’t just once every month because I’m constantly thinking about it, constantly dreaming of it, and constantly worrying about when it will come again. It haunts me in the mornings, at school, at night, when I’m with friends. It’s all the time.

“And then there’s the fact that ever since I started getting older, I’ve been able to smell things and hear things that I didn’t used to be able to, which sounds cool in theory, but it’s so overwhelming, Sirius. I can’t think or concentrate anymore. Sometimes I find myself scrambling to remember what a professor said because I was focused on the sounds outside the door or sick from the scent of the girls perfume who sits next to me.”

“Who’s perfume?” Sirius asked.

“The perfume doesn’t matter,” Remus muttered. “What matters is that I’m tired of feeling like a nuisance all the time. I’m so thankful for you all. You becoming animagus for me was the greatest thing that anyone has ever done, but lately I feel like it’s just a fun night for James and Peter, and I know that you all care, and I know that I’m just being a big baby about it, but it’s not fun for me, and I hate that you even do this for me. I’m not scared for just the transformation. I keep having these dreams where I wake up and you’re all,” Remus choked on his words, tears escaping his eyes, “you’re all dead, and it’s my fault.”

Remus didn’t realize that he was shaking until he was finished talking. Sometime while he was speaking, he had turned against Sirius so that Sirius was hugging him, Remus’ face buried in Sirius’ neck. Sirius was brushing his back gently with his fingertips, and Remus could feel his tears soaking into Sirius’ dark shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed.

Remus could feel Sirius move his fingers back to his hair, tightening there in a way that should have been painful but was more grounding.

“Don’t apologize for letting yourself feel,” Sirius said. Remus had heard many different types of pain in Sirius’ voice before, but this one was new.

Remus wrapped his arms tighter around Sirius, feeling himself sob against him. “I’m tired of being like this.”

“Like what?” Sirius whispered.

“Like a monster.” Remus responded, his lips brushing against Sirius’ neck from how he was burrowed against him.

“You are _not_ a monster, Remus,” Sirius responded, that pain that Remus heard earlier back in his voice.

Sirius pulled away from Remus, keeping one of his hands tucked around his back, his thumb brushing against his hip. He brought his other hand to Remus’ chin, tipping his head up so that Remus would meet his eyes.

“You’re not,” he said, brushing tears away from Remus’ eyes with his thumb.

“Why not? All the textbooks say I am,” Remus muttered, his voice breaking with the pain that he had been trying to hold in for so long. “All the students would say I am, and their parents, and the Ministry.”

“Because _I_ know you.” Sirius said, searching Remus’ eyes. “You’re favorite season is fall because you love carving pumpkins and drinking spiced teas. You sleep curled up against anything warm because you’re always so damn cold. You wish on every single shooting star that you see, no matter what. You wear sweaters every day because they’re warm, and you like being able to pull your hands into the sleeves. If anyone compliments you, you’re entire face turns red. You smile every time you hear someone laugh, even if it’s someone you don’t know.”

Sirius tipped Remus’ head back so that he was looking at him because Remus had ducked it again, unable to look Sirius in the eye. Sirius searched Remus’ eyes, his thumb absently tracing up Remus’ jaw, and Remus held his breath.

“I know you,” Sirius whispered. “And you’re everything that’s good in this world.”

Remus didn’t know when their faces had gotten so close together, but he could feel Sirius’ breath against his face, and could count each of Sirius’ dark eyelashes. Sirius’ hand trembled for a second on Remus’ chin, and Remus leaned in just slightly.

That was all that it took for Sirius to lean forward, closing the gap between them.

He kissed Remus softly, sucking away a teardrop that had fallen onto Remus’ lips. He brought both of his hands up to cup Remus’ face, his fingers burying themselves in his hair.

Remus sat frozen, unable to move. Here was Sirius in front of him, kissing away his tears, his hands holding him up so gently, and Remus didn’t want to care about the consequences for a second. He wanted to feel how he felt the night of the party. For once, he didn’t want to feel tired, and he didn’t have the energy to hold back anymore.

He returned the kiss, leaning closer against Sirius, and tucking his hands against Sirius’ chest. The moment that Remus returned the kiss, Sirius breathed out a sigh into Remus’ mouth, his hand grabbing onto Remus’ hip, pulling him closer against his chest.

Remus felt dizzy with emotions. With each kiss, he felt a little less broken, and for once he wasn’t thinking about the moon that was tugging just under his skin, or the night that was ahead of him, or the pain in his stomach. He lost himself in their kiss, letting Sirius tip him down so that his back was against the mattress with Sirius laying propped up on his elbows above him.

Sirius broke away to kiss down Remus’ neck, and Remus tipped his head back, his breath catching in his throat as Sirius stopped to suck at the skin over his pulse. Remus buried one of his hands in Sirius’ hair, his other hand trailing up Sirius’ back. He felt Sirius groan against his neck, and he pulled away, so he could return back to Remus’ mouth, kissing him with a newfound intensity.

Sirius swallowed Remus’ soft gasp, biting gently at his lip. His hand moved to Remus’ stomach, his fingers grazing the hem of Remus’ shirt. Remus flinched away from Sirius’ fingers, burying himself against the mattress, and his hand tightened on Sirius’ shoulder.

“I’ve seen your scars, Remus,” Sirius whispered above him, his fingers still playing with the hem of his shirt.

Remus nodded, letting out a shaky breath, and pulled Sirius back to his mouth. Sirius obliged, slowly slipping his hand under Remus’ shirt. His palm was like a hot weight against Remus’ skin, tracing up over the scars that Remus had been so careful to hide.

It was dizzying, the way that Sirius could touch him and make him feel like everything was on fire. Or maybe it was just him that was on fire, burning under Sirius’ mouth. If this was what it felt like to be set aflame, Remus would light the match himself.

Remus arched against Sirius, feeling as though he couldn’t get close enough. The movement made Sirius moan against his lips, which sent a shiver down Remus’ spine, and Sirius’ hand tightened in his hair. Sirius pressed closer to Remus, letting some of his weight fall against his side, one leg tucked between Remus’ knees, so that Sirius could continue running his hand along the planes of Remus’ chest.

Remus had never felt anything like these kisses before. He had never felt the heat that was pooling deep in his stomach, or the desperate feeling that was radiating off of every touch of Sirius’ lips against his, and every slide of Sirius’ hand against his skin.

There was a moment when all Remus could hear was the beautiful sound of their breaths intertwining. Remus was falling so far down that there was no way back up again. He felt himself wrapping a leg around Sirius, wanting to keep him there against him for as long as possible. Sirius made a sound in the back of his throat, and his breathing picked up, hot and heavy against Remus’ mouth. He reached down and dragged his hand up Remus’ thigh, pulling away and burying his face against Remus’ neck.

“Remus, I—” he started, his voice low and filled with wanting.

Sirius didn’t get to finish his sentence because somewhere deep in the back of Remus’ brain, his ear picked up on a loud noise outside the hallway, and Remus shoved Sirius off him, pulling his shirt down over his stomach. Sirius looked dazed and confused as Remus scrambled into a sitting position, looking towards the door.

Just then, James and Peter entered the room laughing.

“You two just missed my best prank of the year!” James exclaimed, not yet looking at Remus and Sirius. “We had to come back early because of it.”

Remus could feel Sirius looking at him out of the corner of his vision, but he kept his eyes carefully on James. James jumped onto Remus’ bed, right between him and Sirius, and Remus was thankful for the separation.

“So there I was, minding my own business,” James started.

Remus never actually heard what the prank was because although he nodded along, trying to keep his face looking neutral, his mind was racing with thoughts of what had just happened. He could still feel Sirius’ touch lingering on his skin, and could see Sirius continuously trying to get Remus’ attention as James talked, but Remus avoided his gaze.

When James was done with his story, Remus got up, and quickly left the room, muttering something about finding some food, even though the last thing he wanted to do was eat. He waited around the corner, knowing that Sirius would follow him, and he watched Sirius race out of the room, heading down the stairs quickly, unknowing that Remus was behind him.

Once a few minutes had passed, Remus decided the coast was clear, and rushed down the stairs, leaving the common room, and making his way down the halls. He hadn’t known where he was headed until suddenly his feet had carried him to the library.

He must have known internally that this was where he needed to be because a wave of calm washed through him. The weight that had been clouding his head ever since James and Peter had interrupted him and Sirius suddenly cleared, and Remus felt like he could finally breathe.

There was an isle of books that had a table hidden slightly in an alcove that Remus always went to when he needed to hide, and he found his feet carrying himself there on their own. He walked down the narrow space between the two shelves, trailing his fingers over dusty book bindings.

When he got to the end where the alcove was, he noticed a pair of feet kicked up on the only chair that was visible. He peaked around the corner and wasn’t expecting Amanda to glance up from the book she was reading. For some reason, Remus was happy to see a friend right now. He thought it might be a good distraction.

“Remus!” Amanda said brightly, taking her feet down from the chair so he could sit.

“Hey, you stole my alcove,” Remus joked, sitting down across from her.

“ _You’re_ alcove,” she said, feigning shocked annoyance. “I’ll have you know I’ve been coming here since third year.”

“Ha, I’ve been coming since first year,” Remus countered.

Amanda sighed, a smile tugging at her lips. “Okay, you win.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt you. I can find somewhere else,” Remus offered, hoping beyond hope that she would let him stay or else Remus would have to think about things that he wasn’t ready to think about yet.

“No! Stay,” Amanda beamed. “I was just doing fun reading, so you’re not interrupting anything.”

Remus and Amanda talked for a while. It was good to talk to somebody who wasn’t a Marauder. He loved them to death, but he forgot how nice it was to pretend like he didn’t have any problems. He could just talk about dumb things like visiting Diagon Alley, or how the Charms professor had his mustache accidentally burned off by a student.

As they talked, Remus’ ears slowly cleared of sound. Less students were ambling down isles and dropping books. There wasn’t anymore librarians talking in hushed tones to confused first years who still hadn’t learned where anything was. Remus could feel that it was getting later, and dread started to settle in. He was just thinking about what excuse he could give Amanda for why he needed to leave when a loud sound cut through the the stillness of the library.

“Remus!” James’ voice rang over the bookshelves.

Remus snapped his head up, almost jumping at the sound of his name so loud.

“You in here?”

There was a loud ruckus and Remus could hear a librarian scolding him.

“You better go see what James wants,” Amanda said, trying to stifle her laughter.

Remus agreed, scooting his chair back, and getting ready to find James, but then his ears picked up on a whispered conversation that James was having.

“Guess he’s not here,” James whispered.

“You didn’t even give him time to come,” Remus picked out Peter’s voice saying.

“Here, if he’s in here, I know where he is,” Sirius mumbled to the point where even with his werewolf hearing, Remus almost couldn’t tell what he had said.

Remus jumped to his feet, wondering if he could make it to the main part of the library before they got back where he was. For some reason, he didn’t want them to see that he was with Amanda. Especially not Sirius.

He was too late, though, because as he was saying his goodbyes quickly to Amanda, he turned around to see James, Peter and Sirius. James looked like he usually did. Excited to have found Remus, his eyes shining with mischief, and his hair sticking up in every direction. Peter looked bored, his eyes wandering lazily over the book titles. Remus’ eyes landed discreetly on Sirius. He was standing in a way that Remus had never in his entire life seen him stand.

Uncomfortably.

He had his hands folded in front of him, messing with his fingers. His knee was bent, and his shoulders were slightly tucked inwards. There was a black piece of hair falling in his face. Sirius looked up, meeting his gaze, and Remus quickly turned, looking at James.

“Did you really have to shout my name?” Remus asked.

“Nope,” James responded. Remus saw the moment James’ eye caught on Amanda who was sitting behind them. His eyes lit up and he leaned around Remus. “Hi Amanda!” he said excitedly.

“Shhh,” Peter hushed, glancing over his shoulder. Remus assumed he didn’t want another scolding from the librarian.

“Hi, James,” Amanda returned, offering a little wave.

“I hate to take Moony here away from you, but we have Marauders business to attend to,” James explained.

Amanda shrugged. “It’s fine, as long as you return him in one piece,” she joked.

“Ha… ha ha.” James said awkwardly. Remus saw Sirius’ shoulders visibly tense at her choice of wording. “No promises.”

And then James was tugging Remus away, waiting until they were out of earshot to turn on Remus. “I was going to be mad at you because we’re cutting it a bit close, and you really went AWOL on us, but I forgive you now. I too have a lady who I cannot stop thinking about, and I understand your need to hang out with Amanda, even if it is on a night like this.”

Remus could almost feel the negative energy radiating off of Sirius. “James, we were just talking.”

“Oh, okay. You were just _talking_.”

“No we weren’t _talking._ We were talking. She’s just my friend, so can you please let it be?”

“What were you talking about?” Sirius muttered, his voice cold. He lifted his eyes to look at Remus, and they were the dark gray color that set Remus on edge.

Remus knew what Sirius was referring to, and he was shocked he would even think Remus would tell Amanda about it. He wouldn’t even tell Lily about it if he had the chance.

“Just stupid stuff,” Remus responded.

“We don’t have time for this,” Peter reminded them.

It was good too because by the time they all made it outside, squashed under James’ invisibility cloak, the sky was already getting dark.

Remus felt his legs getting weaker as they headed towards the shrieking shack. This was the most surreal moment of the full moon. When he had to force himself to just keep walking, force himself closer to where he would change and become the wolf. He didn’t know how he even got there sometimes. He just kept putting one shaky leg in front of the other, trying not to think about it. Eventually, they would make it there, standing at the base of the Whomping Willow.

Once they got far enough away from the castle, the boys tugged off the cloak, and the still night air blasted Remus in the face. Peter transformed into Wormtail, and as they were standing there, a sharp pain shot through Remus’ arm. He forced himself not to cry out, knowing there would be plenty of that to come, and he let himself look up at the moon.

He rarely looked at it, but for some reason he had an urge that he couldn’t help. For something so bright, the moon sure had a dark sense of humor. It’s light cast down on them, and Remus pretended that he could feel the light of the moon soaking into his skin. Maybe he _could_ feel it because another sharp pain shot through his arm.

With a sense of urgency in his voice, he looked up at Sirius and James. “It’s starting.”

The boys helped him down to the shack, and it wasn’t long before the light of the moon was mixing with the sound of Remus’ cries, and then the sound of a wolf howling a painful song deep into the once still night.

Remus didn’t remember anything the next morning.


	10. Chapter 10

Madame Pomfrey was coddling Remus again, and he wasn’t having it.

“It’s fine,” Remus hissed, pulling his stinging arm away from her.

“Oh, stop,” she insisted, brushing his hand back. “No. Stop, moving.”

“It’s fine, Poppy. No.” Remus batted her away again, tucking his arm against his chest.

“Just… let me, it’ll be quick. Remus.”

Madame Pomfrey and Remus argued like a mother and son. After so many days and nights spent in the hospital wing, Remus had grown much more comfortable with her, and she had grown to treat him differently than she treated the usual student that came in. He didn’t know when he had started calling her Poppy, but it had been quite funny seeing Dumbledore’s face when he accidentally let it slip in front of him.

Poppy got a hold of Remus’ arm, pouring on some sort of liquid salve before he could pull away. It stung terribly for a few seconds, feeling like his skin was bubbling up.

“Ah!” Remus cried out, pulling back immediately, trying to retain the curses that came to the tip of his mouth. “Fuuuudge. Seriously? I said it was fine.”

Remus jumped off the bed that he had been sitting upright in and paced back and forth with his arm in his hand.

“Remus, sit down,” Poppy said, watching Remus like she always did when she thought he was being overly dramatic.

She gave Remus a look that said she knew more than Remus did, raising one of her eyebrows at him, and crossing her arms tightly. After a few moments the simmering feeling on his skin vanished, leaving a soft tickling feeling in its wake.

Remus looked down at where the large gash that he had gotten from a scratch that the Marauders hadn’t been able to stop during the transformation had been. What was left was a small, almost unnoticeable, line that stretched up from his wrist to his elbow. He looked back up at Poppy.

“Don’t say it,” he mumbled, brushing past her so he could take a seat again. He could practically hear her saying “told you so”.

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” she said, going back to bandaging another cut on his shoulder. “Just that if you had let me do it in the first place, it would have felt better faster.”

“Well, it hurt,” Remus pouted, knowing it was a lame response.

“Here, drink this,” Poppy ordered, handing a potion to Remus. “And this. This one too.”

“Okay, geez. I can’t hold all of these.”

Remus took one potion at a time, plugging his nose so that he didn’t have to smell it before he drank it. It didn’t help to make the taste any more pleasant.

“I’m going to have you stay here one night just in case,” Poppy said right as she started cleaning out the small cuts on Remus’ hands.

“Ow. What? No way. I’m fine, Poppy. Better than fine,” Remus insisted.

“Can we come in now!” James shouted from the hallway.

“No! I’m not finished!” Poppy yelled back.

Remus heard the sound of a thud, and he could picture James dramatically sliding down the wall, landing hard on his butt, and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Remus, it’s just a precaution,” Poppy said, returning to their conversation.

“It’s a stupid precaution. For once, I thought I wouldn’t have to miss classes over this,” Remus argued. “Because I feel _fine_.”

“So you’ve said. And there is no way you are going back to class. Not today, or tomorrow morning. Honestly, Remus. I thought you would have learned by now.”

“Tomorrow morning!” Remus exclaimed. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“What about now?” James shouted.

“No!” Remus and Poppy answered in unison.

“Remus, you have a terrible track record when it comes to telling the truth about your health. You’re staying the night, and no classes tomorrow. That’s final.”

“But—”

“Nope.”

“I just—”

“Uh uh.” Poppy said, turning away to wash her hands. “You can come in now boys!”

James came racing into the room like he hadn’t seen Remus in ages. For a moment Remus was afraid James was going to jump on him or something, but he came to an abrupt halt right before he hit Remus’ bed. Sirius was close behind him with Peter trailing after Sirius.

“Moooons,” James exclaimed, sitting next to Remus on the bed. “You aren’t laying down; that’s a good sign.”

“He should be,” Poppy muttered from the counter.

Sirius smirked at her words. Sometimes Remus felt like Sirius and Poppy were a tag team for treating Remus like a baby that needed taking care of.

Sirius sat down next to Remus, like he always did, but it made Remus instantly uncomfortable. He could feel Sirius and James’ knees pressed against his, but it was only one that was setting him on edge. Peter sat down on the floor, so he could continue eating the chocolate frog that he was eating. (Madame Pomfrey didn’t let him eat chocolate in the beds after what happened the last time.)

Usually at this point, Sirius would be asking Remus all kinds of questions that Remus would pretend he was annoyed at but actually wasn’t. It was usually like how he was feeling or what Sirius could do to help, as if Madame Pomfrey hadn’t already taken care of him. Instead, Sirius sat quietly next to him, his eyes downcast.

Remus wondered if he had finally given up trying to get his attention and hoped that he had. Suddenly, he was kind of thankful to be staying the night here because he wasn’t ready to address what had happened to them yet, or even think about it.

There was a long silence, and Remus realized everyone was _actually_ waiting for Sirius to speak, like things couldn’t keep moving forward until Sirius had said something to Remus.

Sirius turned toward him, his knee pushing more against Remus’, and Remus could feel him staring intently at the side of his head.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

Remus could hear that Sirius had put so much more into the question than just wondering about how he was doing because of the full moon. Even James and Peter must have heard it because Peter stopped eating his chocolate frog for a second, glancing up to watch Remus and Sirius, and James leaned forward to look at Sirius.

Remus kept his eyes trained on his hands that were in his lap. “Fine.”

“Really?” Sirius asked.

Remus swallowed, feeling the weight of all three of his friend’s eyes on him. “Yeah, Madame Pomfrey says I can leave tomorrow morning, but she’s only keeping me here for precaution.”

Remus saw Sirius clench his jaw next to him, and his knee bounced a little. After an unbearably long pause, James filled in the silence.

“Well, that’s great to hear!” he said, patting Remus on his good shoulder.

Remus nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Madame Pomfrey left to talk to Dumbledore, and the Marauders all stayed with Remus for a while until she came back and scolded them to get back to class. As they were leaving, Sirius looked back, but Remus ducked his head, pretending that he hadn’t been looking.

The boys came back later, but everyone got tired eventually, and James and Peter stood up to leave.

“Umm, I’ll stay for a second. I need to talk to you,” Sirius told Remus, his voice sounding unsure.

“Oh, uh, actually I’m really tired,” Remus lied. “Maybe you can tell me whatever it is tomorrow?”

Sirius looked at Remus for a second, and Remus could tell he was doing that thing where he tried to read him. Remus didn’t know what Sirius saw, but he nodded lightly, standing up on shaky legs.

“Okay. Uh, sleep well,” he said.

“You too,” Remus mumbled, turning his back to Sirius, pretending that he was going to sleep.

Once he was sure everyone was gone, he turned over, staring up at the high ceilings. He let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he had been holding, trying to keep his thoughts from turning to a place that he didn’t want them to go, but it was inevitable, and he had only been holding it off.

Remus retraced the memory of Sirius and him sitting on his bed. What happened? One moment Remus had been a blubbering mess, and the next thing he knew, Sirius was kissing him. And not just any kissing. It was like a desperate release, and the strangest part was that Remus felt like it had been a release for both of them. But what could that mean?

The first time that Sirius had kissed him, Remus had written it off as Sirius being drunk and not thinking straight. Sirius _had_ thought that it was a girl he hooked up with the next morning. But how could he write this time away? How could he say that it was one sided when he could still remember the way Sirius had pressed closer to him, kissing him with an urgency that almost made Remus shiver just thinking about.

Was it possible that Sirius liked Remus too? He didn’t know how that could be possible. Of course, he knew that there was a chance that Sirius was bi like he was, but it wasn’t really that.

It was more that Remus was _nothing_ like the girls that Sirius went for. Popular, gorgeous, and so available for him to be with. Despite his name, Sirius didn’t take relationships seriously, and for some reason, Remus didn’t think Sirius would risk kissing Remus just for some one time thing like the girls he was with.

Remus shook his head, trying to close his eyes and sleep away his thoughts. They were too strong, though, twisting around in his head over and over until he felt restless and couldn’t help but sort them all out before he could possibly get a wink of sleep in.

He decided to go at it with a more rational approach. Did it even matter if he figured out what Sirius’ intentions of kissing him were? Remus had already decided long ago that he could never be with Sirius.

He had already accepted that he could never be with anyone in a real relationship. His reasoning still stood strong. He was still a werewolf, and he would never subject anyone to a life of that. Especially not Sirius. It was already enough that James, Peter, and Sirius had to deal with Remus all throughout school. No way could he make anyone be with him for the rest of their lives.

It was then that Remus realized that if given the chance to be with Sirius, he would want to spend the rest of his life with him. He didn’t care if he was being dramatic because it was one of those nights—late and in bed—that you were allowed to have dramatic thoughts.

After given a taste of what being with Sirius would be like, Remus knew that once he had that for real, once he fully let himself give in, there was no going back. He was desperately in love with Sirius, and it was because he was desperately in love with Sirius that he would do whatever he could to protect Sirius from a life of dealing with himself

Sirius had enough problems as it was. He needed someone that could take care of him, not someone that he would have to take care of.

Remus felt so much better and achingly worse after he had thought about everything. He knew now that he needed to talk to Sirius. He needed to find out why Sirius had kissed him, and he needed to tell him that it had been a mistake.

Despite having sorted things out, Remus could not get to sleep. His mind kept taking him back to a place where Sirius was pressing him into the bed, looking at him like he was the only person in the entire world. He couldn’t escape the immature pain of knowing he would never have that again. Worst of all, he let his mind wander to a place where wondering what would have happened if they hadn’t been interrupted was okay.

Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, Remus climbed out of bed, being careful to tiptoe to the cabinets where he knew the sleeping draughts were. Poppy had it password protected, but Remus had heard her say it enough times.

“Wonky erumpents,” Remus whispered.

He hoped that Poppy wouldn’t notice that any was missing, and downed the drought in one gulp.

Before he knew it, it was the next morning, and Remus woke up to a soft morning light, his muscles aching even more than they had the day before. It seemed like in order to heal, things always had to get worse first. He wasn’t going to tell Poppy that, though. Not when she was going to let him leave that morning.

Poppy checked all of Remus’ healing cuts and bruises. Only after he had assured her numerous times that he was feeling better than usual and after he promised not to go to any classes that day, did she finally let him leave.

Remus rushed down the halls, ignoring the aches that he felt all over his body. He had two minutes to make it to Potions, and he was feeling pretty confident that he could make it until he turned around a corner and ran right into Sirius.

He stumbled back a couple steps and felt Sirius’ hands lurch forward to steady Remus. Sirius didn’t take his hands off him.

“Re?” Sirius said, looking dazed. Something must have clicked, though, because suddenly his eyes filled with panic. “Oh my gosh, are you okay; I’m so sorry. What are you doing out of the hospital wing?

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Remus lied since his body was throbbing from the small impact of hitting Sirius. “I was trying to make it to Potions on time.”

Remus looked around Sirius, wondering if he still had time to make it. Probably not. He didn’t want to be late, there wouldn’t be much point if he would be marked late instead of given an excused absence.

“Potions?” Sirius sounded more confused than he had earlier. “You can’t go to Potions.”

“Why not?”

“Well, because. Because you just had the full moon,” Sirius stuttered, his hand tightening on Remus’ arm.

“Well, I feel fine, and Madame Pomfrey let me leave so… wait, aren’t you supposed to be in Potions?”

“I was coming to talk to you,” Sirius admitted. “And I’m glad for it too. No way in hell am I letting you go to Potions.”

Remus crossed his arms over his chest, looking defiantly at Sirius. “You don’t get to decided what classes I go to.”

Sirius scoffed. “Remus, I specifically heard Madame Pomfrey say no classes today.”

“She changed her mind,” Remus lied.

“Oh, is that right?” Sirius had that amused look in his face that said he could read Remus too well for dumb lies like this.

Remus sighed. “Whatever. You’re right, though. We do need to talk,” Remus changed the subject, knowing that Sirius wasn’t buying it.

“Really? I was getting the feeling that you didn’t want to talk to me.”

“Well, I didn’t, but now I think I’ve figured some stuff out.”

Remus tried to keep his face neutral, knowing that Sirius was observing every little tic of emotion that he made. He didn’t want to reveal anything unwanted on his face. Like that what he was about to tell Sirius was going to be very hard to say.

“Can we talk somewhere more private?” Sirius asked.

The boys walked back to their room in silence. It was one of the first times that Remus had ever felt awkward with Sirius, and he hated it.

Once Sirius closed the door to their room, he turned toward Remus, eyeing him like they had never talked in their entire lives before. They each sat on different beds, facing each other. Remus refused to talk first, opting for staring at his hands instead.

“So, I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday,” Sirius started.

Remus nodded, still looking down. “Yeah, me too.”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Remus what Sirius said next because Sirius wasn’t one to hold back or feel uncomfortable during conversations, but it shocked him all the same.

“I’m not sorry that we kissed, but I got the feeling you were, which scares me,” Sirius confessed.

Remus’ eyes shot up upon hearing that Sirius didn’t regret their kiss. It was his turn to talk, and he realized he needed to be very careful about what he said during this conversation.

“What do you mean you aren’t sorry that we kissed?” Remus asked.

“So you _do_ regret it,” Sirius said, his voice sounding so strong compared to the devastated look that Sirius was trying to conceal on his face.

Remus didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know if he should tell Sirius that he liked the kiss but couldn’t be with him, or if it would be better to play it off as the feelings not being mutual. Remus decided that he needed to be completely honest with Sirius if Sirius was being completely honest with him.

“I didn’t say that I regretted it; I was just asking you what you meant,” Remus explained.

“Well, I meant exactly what I said. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I’ve been holding back for so long.” Sirius’ voice was tinged with something Remus thought was pain.

His words made Remus’ mind race. Remus tried to keep himself composed after such an admission despite the fact that Sirius’ words were dizzying just thinking about. If Sirius was going to be this forward, there was no point in lying to him.

“Sirius, there was one other time that you, uh, didn’t hold back.”

“What?” Sirius asked.

“The night of the party, when I was trying to get you back to our room, we had to hide in a closet to escape a professor, and,” Remus paused, knowing that his face was definitely turning red.

“And what?” Sirius asked, his voice tight and clipped. Remus knew that Sirius knew what he was about to say.

“And you, well you kissed me.”

“Did you kiss me back?” Sirius asked.

Remus had been honest so far, but he couldn’t possibly admit that he had if he was going to get through this conversation. “I told you that you were drunk and that you weren’t in your right mind. You apologized, and I said it was fine, and we went back to the room.

Sirius’ face was a blur of emotions, and Remus couldn’t catch any of them fast enough; they changed too quickly.

“Rems, I—”

“If you’re going to apologize, it’s fine. You already did.”

Sirius nodded, unable to say anything. Finally after a long he time, he said, “You were wrong about one thing.”

“What?”

“I was definitely in my right mind if I kissed you that night, alcohol or not.”

Every word that came out of Sirius’ mouth made Remus feel like he was falling. He played with the sleeves of his sweater to hold onto something solid and real. “What do you mean? Why would you want to kiss me?”

“Because I like you,” Sirius said like it was completely obvious.

Remus stuttered out a delayed response, “How? But, you date so many girls. And I’m—”

“Perfect?” Sirius interrupted. “Remus I’ve liked you for years.” For the first time in their conversation, Sirius broke eye contact, looking down at the floor. “And I’m not into any of those girls I’ve been with.”

“How can you say that? I’ve seen the way you kiss them, and I’ve heard the stories.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “The stories are fake, and the only reason I kiss them like that is because for so many years I thought that maybe if I just found the right girl, I would finally get over you. I thought that I could distract myself, and keep myself from doing something I would regret. But then I kissed you yesterday, and I realized how stupid I’ve been. Because of all those girls I’ve been with, I have _never_ felt anything like that. It was so…real.”

Sirius was looking at Remus now, his eyes moving back and forth quickly as he searched Remus’ eyes. Remus ducked his head, unsure if he would be able to talk without crying. This was what Remus had dreamed about for so long, and now he had to shut it down.

“So, you’re saying that all of this time, you’ve only been dating girls because you were hung up over me?” Remus asked, his voice shaking uncontrollably. He knew Sirius would hear the quavers and tried to clear his throat.

“Yeah, and I was scared of what my family would do if they found out I was gay. There were a lot of reasons actually, but you were the main one.”

Remus was pretty sure that he was gaping at Sirius, but he couldn’t stop. Sirius looked at him, and he almost seemed vulnerable. After a long silence, Sirius spoke up.

“I’m assuming you don’t feel the same way,” Sirius said, his voice breaking.

This was the moment of truth. Remus took a deep breath. “Sirius, I lied when you asked me if I kissed you back the night of the party. I did kiss you back, only for a moment, but it was one of the best moments of my life.”

Remus heard Sirius suck in a breath, and his eyes filled with so much emotion that Remus couldn’t look away. Sirius smiled from ear to ear, and it was that smile that broke Remus. 

“Remus,” Sirius whispered, leaning forward like he was going to kiss Remus, or at least get closer to him.

“But,” Remus said pulling back from Sirius. Sirius’ face fell, and Remus tried to stay strong, “That kiss yesterday was a mistake.”

Sirius looked like he had been punched in the stomach, and Remus’ instincts told him to reach out and comfort him, but he held himself back, digging his fingernails into his palms.

“How was it a mistake if you like me too?” Sirius muttered.

“Because I know that we can’t ever be together, and kissing you made it so much harder for us to stay apart.”

“Remus, I think that I _need_ to be with you. I don’t care if it’s secret, I just can’t go any longer without you. Not now. Not after yesterday, and not after I know you liked it too.”

“It’s not about if it’s a secret or not,” Remus sighed, twiddling his fingers, and keeping his eye off Sirius.

“Well, then what’s it about? I know that I’ve been with a lot of girls, but that’s over, Remus. That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have been with them when I wasn’t ever going to be interested.”

“It’s not—” Remus tried to say. 

“And I know that I get drunk sometimes, and angry, and I know my family sucks, which is why I tried to hold back for so long.” Sirius continued. “You deserve so much more than me Remus, but I’m going to be really selfish and say that I want you too bad to let you be with someone else.”

“Sirius.”

“Speaking of which, if this is about Angela—” Sirius said, not listening to Remus, who was trying to interject.

“Amanda,” Remus muttered.

“If this is about Amanda, then I’ll be better. I’ve known you longer than she has, and I will care about you more than she ever can. I know it might not seem like that because of who I am. But I swear, Moony, I’ll be the best I can be for you.”

“It’s not about any of those things,” Remus finally burst out, annoyed that Sirius wasn’t listening to him.

“It’s not?” Sirius asked, sounding confused.

“No. I don’t care about the girls you’ve been with. At least, not exactly. And it’s not because you get angry and drink. I like you for the good and bad. Sirius, I don’t know why you’re acting like you would be so terrible. You’ve been there for me since first year, and you don’t need to be any better than you already are. And this isn’t about Amanda either.”

“I don’t understand,” Sirius said.

Sirius had been scooting his foot closer to Remus’, across from him, slowly, and he poked Remus a little. When Remus didn’t pull back, Sirius placed his foot on top of Remus’ lightly.

“I feel like you’re forgetting that I’m a werewolf,” Remus sighed.

Sirius rose one of his eyebrows, scooting forward to the edge of the bed. “What does… being a werewolf have to do with us?”

“You’re joking, right?” Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. “Rems, you know I don’t care that you’re a werewolf. It doesn’t change who you are to me.”

Remus laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, you make that very clear.”

“It’s true,” Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand, tracing his thumb over each of Remus’ fingers.

“It’s not what you think.” Remus paused, realizing that what he was about to tell Sirius was going to reveal just how much he cared about him. “I don’t want to freak you out,” Remus started, “but if I was with you, I could never lose you, and that means I would be subjecting you to so many months of having to deal with me.”

Sirius’ eyes warmed, and his hand tightened on Remus’ when he heard the part about Remus never wanting to lose him, but his smile dropped when Remus finished.

“Deal with you? What the hell do you mean by that?” Sirius asked.

“You know me, Sirius. I get pathetic during the full moon, and after it I’m all broken and need time to heal. I can’t subject you to having to see me like that every month. You deserve someone who you don’t have to constantly ruin your days to make sure they’re okay.”

Sirius looked extremely offended, and Remus tried to run through his words to decide what he said that would have offended him.

“Pathetic? Subject me? Ruin my days? Remus, I just told you that I love you, and you think we shouldn’t be together because you don’t want me to take care of you? Well too bad because together or not, I’m not going anywhere. The fact that you would even think that me being with you is me _dealing_ with you is so insulting. You should know that I like being with you by now.”

Remus was completely speechless at Sirius’ words. He barely heard anything after Sirius saying that he loved him. Had he even noticed that he said it? Remus’ mouth was dropped open, and he stared at Sirius, trying to say something.

“You… you love me?”

Sirius looked at Remus blankly, and then he slid to the wood floor between them, sitting in front of Remus on both of his knees.

“I thought it was obvious,” Sirius whispered, resting his arms on Remus’ knees, and taking Remus’ hands in his. “Remus Lupin, I have been desperately in love with you since first year, and if you are saying that you like me back but won’t let me date you because you don’t want me to take care of you, then there is no way that I’m going to let you get away with that excuse.”

Remus felt like he was going to explode. He had fantasized about Sirius telling him that he was in love with him so many times, but he never pictured it being so difficult. 

“Sirius,” Remus swiped a tear out of his eye. “It’s not just that. It’s that, can you imagine what people will say? You have everything going for you. I can’t let you be with a half-blood who’s a werewolf and a boy. It’s almost unfair.”

Sirius stood up from where he was crouched in front of Remus and ran a hand through his hair. He paced in front of Remus, back and forth, back and forth. “No. You know what isn’t fair? It isn’t fair that you get to decide if I want to be with you or not. So what if you’re a half-blood werewolf boy? Maybe that’s the person I fell for,” Sirius said angrily.

“Well maybe that was a mistake,” Remus snapped.

Sirius stared at Remus, his eyes a mix of fire and ice. Sirius marched towards Remus, shoved him down so that his back was against the bed, leaned over him so that his mouth was just close to touching Remus’, and whispered, “That’s the thing about mistakes; they’re just bad choices, but falling for you wasn’t a choice; it was inevitable.”

And then Sirius kissed him. He kissed him firm and hard, his fingers tight in Remus’ hair. Remus kissed him back because he couldn’t stand not to, but in between kisses, he said, “Sirius, I can’t be with you.”

Sirius bit Remus’ lip when Remus finished his sentence, pressing his body against Remus’. “But doesn’t this feel so right?” Sirius asked, looking down at him almost hungrily.

“I can’t risk hurting you,” Remus whispered, pulling back, and turning his head when Sirius tried to kiss him again. “Or losing you.”

“You could never hurt me,” Sirius responded, kissing down Remus’ neck.

“You don’t know that,” Remus said, his voice cracking. He swiped tears quickly from his eyes and looked up at Sirius who had pulled up to look Remus in the eye. Sirius brushed his fingers down Remus’ cheek, landing on his lips.

“Yeah,” Sirius said. “I do.”

Sirius leaned down to kiss Remus’ forehead, this kiss softer than any of the other ones. When Sirius kissed Remus on the mouth, he couldn’t help but kiss him back for a moment, letting the feeling of being with Sirius wash over him. When he knew if he didn’t pull away then, he wasn’t ever going to be able to, Remus gently moved, pushing Sirius a bit off of him. Sirius sat up, rolling onto the other side of the bed.

Remus sighed. “Sirius when we graduate, I’m not going to be able to get a job. Nobody wants to hire a werewolf. And when we’re older, and you’re tired and ready to settle down, guess what will still be happening every month?”

“I don’t care about any of that,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “I’ll help you find a job, and if you work a muggle job, that’s okay. And when we’re older I just want to be with you. I don’t care if you think it will be a burden because it won’t. Not if I get to wake up next to you every morning, and kiss you every night.”

Remus couldn’t bear to look at Sirius anymore. He felt like he was hanging from a thin piece of string, and if it was cut, he was going to fall into Sirius’ arms and agree to be with him, and let himself love Sirius, and honestly that didn’t sound so bad at the moment.

“I, I can’t think right now, Sirius,” Remus admitted. “Not with you here. This is all too much too fast.”

Last night, Remus felt like he had everything figured out, but he never expected that Sirius was going to say any of the things that he had said, and he never expected to be kissed again, and it was giving him a headache; everything that was so unexpected.

“Okay,” Sirius said quietly. “If you need time, that’s okay. I get that. I know it’s a lot for me to tell you , I just never imagined that you would like me too, and now that I know you do, I’m not going to stop fighting for you.”

“Sirius—”

“No, I’m not kidding. I won’t stop.” Sirius stood up and walked around the bed, standing in front of Remus. He leaned down and kissed him on the lips. It was a soft and lingering kiss that temporarily cleared Remus’ head, and then Sirius was pulling away and whispering, “I’ll give you that time you needed to think,” and he left.

Remus imagined how ridiculous he must have looked then, sitting on the bed, looking completely stunned. The room felt so quiet without Sirius, and the weight of the words they had both shared was still clogging up the air, filling the room with unanswerable questions.

Remus fell back onto the bed, letting out a sigh. He brought up his hand to run over his face.

 _What am I going to do now?_ Remus thought, and for once, he had absolutely no idea.


	11. Chapter 11

Hogwarts smelled like hot chocolate.

The scent drifted out of the Great Hall, wafted down the hallways, and lingered in the common rooms. It clung to students who had pink cheeks and were bundled in coats and mittens.

Snow was drifting down slowly like it wanted to linger in the chilly arms of the winter breeze. It was the type of snow that nobody wanted to ruin because it was so soft and pretty to look at, and the type of snow that everybody wanted to ruin because they couldn’t help but barrel through its untouched flakes, carving paths and building snowmen.

Christmas was coming, and it was getting to the point where no one could pay attention in class because they knew they were so close to being done, and things really didn’t seem to matter as much as they usually did.

Of course, with the long break ahead of them, professors were scheduling all of their last minute tests and assignments right when students couldn’t focus the most, so the common room was in a silent state of studying students, all fidgeting with their pencils and rubbing their eyes.

Everyone was waiting out the trip to Hogsmeade that was happening in about an hour, but their minds were so focused on the fact that they would be going to Hogsmeade soon, that nothing was getting done, despite how quiet the room was.

Remus had his nose stuck in his own book, and luckily he was not in the same debacle that the other students were experiencing, finding it quite easy to focus on the task at hand. He was just jotting down a few notes when a soft weight settled into the cushion next to him. Remus frowned to himself. James never sat down gently, Sirius never sat so far away from Remus, and Peter had a much heavier presence.

Remus looked up, expecting to see Lily but was instead shocked to find Amanda with a Gryffindor scarf slung around her neck instead of her usual Hufflepuff one.

“Amanda? You know you can’t be in here,” Remus whispered urgently.

Amanda smiled her bright smile and leaned in a little closer. “Don’t worry. Lily let me in.”

Remus lifted his head, glancing around the room. He spotted Lily sitting at a chair next to James who was doodling something on her hand. Lily caught Remus’ eye and winked at him. Remus turned back towards Amanda.

“That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be here.”

“Well, I figure you and Lily are the only ones who could really get me in trouble, so…” Amanda explained quietly.

Remus finally let himself smile, leaning back against the couch. “I guess, you’re right.” Remus was going to say something else, but out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Peter and Sirius coming their way to the grouping of couches Remus was at.

He pulled away quickly, realizing him and Amanda had been leaning close to each other so that they could hear one another better. He was too late, though, because he looked up just in time to see Sirius narrowing his eyes the moment he spotted Remus and Amanda whispering to each other.

Amanda rose an eyebrow at Remus, but when she saw Sirius and Peter, Remus almost thought that he saw a smile come and go on her face. He didn’t know what it meant.

Sirius and Peter sat across from them and pulled their chairs up closer so that they could talk better with Remus and Amanda.

“How’d you get in here?” Peter asked Amanda quietly.

“Lily,” she responded.

Sirius gave her a cool glance and kicked his leg up to balance on his knee. “You know you aren’t supposed to be in here.”

Amanda laughed, either unaware of the coldness in Sirius’ voice, or choosing to ignore it. “Yeah Remus already warned me.”

Remus heard Sirius mutter, “Should have listened to him,” under his breath, and he hoped that only he could hear it because of his werewolf hearing.

Things had been weird between Remus and Sirius for the past week. At least, they had been weird for Remus. Sirius seemed completely fine despite the fact that Remus had been more or less ignoring him. He hadn’t tried to ignore him, but it had been his temporary solution for the time being. Once he was on break, back at the farm, he could have time to think away from Sirius, and he hoped the feelings he had been dealing with these last days might be settled a bit.

“Are you coming to Hogsmeade with us?” Peter asked, sounding like an offer.

“Sure!” Amanda said at the same time that Sirius deadpanned, “No.”

Remus shot Sirius a glare, and Sirius gave him one of his smirks that he did when he was pretending that he didn’t do anything wrong. Remus rolled his eyes.

“Yes,” Remus said, turning his eyes to Peter. “She is.”

While Remus had made it his mission to avoid being alone and talking with Sirius this week, Sirius had made it his mission to be as passive aggressive as possible towards Amanda. Remus always watched Amanda to see how she would respond to Sirius, but she never seemed phased by it in the least, which was good but also confusing.

The rest of the conversation steered towards Peter asking Amanda questions because she was, after all, a pretty girl. Sirius sat brooding next to Peter, his arms crossed, and his eyes the color of river stones. Remus added comments in here and there, trying to join in conversation for Amanda’s sake.

An hour must have passed of the group quietly whispering to each other because soon enough, the students began closing their books, standing up, and chatting quietly amongst each other as everyone began to finish up their work.

“Hogsmeade time,” James said too loudly (like usual) as he strolled towards them, his arm wrapped around Lily’s shoulders.

Lily looked embarrassed and somewhat annoyed, but she didn’t make a move to push James off of her. Remus rose his eyebrow at her subtly, and her face turned bright red. She smiled softly and ducked her head, letting her orange hair fall into her face.

The group made their way to the school grounds, watching as Professor McGonagall struggled to make sure everyone leaving had their permission slips. Remus shivered even with his big coat on. Someone behind him grabbed onto the hat he was wearing and pulled it down over his face. He heard Sirius’ laugh brush past him and continue further ahead of him.

“Sirius!” Remus yelled, pulling his hat up so that he could see.

Sirius had stopped behind James and Lily, but in front of Remus, Amanda, and Peter. He had his hands on his hips and a look in his eyes that said _what are you going to do now?_ Remus thought about casting a spell to pull on Sirius’ scarf, but after the week of having not much interaction with him, Remus just shook his head softly at Sirius, hoping he looked jokingly exasperated.

Remus turned back towards Peter who was talking excitedly about the candy he was going to buy at Hogsmeade. If Sirius looked disappointed, Remus wouldn’t know because he chose not to look back up.

When Peter was done, Amanda pulled Remus aside from the group. He looked at her questioningly.

“Is something up with you and Sirius?” she asked.

“What? No,” Remus lied. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, it just seems like you’ve been avoiding him or something.”

“No, I haven’t. He sat with us in the common room, didn’t he? Also, he just pulled my hat down like he always does, so nothing is up.”

Amanda looked like she was thinking about what she was going to say next, and started hesitantly. “Yeah, that’s just it. He sat with us, and you didn’t say one word to him. I mean, usually you two are practically attached at the hip.”

“Are not,” Remus argued.

“You are!” Amanda said, laughing. “And just then, when Sirius pulled your hat down, usually you would go after him or something. You two are always teasing each other, but lately it seems like it’s just Sirius teasing you.”

“I didn’t realize that you paid so much attention to me and Sirius,” Remus joked, avoiding commenting on Amanda’s words.

Amanda punched Remus playfully in the shoulder, and ducked her head. “I don’t. I’m just a very observant person.”

Remus nodded but didn’t say anything. He watched his feet as they cut through the snow that had fallen on the path. He could feel Amanda’s eyes watching him. He felt like he did when Lily was scolding him or something.

Looking back up at Amanda, Remus sighed. “Nothing’s wrong. Things have just been a little weird between us lately.”

“Why?” Amanda asked.

Remus watched Sirius from way up on the path. He had his arm hooked with James’, and they were skipping around each other, singing some made up song about Hogsmeade. He had a smile plastered on his face; the one he got when him and James were being reckless and dumb, with no cares in the world. He thought about how in less than a week, Sirius would have to go back to his house with his family.

“Because Sirius has a lot to deal with, and he deserves to be happy, and there’s this part of me that thinks that he can’t possibly be happy with me. I guess I’m just scared of losing him.”

Remus knew that Amanda didn’t exactly understand what Remus was saying. She didn’t know that Remus was a werewolf, and she didn’t know that Remus wasn’t really talking about just their friendship, but he supposed it was all he could really say.

From up ahead, Lily was calling Amanda’s name. James had thrown Lily over his shoulder and she was giggling for help. Before Amanda ran up to join her friend, she turned to Remus, her eyes looking thoughtful.

“I think that it’s up to Sirius to decide what makes him happy,” she said.

Remus watched her jog up to Lily and James, jokingly taking Lily’s hand and calling out, “Let her go!”

James laughed, dropping Lily in a big bank of snow.

“James Potter!” Lily squealed, struggling to get out of the snow.

Sirius and Peter were chucking snowballs at each other, and Remus smiled to himself, thinking about what Amanda had said to him. Even after he joined the group, helping Lily gang up on James with some snowballs, the words never really left Remus’ head, and he let them circle around and around until he knew what needed to be done.

Remus looked at Sirius, and it took every inch of his control to not run into his arms and kiss him right there in front of everybody. He smiled to himself, knowing that the second he could get Sirius alone for a moment, he was going to tell him that he wanted to be his.


	12. Chapter 12

Sirius was tired of the silence. It dragged on between them like an invisible barrier, and no matter how much he tried to cross the barrier, making jokes and talking like they used to, the response was never what it used to be.

Only a moment ago, Sirius and James had been joking around with each other, dancing and singing. He had forgotten about things for a second, but now he was halfheartedly throwing snowballs at Peter, trying to focus on the task that used to bring him so much joy.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Amanda and Remus walking in step together, their heads ducked to shelter their faces from the wind. The face that Remus was making looked like how it did when Sirius and him had serious conversations together. He said something that made Amanda laugh, and Sirius had to look away.

It was obvious to him why Remus was ignoring him, and every time he thought about how Remus had chosen her, his heart ached. All he could do was put on a smile, and pretend that his world wasn’t falling around him. He understood why Remus would choose her over him. She was very pretty, and she was always smiling. Sirius doubted she ever broke down drunk, unleashing all the baggage that she carried onto Remus who had enough baggage of his own.

Yeah, he understood why he chose her, but that didn’t change the fact that it hurt.

After a while, Amanda ran up to join them, and a second after she did, Remus came too. Sirius watched him as he tossed a snowball at James, and he was beaming brighter than Sirius had seen him smile in a long time. Amanda looked happy too, and Sirius wondered what they had been talking about. Had Remus asked her to officially be his girlfriend?

Sirius tried not to think about it.

Once they had made it to Hogsmeade, and they had all walked around until their toes were numb, and their fingers were stinging, the group made their way to The Three Broomsticks to get some warm drinks.

There was a spot next to Remus, and surprisingly enough, Remus looked up at Sirius and smiled softly. He scooted his chair a bit over as if to tell Sirius to sit down. Sirius pictured Amanda and Remus laughing together and thought that two could play at this little game that Remus had created.

Sirius sat down next to James on the other side of the table, avoiding looking at Remus. It took everything in him to not look up and see if Remus looked hurt. If he did, then Sirius wouldn’t be able to keep this up at all.

When they were walking back to Hogwarts, Remus caught Sirius’ sleeve. Sirius looked at him, and noticed a light in his eyes that had been there since talking to Amanda. He couldn’t do this. Not right now. He couldn’t bare to hear Remus apologizing and telling him that he couldn’t be with him. Not yet.

“Hey, umm, I need to talk to you. Can we meet in the library or something when we get back?” Remus asked.

Sirius searched his eyes for anything that might suggest that he felt bad for what he was going to say. He didn’t see anything, and that hurt even more.

“Can’t, James and I were going to do something,” Sirius said blandly.

Remus’ face fell, and he looked confused. Sirius wanted to tell him that he already knew, that they could spare having this conversation.

“Okay, then can we—” Remus started.

“Talk some other time?” Sirius finished his sentence. “Sure thing.”

And then he left Remus behind, his legs moving forward, but his heart tearing him backward as if physically connected to Remus. His stomach hurt, and he felt like he was going to cry, but he swallowed his tears and kept moving one foot in front of the other, putting more and more distance between himself and Remus.

It felt like something final.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have thrown some shade at Dumbledore in this chapter... whoops. Lots of short chapters right now, but there’s an important long chapter coming soon, so just hold on ;)
> 
> Warning: there is some mention of abusive families in this chapter.

Sirius may have been ignoring Remus, and before that Remus may have been ignoring Sirius, and things may have been pretty tense between them lately, but there was one thing that Remus knew that he had to do for sure. Luckily, Sirius didn’t have a say in it because if he did, Remus knew he wouldn’t let Remus do it.

The only person that Remus needed to talk to at the moment was Albus Dumbledore.

The halls were empty except for the prefects who were doing their nightly rounds around the castle. It was dark and cold, but Remus was on a mission, and he was already mentally preparing himself for the conversation that he was about to have.

Lily had agreed to take his rounds for him, which he was grateful for, and Remus made his way swiftly towards Dumbledore’s office. It was late, but Remus had a feeling that Dumbledore would be up.

Remus pulled his hands into the cuffs of his sweater, looking down briefly at the prefect badge pinned to his robes and then up to the gargoyle that stood in his way to the headmaster’s office.

He took a shaky breath and said, “Fizzing Whizzbees.”

Dumbledore had given Remus access to his office’s code because of Remus’ condition. It helped that he was also a prefect, and someone that Dumbledore had deemed as responsible.

The gargoyle moved aside, and Remus entered cautiously. He knocked lightly before entering, his heart already pumping. It wasn’t like he was about to do anything crazy, but there was something about talking with the headmaster late at night that made him nervous.

To Remus’ luck, he heard Dumbledore telling him to enter, and he walked in slowly. The room was large and circular, and there were portraits of old headmasters hanging everywhere.

Some of them crinkled their faces at Remus, and others smiled kindly. There were many who disagreed with Dumbledore’s decision to allow a werewolf into Hogwarts, but others had been won over by what they called “Remus charm”. Remus didn’t really know about that, but it was always fun hearing some of the crazy things that Dumbledore’s portraits said sometimes.

“Remus,” Dumbledore greeted, not sounding surprised by his entrance.

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, large stacks of papers on all sides of him like mountains. He had crescent shaped glasses sitting on the crook of his nose, and there was a giant feather pen in his hand.

“Hi, is this a bad time?” Remus asked, hesitating to step closer.

“Of course not, my boy. Come take a seat,” Dumbledore offered, waving his hand in front of him. Remus nodded and smiled softly, coming forward to take a seat in a large extravagant chair near Dumbledore’s desk. “What brings you by at this hour?”

“Umm, well it’s about Sirius,” Remus started.

“Ah, I see,” Dumbledore responded, steepling his fingers under his chin. “Don’t be shy.”

Remus took that as a signal to begin, and he opened his mouth, unsure where to start. “Well, I’m sure that you’re aware that Sirius comes from a high class pure-blooded family.”

Dumbledore nodded in response.

“And I’m sure you know of the implications that come from being in a family of that kind of status.”

Dumbledore nodded again.

“Okay, I’m just going to try to get straight to the point. Sirius’ family expects a lot from him. A lot that he isn’t willing to do, but I’m afraid that every time he goes back, they get a little more into his head. They don’t treat him,” Remus paused, searching for the word, “well.”

He searched Dumbledore’s face, trying to pick up any signs of surprise. He didn’t see anything, and he supposed that he hadn’t really quite revealed much yet. He wasn’t exactly sure how much he should tell Dumbledore. It was, after all, Sirius’ private life, but it was also something that needed to be brought to an adult’s attention.

“I don’t think that Sirius is safe at his house, and I’m scared for him with the break that’s coming up,” Remus explained.

“Mr. Black is a very strong student,” Dumbledore consoled. “I’m sure he will be fine.”

Remus felt stunned by Dumbledore’s words. “I’m well aware that Sirius is strong,” Remus started, trying to calm down the bite that went into his words “but I don’t think you understand the extent to which I’m speaking of. His parents… they abuse him.”

Dumbledore nodded sadly. “I see.”

His face looked troubled, and he folded his hands together. Remus thought that he might have finally gotten to Dumbledore, and he leaned in, ready to hear what Dumbledore would say.

“Of course, Sirius is welcome to stay at Hogwarts for the break, just like all of the other students.”

Remus nodded sadly and sighed. “Yes, but you see, his parents won’t allow that, and Sirius won’t do anything that could potentially hurt him in the future. If he disobeys him now, then this summer would be pretty bad for him.”

“What are you suggesting?” Dumbledore asked.

“I don’t really know. I just thought that an adult needed to know he was being…umm…hurt at home,” Remus explained lamely.

“Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will keep a close eye on Mr. Black from now on.”

Remus struggled to speak for a second, opening and closing his mouth. “Well, isn’t there anything you can do? I mean can’t you make him stay here or something? Or talk to his parents. Surely their behavior shouldn’t be allowed, and Sirius isn’t going to tell anyone else about what their doing to him.”

“I’m sorry to say that there isn’t really anything we can do. We can’t force Sirius to stay here, and we don’t know anything for sure about what his family is doing. For now, he will just have to handle a small break with them, and in a couple years he will be able to leave if he wants.”

“Wait,” Remus started, not thinking he heard Dumbledore correctly, “so you’re just going to send him back there? I don’t think you get what their doing. They… they use the cruciatus curse on him,” Remus stuttered, finding it near impossible to even say the words out loud. “I’ve watched him these past days, and he looks terrified. He always does right before he has to go back there.”

Remus was starting to get desperate. He thought that for sure once Dumbledore knew about Sirius, he would at least do _something_. Adults always seemed to know what to do in situations like these. Of course, now that he had mentioned the cruciatus curse, Remus thought that there was no way Dumbledore could sit back and do nothing.

Dumbledore took a deep breath. “While that is terrible, there isn’t anything we can really do. Like I said, we can’t force anyone to do anything, and right now intervening wouldn’t do much. The best I can offer is that you encourage Mr. Black to stay here over break.”

Remus scooted his chair back, standing up abruptly. “How can you just let a student go to a house that you know is hurting him? What do you mean there’s nothing you can do? There using illegal curses; that has to be something.”

Remus could feel his hands shaking, and his head was swimming with confusion. This was not the Dumbledore that he thought he knew. The Dumbledore who allowed a werewolf into Hogwarts and always seemed like he had the students’ best interest at heart.

What kind of an adult willingly sent a child into an abusive home?

“I’m very sorry Mr. Lupin. Unless Mr. Black comes to me himself, or this becomes a larger problem, my hands are tied for now.”

“I understand,” Remus responded, his voice shaking as he spoke. “If you’ll excuse me.”

Remus turned on shaky legs, heading for the door.

“Remus,” Dumbledore called from behind him.

“Thank you for your time,” Remus muttered back, his vision going blurry, and his legs weakening with each step.

Remus didn’t hear if Dumbledore responded. He fled down the halls, his heart panicking. Now what was he going to do? Let Sirius go back there? He was tired of letting Sirius go back there. And now, with the war getting closer, and the threat of his parents pushing Sirius into becoming a Death Eater, how could Remus do nothing?

Remus found Lily standing at his post. She smiled at him, but her face fell when she saw Remus’ face.

“What’s wrong?” Lily asked, taking big steps to meet him.

Remus shook his head, trying to choke out words, but his throat felt closed up, and his head felt heavy.

“Remus, what’s wrong?” Lily asked, and her worried voice made a tear slip down his face.

Before he knew it, Lily was pulling Remus against her in a hug. Remus wrapped his arms around her, trying to stop the tears that swam in his eyes, and taking in deep breaths.

“It’s just, I’m feeling really overwhelmed with a lot of stuff right now,” Remus breathed out, knowing in his heart that that was exactly why he was feeling the way he was feeling.

“When’s the full moon?” Lily asked, not pulling away because Remus didn’t.

“It’s not that actually. Just, nothing I want to get into right now,” Remus sighed finally pulling away.

“I’m always here if you want to talk,” Lily offered, her green eyes shining in honesty.

Remus nodded and attempted a weak smile.

“Go get some sleep. I’ll take your spot.”

“Are you sure?” Remus asked.

Lily nodded and gave Remus a soft push in the direction of the common room. “Love you, Lily.” Remus said.

“Love you too,” she responded. 

Remus was grateful to have Lily as a friend, and he knew that if anything ever did start between her and James, it wasn’t going to be Lily who he was warning not to hurt his best mate.

Remus pulled on the fabric of his sweater, trying to calm himself down as he quietly slipped back to their room. He looked at his bed, and then he looked at Sirius’. Sirius and Remus weren’t really talking, and Sirius had suddenly started to act weird around him, but Remus didn’t really care at the moment. He was tired and confused, and his head was swimming.

He pulled on his pajamas, and climbed as carefully as he could next to Sirius, pulling Sirius’ arm up and around his waist slowly. Sirius stayed asleep, which wasn’t really a surprise, and Remus breathed out a sigh of relief.

When Remus woke up the next morning, Sirius was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

Sirius had lost feeling in his toes about an hour ago. He had tried to cast a warming charm, but he had never been very good at those, especially when he was drunk. It always seemed that the only spells Sirius was good at were ones that weren’t very useful like turning people’s feet green or making small rooms erupt in fireworks.

The lake was frozen over, but that didn’t stop Sirius from staring at it like it had the answers he was searching for. The only thing that was keeping him warm was the firewhiskey that burned his throat and made him numb as he drank it.

The breeze was whispering things to him, but he wasn’t listening, and the trees were rustling in a way that made the cold night feel surreal. He couldn’t see any stars or the moon because there were dark winter clouds covering the night sky.

He had lost track of when he gave up on Remus coming. He guessed maybe an hour or more ago. His mind was swirling around in a drunken daze like mixed paint, and he had a feeling like he wasn’t truly in his body, which was probably a good thing considering his fingers were basically frozen to the bottle in his hand.

The sound of crunching snow, and the sight of a body sitting down next to him barely registered in his mind.

She had giant earmuffs on, and was holding her wand out defensively in front of her. Sirius eyed it questioningly.

“What are you doing here, Angela?” he asked, not sounding too angry even though that had been what he was going for. He was too drunk for this.

“Amanda,” Angela corrected. “Remus told me you were here.”

“Remus knows I’m out here?” Sirius asked, his voice sounding pathetic even to his drunken ears. 

“Yeah, he was going to come, but I asked him if I could instead.” Angela looked down at her wand. “He said that you might get mad at me, so he made me bring my wand.”

“Well I’m not feeling very angry right now, so you can lower it,” Sirius muttered.

“Sorry,” she apologized, slipping it back in her pocket.

Sirius didn’t respond. He didn’t want to talk to Angela. He wanted to talk to Remus, but Angela had made sure that wouldn’t happen.

“What are you doing here?” Sirius asked, repeating his earlier question.

“I needed to talk to you. Are you going to remember this in the morning?”

“It takes a lot of alcohol for me to forget things,” Sirius muttered, thinking about the night of the party. He used to get terrible feelings when he thought of it, but now he didn’t know what to think after Remus had told him that they had kissed that night. Maybe a little better. He wished he had remembered it, though.

“Calidum aerum,” Angela said.

Sirius didn’t know why he hadn’t tried harder to cast a warming charm because suddenly feeling was returning to his toes, and his face wasn’t tingling. It made him feel both tired and more sober. Sirius almost thanked Angela, but then he remembered that he didn’t particularly like her, so he decided to get straight to the point. He didn’t know why else Angela would have wanted to take Remus’ place by his side tonight.

“If you’re going to tell me about your and Remus’ relationship, I don’t want to hear it,” Sirius muttered. “If this is Remus’ attempt at breaking the news, I already know.”

“Sirius, Remus and I aren’t together.”

Sirius looked at Angela coldly. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I know that you’re in love with him,” she said softly.

Sirius continued to stare at her. “He told you?” 

“He knows?”

“What?” Sirius asked confused. “Yeah, he knows.”

“So, then why do you think that we’re together?”

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Angela. “Because everyone told me you guys were together, and after I told him that I liked him, he started ignoring me to talk to you.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense. Remus is in love with you.”

“Did he tell you that?” Sirius asked.

“No. I just know.”

“Okay, Angela, maybe it’s because I’m drunk right now, but you’re making no sense.”

“It’s Amanda,” Angela quipped. “ And what I’m trying to tell you is that Remus and I have never, and will never, be in a relationship together.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Sirius asked, looking at Angela blankly.

“Because I know that every time I’m around you, you get all jealous like a hurt child, and I don’t understand why you act like that when we aren’t even together. Besides, now I’m really confused if you’re saying that you already told him. I thought he was just being oblivious.”

Angela seemed like she was speaking to herself by the end of her talking, and Sirius rose his eyebrow at her.

“I genuinely thought you two were together, so that was why I was acting ‘ jealous like a hurt child’. I assumed that was why Remus was being so weird lately, but now it’s obvious that he just doesn’t like me,” Sirius turned towards the frozen over lake, weakly throwing a rock that disappeared quietly into the snow. Angela scoffed next to him. “What?” he mumbled at her.

“It’s just, I didn’t take _you_ for being the oblivious one.”

“I’m not oblivious.”

“Okay well, Remus very obviously likes you, so there has to be another reason for all of this.”

Sirius was quiet for a while, taking in this information. Could he trust what Angela was saying? If this was true, what had Remus wanted to talk to Sirius about that day at Hogsmeade? Sirius didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Lily knows too,” Angela whispered after silence had dominated their conversation.

“Knows what?” Sirius whispered back.

“About you two. She says that you look at Remus like he hung the stars in the sky or something.”

Sirius nodded, feeling his cheeks burn up at the accusation. It was true, though, so he couldn’t exactly argue with her.

“So…you’re not at all interested in Remus?” he asked.

There was a long pause, and Sirius almost forgot to see if Angela was going to follow through with his question. His brain was wandering very easily that night. He turned to her, giving her the look that Remus said could draw words from a person in a heartbeat.

She took in a deep breath. Sirius thought her words were going to be shaky from her posture, or hard for her to say from the long stretch of silence, but when she spoke, she said it confidently.

“I’m asexual,” Angela turned to look at the water and added quietly, “which doesn’t mean I couldn’t be interested in Remus, but I promise you that I’m not.”

Sirius didn’t mean to take so long to respond, but he didn’t know what to say. He was surprised that she was comfortable telling him in the first place. Especially with all the rumors around the school about him regarding his sex-life.

“So, you don’t like sex?” Sirius asked, his drunk brain unable to come up with anything else.

“I’m sex-averse, so yeah I guess. I just don’t want to have sex,” she explained.

“Oh,” was all Sirius said.

Amanda looked down at the snow, dragging her gloved finger in swirls through it. It reminded Sirius of the time that Remus picked the grass out of the ground when they had sat out here together at the beginning of the year.

“I still, like, date and stuff. I mean, I’m romantically attracted to people, but not Remus. He’s all yours,” Angela laughed softly to herself.

“Why are you trusting me with this?”

“Well, you didn’t deny being gay, so…”

“Cause it’s true,” Sirius admitted. “I am gay.”

It was the first time that Sirius had come out and said it. He had admitted to Remus that he liked him, but this felt different. This gave him an electric current running through his veins, and made everything seem so much more real.

Angela nodded and offered Sirius a soft smile. “So I guess you trust me too.”

“You know, Amanda, you’re not nearly as bad as I thought you were,” Sirius admitted.

“I think that’s the first time that I’ve ever heard you call me Amanda,” she joked. 

Sirius laughed, and looked at the frozen lake. It looked strange now that he was warm. Like the fact that it was cold enough for there to be ice and snow while he was so warm didn’t add up.

“It must be hard,” Sirius said softly. “Being asexual. You know, with societies dumb expectations and stuff.”

“Yeah. None of the guys I’ve been with seem to understand it. I mean, I guess I can’t really blame them, but it is hard; you’re right.” Amanda looked at Sirius thoughtfully. He looked back at her. “It must be hard being gay, You know, with societies dumb expectations and stuff.”

Sirius laughed freely, a warm feeling in his stomach. Talking about this so openly with someone was nice. 

“I didn’t used to understand it. I thought that if I just found the right girl, or if I tried harder,” Sirius trailed off and shook his head. “I used to be pretty stupid.”

“You weren’t stupid,” Amanda stated. “You were just in denial.”

“Were you ever in denial?” Sirius asked.

Amanda nodded, a sadness filling her eyes that warned Sirius of a backstory hidden deep in her heart. “People have forced me into a lot of uncomfortable situations that I went along with because I was in denial. I thought the same thing as you. If I could only find the right person, or do the right things. Of course, I was also just being stupid.”

“Hey, I thought you said I wasn’t being stupid!” Sirius teased.

“I did say that, didn’t I?”

Sirius and Amanda laughed together for a second, and it felt nice. A feeling of remorse washed over him as he thought about how he had been treating her this past school year, and he looked at her, wondering how he could possibly make it right.

“Hey, I’m really sorry about being so rude to you,” he started.

Amanda shrugged and laughed. “I knew you were just being protective of Remus, or jealous. Either way, I knew it wasn’t really personal.”

Sirius thought about how observant Amanda was, and how she always seemed to be spot on about situations that nobody had even talked to her about. It made him feel even worse.

“That’s true, but it still wasn’t right, and I’m truly sorry.”

Amanda smiled softly. “Thanks.”

“Does Remus know that you’re asexual?” Sirius asked.

Amanda shook her head. “It never really came up, but I knew he thought of me as a friend like how I thought of him as a friend. I’ll tell him soon.”

Sirius nodded slowly.

“I should get going,” Amanda whispered.

Sirius nodded again, and turned towards Amanda as she was standing up. “Hey. I know you said that you _used_ to let people force you into things, but if anyone ever tries to push you into doing something that you don’t want to do, send them to me. I’ll talk some sense into them.”

Amanda smiled, and tilted her head a bit. “Thanks, Sirius. That means more than you know.

“Of course. Anyone would be lucky to be with you, and if they can’t accept you for who you are, then screw them.”

“You told me I was great, but I never told you that you’re kind of awesome too,” Amanda said softly. Sirius smiled in response. “Goodnight, Sirius. Don’t stay out much longer.”

“Night, Amanda. I’ll head in soon.”

Amanda nodded, and started heading back towards the castle. She must have taken her warming charm with her because the cold began to slowly start biting at Sirius, and now that he felt more sober, it wasn’t as tolerable. He gathered himself up, ready to head back to the castle.

He couldn’t help but think about the fact that Remus didn’t, after all, like Amanda romantically. He thought about how Remus had offered him a seat at The Three Broomsticks, and then told him he needed to talk to him later. He thought about how he had woken up the other day with Remus tucked against his chest even though he had fallen asleep alone. He thought, and he thought, and he thought, and he decided that he and Remus needed to do a whole lot of less thinking. If Amanda was right, Remus cared for Sirius too, and the thought made his stomach flip in excitement.

When he got back to the room, Peter and James were asleep, and Remus was sitting up in bed, reading a book. He looked up when Sirius entered.

Sirius reminded himself that he was drunk, and didn’t want a repeat of the night of the party, so he told himself not to kiss Remus. He didn’t need Remus thinking he only kissed him when he got drunk.

Remus put his bookmark in and placed his book on his nightstand, watching Sirius stumble around the room to find his pajamas.

“I was worried you were going to freeze to death,” Remus whispered.

Sirius chuckled quietly, but didn’t answer. His head was starting to hurt, a mix of the cold and the alcohol. Remus slipped under his blanket, and turned to his side. Sirius realized he had been waiting up for him.

Once he had brushed his teeth and changed into his pajamas, Sirius climbed into bed next to Remus, kissed him gently on the cheek, and pressed his cold feet against him.

Remus squirmed away from the cold.

“What are you doing?” he whispered.

“We need to talk,” Sirius responded, pulling Remus closer to him.

“We leave for break tomorrow,” Remus reminded him. 

“In the morning then. Before we leave.”

Sirius felt Remus nod against him, and he couldn’t help but kiss his forehead. He had promised himself he wouldn’t kiss Remus that night, and he had already stolen two. He blamed it on the alcohol, but really he just couldn’t help himself.

Remus tucked his head into the crook of Sirius’ shoulder and kissed him back lightly on the neck. Sirius beamed because he knew that Remus couldn’t see him.

Despite the fact that tomorrow Sirius would have to return back home and face his parents once more, Sirius fell asleep almost instantly. He assumed it was due to the fact that Remus was tucked against him, and the alcohol he had consumed that night was starting to creep into his brain, flooding him with a feeling that was warm and dizzying.

A dreamless sleep washed him out to sea, and he didn’t strike land until the next morning when he woke up to light flooding through his eyes and a sound asleep Remus still laying next to him.

Sirius smiled softly. 


	15. Chapter 15

They didn’t end up talking in the morning, and not for lack of trying. It may have been Sirius’ idea to talk then, but it was also Sirius (and James) who had waited until last minute to pack for winter holiday.

James and Sirius bustled around the room, tossing things into their bags so randomly that Remus wondered if they were even looking at what they were packing.

Remus was sitting cross-legged on his bed, his head resting in his propped up hand. After five minutes of watching the two boys practically dancing around each other, he stood up, heading toward the door.

“Where you goin’ Moony?” Peter asked from where he sat at a chair, his feet kicked up on the desk.

“Prefect duties. I’m supposed to check in with everyone, and make sure students are ready to leave on time for the train.”

Remus watched as Sirius shot his head up. His hair had grown out to his chin by now since it was cut, and it was falling into his eyes a bit from the quick movement. Remus shrugged at him, knowing that there might not be a time they could talk alone now.

James’ mouth dropped open at the news. “But Moooons! You can’t leave. This is the last time that we’re going to be together for two whole weeks!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Stop being so dramatic; we’ll have the whole train ride back together.”

“I can’t believe you would betray us like this,” James pouted.

“It’s you and Sirius’ fault for waiting until the morning _we leave_ to pack your stuff.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Sirius chimed in. “We _always_ wait until the morning we leave. You should know that by now.”

“So what, you just want me to skip out on my duties as a prefect, so I can sit here and watch you ransack our room in an attempt to pack?”

“Yes,” Sirius, Peter, and James answered in unison.

Remus sighed, muttering, “You people are unbearable,” as he turned to leave.

“We know you don’t mean that!” Sirius called after him.

His rounds were pretty uneventful except for the first year who got their foot magically attached to his bedpost and was wailing about how he would have to take his whole bed onto the train to get home. Remus had unattached his foot with the flick of his wrist, but then the boy hugged him around the neck so tightly in gratitude that Remus almost performed the spell again just to get him to let go.

He hurried back, hoping that he would be able to make it to the room in time before breakfast so that he could talk to Sirius quickly. Of course, the moment he stepped into the room, James excitedly tugged Remus back out, talking about some big goodbye prank he had planned that he needed Remus for.

Sirius and Peter followed, and Remus caught Sirius looking at him, his eyes impatient. The second that Remus’ wrist was released from James’ grip, Sirius circled his fingers around his other wrist, pulling him to his side. Just the small touch of Sirius’ fingers on his skin made Remus’ heart skip a beat.

“I don’t want to leave without talking to you,” Sirius whispered, keeping his eyes forward so as not to draw attention from Peter or James.

“I know, but I don’t know when we will get to. We leave right after breakfast,” Remus whispered back.

Sirius shook his head slightly like he himself could say no to the scheduled parting time. Remus risked a quick glance at him, and it was in that glance that Remus knew not to be nervous about whatever it was that Sirius wanted to say. Not like it mattered much; Sirius’ behavior last night sort of tipped him off that Sirius’ dramatic need to talk wasn’t bad news.

“Maybe we’ll be able to find a compartment on the train,” Sirius suggested quietly.

But they never did find a compartment on the train. In fact, there were no spaces to spare, and Lily and Amanda joined the Marauders in their compartment.

James was giving a very hyper retelling of the boys’ last minute prank to Lily and Amanda while Peter snorted loudly along with the story, despite the fact that he had been there for the prank. It was hard to laugh along with them, though, because now that they were actually on the train, Remus couldn’t stop worrying about Sirius.

He still couldn’t believe that Dumbledore hadn’t done anything to help Sirius. He hadn’t even talked to him. Remus chewed his lip nervously, hating that there didn’t seem to be anything he could do.

Remus glanced up slightly, trying to be inconspicuous about looking at Sirius. The worry must have been getting to Sirius because Remus noticed that whenever he laughed along with the others, it was short and clipped, unlike his usual loud laugh. He had his hands folded tightly together too, and his shoulders looked tense.

Remus wanted to do something. Anything. To put a hand on his arm, or brush his finger through his hair. He was sitting across from him, though, and he didn’t know if Sirius would want anyone knowing how nervous he was.

He opted for keeping his eyes on Sirius, hoping to draw his attention quietly. It didn’t take long for Sirius to feel the weight of Remus’ soft gaze, and Remus thought that his shoulders relaxed slightly when he looked at him.

They spent the rest of the trip like that, Remus staring into Sirius’ eyes, Sirius looking right back. Sirius’ eyes swirled with dark grays like wet cement that would never dry, and Remus felt himself falling into his heavy gaze. It was the only time that the thought of falling headfirst into something _didn’t_ scare him.

He wondered what Sirius was seeing reflected in his own eyes. He wondered if his affection for Sirius was there. It was that thought, the thought that his eyes might be revealing a love that he hadn’t even really revealed to himself yet, that _did_ scare him.

Slowly, like if he moved too fast, Remus might disappear, Sirius slid his foot across the floor of the compartment. At first Remus’ attention was too transfixed in Sirius’ molten gaze, too focused on the way that his eyes held the weight and color of melting metals, that he almost didn’t notice. When he did, he slid his foot forward too, his old tennis shoe with the hole in the toe, meeting Sirius’ black combat boot.

Remus watched as a small smile twitched on Sirius’ lips, his smirk pulling at his cheek. Remus bit his lip, trying to contain his own smile that tugged at his face.

Sirius lifted his foot, resting it softly on top of Remus’, and Remus wished so desperately that they were alone. The things he would say if he were alone. The things he would _do_ if they were alone.

He snapped back to reality when he remembered that they would not be together for two weeks, and not just that, but Sirius would be alone with his family for two weeks; alone in his giant cold house, his parents biting words ripping into him.

Remus’ eyes flicked back up to Sirius’ to see if he was thinking the same thing, but the smile was still pulling at his features, and his hair was falling lightly into his face. He wasn’t bothering to brush it aside. He was still looking at their feet.

When he did finally look up again, he smiled more when he saw that Remus had his eyes on him. Sirius licked his lips before mouthing the words, _I wish we were alone._

Remus tracked the movement of Sirius’ lips with his eyes, trying to ignore the way that his heart responded to the memory that popped into his mind of what Sirius’ mouth had felt like on his. _Me too,_ he mouthed back.

Sirius looked to his side, and Remus was surprised by how _physical_ their gaze had felt. Now that it was gone, Remus felt like he was missing an actual weight that had been on him. He assumed that Sirius was looking out the window, but he realized that he was actually checking to see if the others were as engaged with the conversation as they thought they were because when he looked back, Sirius slid a little bit forward on his seat, closer to Remus.

Remus slid forward too, but they still felt so far from each other even though Remus could now see the light silver flecks that were dancing in Sirius’ eyes. Their knees were close to bumping each other, and they kept checking over their shoulders to see if anyone was paying attention.

The other’s were all talking loudly over each other about what they were planning on doing over break, their eyes shining brightly. Remus smiled at the thought they weren’t paying any mind to the two boys in the corner slowly falling in love with each other. 

The ride ended way too soon, regardless of the fact that it had felt like an eternity that they had spent in that position, knees knocking on each other with each jolt of the train, feet gently tapping each other’s toes, eyes warming in each other’s gaze.

The actual stopping of the train must have sparked something in Sirius because suddenly the trance that they had been in vanished. He pulled back slightly, his eyes growing a cloudy gray like thunderstorms would take root in them any second. He clenched his hands together, wringing them out like he did when he was nervous.

Remus pulled back too, even though his whole body was screaming at him to reach out. The others were getting out of their seats excitedly, grabbing onto the things they had with them. A few others joined them as they passed down the hallways. James began dramatically fake crying into Frank’s shoulder, and Alice made some joke about where Frank’s loyalty’s laid, in which James responded that she didn’t have to worry because his whole heart was Lily’s, thus making Lily’s whole face turn red, causing Peter to burst in a fit of laughter. Marlene and Dorcas also joined them, peaking their heads in to say goodbye to Lily and Amanda.

Remus couldn’t focus on any of the bustle around him. He could only watch the way that Sirius’ face was paling, and how he tried to laugh and smile along with James and Frank. He could only watch as Sirius slowly fell apart in front of him.

“Remus, you coming?” Lily asked, drawing Remus’ head away from Sirius.

“Hmm? We can’t get off yet.”

“I know, prefects are supposed to make rounds,” Lily said, her voice sounding concerned. Remus usually didn’t forget things like this.

“Oh, right,” he mumbled, glancing back to Sirius.

His eyes looked full of panic, and his shoulders were back to being as tense as a statue. Sirius was looking at him, and he shook his head slightly, as if to say _don’t leave_. The look made Remus desperately want to skip out on his round, but Lily was already pulling his arm out the door and down the hall, and Remus kept his head craned watching Sirius until he couldn’t see him any longer.

Remus barely checked in with each of his assigned compartments. He mumbled instructions quickly to students about where to grab their luggage, in what order they were getting off the train, and what to do once they were on the platform.

Most of the students weren’t listening much, and most of the things that Remus was instructed to say were pointless since they were pretty self-explanatory. Remus made his way around students who were already getting off, trying to get back to the compartment that he had left.

He immediately noticed a small shift in the atmosphere, so little that he almost thought everything was normal. He glanced around, seeing that the shift was caused by James. Nobody else seemed to notice, but he wasn’t being nearly as loud as usual, and his eyes kept flicking over to the corner of the compartment to where Sirius was. James must have noticed Sirius’ nervousness. James was one of the most oblivious blokes that Remus had ever met, but he was close enough with Sirius that he could read his body language.

Sirius stepped closer to Remus when he entered, disguising it in a move to grab his bag, but once his bag was in his hand, he didn’t step away. The whole length of their arms were touching, and Remus stepped into the warmth that Sirius was radiating, pretending that he was making room for Frank and Alice to leave the compartment.

The last thing he remembered from the train before they all took to the halls and entered the bustling platform was craning his neck up to look at Sirius and seeing a cold empty gaze set in his eyes.

The platform was bustling with parents ready to pick up their kids and students all hugging goodbye to their friends. There were names being called from all directions, and the natural sounds of a train station swarmed his senses.

A hand on Remus’ arm caught him off guard as he was exiting the train, and he turned to find James. He was worrying his lip with his teeth, and he looked somewhat nervous about something.

“What’s wrong?” Remus asked.

“I’m worried about Sirius,” James said.

Remus wished he could have answered, but their were too many kids trying to get by, and he needed to get out of the way. He could only nod and quickly say, “Me too.”

Eventually, they found a corner that they could all stand in, saying their goodbyes. James and Remus exchanged worried glances, like they were trying to communicate with their eyes what they should do. Remus was desperate to speak with Sirius, but this whole day had felt like a whirlwind of there constantly being people around, and it was making his head spin.

Sirius looked even paler than he had on the train now, and he wasn’t even trying to keep up with the conversation happening around them anymore. People began parting ways, and Remus tried to smile at everyone, waving goodbye.

Lily was first to get dragged away. Remus heard her muttering, “Off to spend two weeks with my horrid sister,” as she weaved her way through the crowd to get to her parents.

Amanda was next, hugging Dorcas and Marlene tightly. She also moved to hug Remus, and he squeezed back, wishing her a happy holiday. Remus was surprised when she didn’t stop at him and turned to give Sirius a big hug. It was even more surprising when he hugged her back, his arms wrapping around her shoulders.

Remus made a mental note to ask Amanda what they talked about last night by the lake. All he knew was that suddenly they seemed like friends, and when Sirius had gotten back to their room, he had kissed Remus twice after weeks of ignoring him since Hogsmeade.

Their group dwindled until it was just the Marauders left standing. Sirius looked antsy, and Remus wondered if he knew he should have left to find whoever was picking him up by now. He must have been stalling.

James’ parents called his name loudly from across the floor, and Remus never ceased to smile at how similar James was to them. James smiled widely at his parents and gave them an excited wave, but as he was turning to leave, Remus caught a terrible look of guilt in James’ eyes.

Remus understood the look too well. They couldn’t really just let Sirius walk head first into the arms of his abusers. What kind of friends would they be then?

As James was brushing past him, Remus stopped him and quietly said, “I’ll make sure Sirius is okay.”

James nodded and gave Remus a look that said he trusted him.

The interaction was over in only a few second, but it felt like so much longer because of the shock that registered in Remus’ brain after he had said those words. He didn’t even know why he said them; they just came out. He didn’t know if he had been trying to comfort James or himself.

It felt like a promise.

“I should go find Alastair,” Sirius muttered to him and Peter, his voice sounding quiet in the crowd.

So that was who was picking Sirius up. Alastair was sort of like the Black family butler, but with a larger job description and less chores due to all of their house elves. Remus didn’t think that Sirius minded Alastair much. He never seemed to say anything bad about him.

“I should head out too. See you two after break,” Peter said, leaving so that it was finally just Remus and Sirius.

“Sorry we didn’t get to talk,” Remus said, attempting a smile.

Sirius looked down at Remus sadly, his eyes raking over Remus’ face like he was taking it in one last time. He was acting like he was never going to see Remus again.

“I’ll try to write to you, but I don’t know if I will be able to,” Sirius said.

Remus nodded.

There was a long pause where they were both just looking at each other.

“Okay,” Sirius finally said. “See you after holiday.” For some reason, Remus thought that his words implied that Sirius would be different after holiday.

Remus felt heavy, like his heart had turned to iron and was too heavy for him to even lift his feet. He watched as Sirius took his first step to leave, but he grabbed onto Sirius’ arm, knowing that he had to at least try to uphold what he had told James. Even if he knew already what Sirius was going to say.

“Sirius, wait.”

Remus trailed his hand down from where it was holding onto Sirius’ arm so that it was holding on loosely to his wrist. Sirius watched its progress, staring at the spot where Remus’ hand was wrapped around him.

“Stay with me over holiday,” Remus said, his voice sounding desperate.

“Remus, I can’t—”

“Yes, you can. We have a spare mattress you can borrow, and my parents would be happy to have you. They loved you and James that summer you came over. You can just tell Alastair that a friend invited you last minute.”

Suddenly Remus wished he was as good at reading facial expressions as Sirius was. He searched Sirius’ eyes, but they just looked gray, and he tried to catch something on the set of his face, but Sirius was as good at holding in his emotions as he was at reading everybody else’s.

“My parents would kill me,” Sirius started.

“Their going to kill you either way.”

Remus looked around, but nobody seemed to be watching the two boys in the corner of the platform. He looked into Sirius’ eyes, trying to make his own eyes look as pleading as possible. He checked one last time just to make sure and slowly lowered his hand into Sirius’, rubbing his thumb down the side of it. He grabbed onto Sirius’ arm with his other hand, like he could keep him there with him if he just held on tight enough.

“Please, Sirius,” he whispered.

Sirius’ eyes moved back and forth as he looked down at Remus. The hand that Remus had been tracing with his thumb had moved so that Sirius’ fingertips were brushing lightly on Remus’ hip.

He may have been good at concealing his emotions, but Remus saw the want there. He saw the desperate look that was filling his face as he looked down at Remus. He felt the way Sirius’ fingers tightened on Remus’ hip at his words. _Please,_ he had begged.

Remus’ heart began to feel lighter, and he let himself breathe a little more at the shift that was taking place in Sirius’ face. He was going to say yes. Remus knew that now. There was no way he could resist Remus’ offer, and go to be with his family. Remus smiled softly at him.

“I’m sorry Moony,” Sirius sighed. “I just can’t.”

It was as if a canon had exploded against Remus’ chest, knocking out all the air that he had in his lungs. He felt his hands tightening on Sirius, even as Sirius was pulling away from him. Remus was still reaching his hands out to hold on when Sirius’ back was turned on him, and he was disappearing into the crowd.

He felt frozen, his head racing, his heart pounding heavy in his chest. His eyes didn’t drop from Sirius’ dark figure, weaving its way past people, and his eyes didn’t drop when Sirius suddenly stopped in his tracks, not moving to turn around.

 _Come back Sirius,_ Remus thought. _Please come back._

Sirius came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to write this chapter where it switches to Sirius’ perspective after that ending line, but it got WAY too long, so I finally just split it here to get at least something posted. Sorry if the next chapter takes a bit longer to post despite the fact that I’ve already written so much of it, but on the bright side, long chapter to come! (Also sorry this chapter was poorly written. I’ve been writing at like two in the morning every night oof)


	16. Chapter 16

Sirius felt his entire body crackling with the electricity of the decision that he had just made. He strode back towards Remus quickly, barely feeling his feet hit the ground as he took each step. He was wild with the thought that he wouldn’t go through with it, and he took Remus’ hand, pulling him back the direction he had left.

“Hurry before I change my mind,” Sirius urged, trying to stomp down the fear that he could hear in his voice.

Remus picked up his pace, unsure of where Sirius was taking them. Their hands felt like two links in a chain, a cold weight clasping onto each other tightly as Sirius brought them to the back of the platform. They spotted Alastair standing with rigid posture, his dark crisp suit standing out from the clothes those around him were wearing. Regulus was standing next to him, looking impatient.

“Wait here, I don’t want him to know who I’m going with,” Sirius voiced, dropping Remus’ hand quickly.

Alastair turned to leave once he spotted Sirius, not caring about greetings. Sirius probably knew he was worried about being late since he had taken so long talking with his friends. He could feel Regulus’ cold glare from Alastair’s side.

Sirius didn’t follow behind Alastair, though, who quickly noticed and spun around.

“Mr. Black, are you coming? You’re parents will be wondering where you are,” Alastair said, pulling out some floo powder.

“Actually, I was just invited to spend holiday with a mate of mine, and I thought it rude to decline,” Sirius stated, pulling out his posh Black family accent that he used when his parents had dinner guests over, and he needed to sound put together.

Alastair’s face shifted, his eyebrow furrowing into his dark eyes. “Sir,” Alastair started, knowing the implications of Sirius skipping out this particular holiday.

“You can’t leave,” Reggie sneered, his lip pulling up just as much on his face as Alastair’s eyebrows were furrowing.

“The decision’s been made. I just wanted to tell you so that you two could leave.”

“I would advise that you rethink this,” Alastair worded carefully.

“I’ve thought about it plenty,” Sirius lied, “and I don’t think that my presence will be needed these next couple weeks.”

His voice was strong, never faltering, despite the fact that his hands were shaking where they sat clenched at his side, and he could feel sweat dripping down the back of his neck.

Regulus’ mouth was dropped open, and Alastair was standing even stiffer than he usually did. They both looked like they were going to say something, and Sirius couldn’t bear to hear whatever it was.

Regulus’ cold sneer seemed to falter, and his face fell a bit, his eyes growing warm like they did when they were kids. Sirius hurdled back to a time when Regulus would climb into his bed in the middle of the night, worried about Sirius and their parents.

“Sirius, you can’t,” Reggie said.

It was those words that broke Sirius, and it was those words that helped Sirius to know exactly what he couldn’t do.

“I’m sorry, Reg. You’re right, I can’t.”

He turned swiftly back, finding Remus where he left him.

“You sure your parents won’t mind?” Sirius asked nervously, ignoring the concerned look that Remus gave him.

“Positive,” Remus assured, leading Sirius out into the muggle station, and then into the parking lot. They blinked against the harsh light of the sun, and Sirius noted Remus tucking his face closer to his jacket to keep out the cold. “Look for a red pickup truck,” Remus instructed, scanning the lot.

Thankfully, Remus either didn’t notice or didn’t mention that Sirius’ hands were trembling, and his steps had grown to a stumbling walk not matching his usual confident stride.

“There,” Sirius said, dropping Remus’ hand to point out the truck.

A man that Sirius fairly remembered as Remus’ dad stood stiffly, waiting for Remus to come to them. As the two made their way over, a woman bundled in a huge heavy coat climbed out of the passenger seat.

“Remus!” Mrs Lupin said, tackling him in a bear hug.

“Hey, Mum. Missed you,” Remus chuckled, tucking his face against her neck.

“Hey,” his dad added, patting him on the shoulder.

“So, you guys remember Sirius right?” Remus started, motioning towards Sirius who was awkwardly standing next to them.

“Of course we do!” Mrs Lupin said, leaning forward to hug Sirius. “How are you, Sirius?”

“Doing good, Mrs Lupin,” Sirius responded, pulling away stiffly from the hug.

“Psh,” she scoffed. “Just call me Hope like the last time you visited.” Sirius didn’t remember calling her Hope the last time he visited.

He nodded anyways, and tried to find a smile somewhere to plaster stiffly on his face, He didn’t find one.

All that he could focus on was the image of Regulus’ shocked face as Sirius turned to leave. Reggie wouldn’t understand this choice. He was too far under their parent’s spell to understand, and that thought made Sirius’ stomach squirm.

“I was wondering if Sirius could stay with us over holiday,” Sirius heard Remus inquire over his loud thoughts. It sounded like he already knew the answer.

“Of course he can!” Mrs Lupin replied, her face beaming. “We’ve told you that you’re always welcome to have friends over.”

Sirius glanced at Remus’ dad who was leaning against the pickup truck, his leg propped up on the tire, his arms folded uncomfortably over his chest. He didn’t say much, and Sirius remembered faintly that attribute about him from when he had visited Remus’ farm a couple summers ago. Remus and his mother didn’t wait for Mr Lupin’s permission, and the weight of Remus’ cold hand softly tugged him into the back seat of the truck. Sirius and Remus’ knees uncomfortably hit the seats in front of them, but Remus didn’t seem bothered by it, so Sirius didn’t mention it.

It was hard to remember the last time he had been in a Muggle vehicle. If his parents saw him now, buckling himself into the backseat of this rusted red truck, they would probably disown him on sight. Sirius didn’t know if he really minded the thought of that, and the notion made his stomach feel sick before they had even started moving. Not like it mattered now. He had already made that decision for them.

The drive back could only be described as _loud_ , and it wasn’t for any of the reasons that one would think. Yes, Remus and his mother chatted consistently about school and life since they had been apart, his father adding in the occasional short comment. Yes, on top of the chatter, the sound of the old truck rumbled beneath his seat; the engine a constant hum in the background and the wind against the doors a noisy pull of sound. No, that was not why it was so loud.

In fact, Sirius had tuned out the constant sound of all of that only moments after they had pulled out of the parking lot. The loudness that consumed him had everything to do with himself. He could hear his heart pounding deep in his chest, burbling up against his throat like it was trying to escape. He could hear his shaky breath blowing against the window that he had his forehead leaned against despite the fact that he bumped his head every time the truck jolted.

He could hear his thoughts screaming at him, a constant buzzing of octaves, a consistent blur of words jumping back and forth in his mind. They swirled around and around until they were so loud that he could no longer hear his heartbeat or his breath. He wondered if they had ever been there at all in the first place. It felt very wrong for Sirius to be here breathing, his heart beating constantly.

Not when he knew what his parents would do the next time he saw them because of this. Not when he could still see Regulus shocked face in his vision. Reggie’s words, _you can’t leave,_ echoed around in his head.

Sirius’ mind flashed back to a memory that had been haunting his mind for the past couple months. He was standing in his living room, but one could hardly call it that. Cold black drapes hung extravagantly from the windows, keeping the light hidden outside. The walls were decorated strictly with pricey portraits and artifacts, lacking in anything of substance. No family photos, no trinkets gathered on holidays together. Everything was lavishly ornate with greens and golds that made Sirius want to gag just visualizing it.

His mother was arguing with him, her cold posh voice ringing in his ears. His father was standing to the side, his wand tucked in his hand as he watched the situation unfold. Sirius stood in the center of the room, tears streaming down his face.

 _I can’t._ He was saying. _Don’t make me do it._

Sirius knew now that Regulus had been on the other side of the wall, eavesdropping, like he had thought. He wouldn’t have given Sirius that shocked, almost hurt look if he hadn’t been. 

Sirius was drawn out of the memory when the truck hit another bump, and his head hit against the window again. He was drawn further from the moment when he heard his name being said.

“How has school been for you, Sirius?” Mrs Lupin asked from the passenger seat of the truck.

“Good,” Sirius answered, trying not to think about the way that Remus was watching him like he could break any moment. Maybe he would break any moment.

“That’s good,” Mrs Lupin responded. “What’s your favorite class? Remey’s is—”

“Defense Against the Dark Arts,” Sirius answered for her, almost laughing at the notion that he wouldn’t know what Moony’s favorite class was.

“Yeah, that’s right. I can’t even believe the things you two do at school. All I ever did when I was your age was my multiplication tables and dissecting poetry, while my son is over here casting spells for God’s sake.”

Sirius laughed slightly, liking the way Remus’ mother’s welsh accent matched Moony’s when he was ranting or tired. Except hers was very lively and constant.

Eventually, Mr Lupin pulled off onto a road that turned into a dirt path. Sirius clutched the bottom of his seat as it bumped up and down rapidly. He didn’t know how Muggles traveled like this everywhere. He glanced over to see Remus looking at him.

 _You okay?_ he mouthed.

Sirius nodded, but he might have given away his answer when he swallowed tightly and clutched his seat again. Remus probably assumed it was just motion sickness, which was partly true, but another part of him was still panicking about the pure fact that he was sitting here instead of at his house.

A soft weight pressed over Sirius’ foot, and he looked down to see Remus’ old sneaker resting on his foot like Sirius had done to Remus earlier.

He glanced back up and instantly regretted it because there were those hypnotizing golden eyes, swimming with honey and specks of what Sirius could only describe as the sunlight trapped in the irises of his eyes. There were Remus’ open and warm eyes, the ones that convinced him to come back with him, the ones that convinced him to leave his family for good, the ones that Sirius had spent years searching, waiting for the day that they would start searching back.

He felt the overwhelming need to fall into Remus’ arms and be held. To bury his face into Remus’ soft hair and smell that scent of chocolate and spices that were just so _Remus._

Sirius glanced up to peak at the mirror dangling above the windshield, and then at Remus’ parents. Mrs Lupin had her head resting gently against her seat; she looked asleep. Mr Lupin had his eye’s fixed sternly on the road.

Sirius reached across the small space between them, taking hold of Remus’ slender hand. He couldn’t believe that something so soft and perfect could possibly warp into the claw of a werewolf each month. Remus took his hand back, squeezing gently. _My werewolf,_ Sirius thought.

Remus fell asleep, his head falling against the window. Sirius watched him for a little while, tracing the lines of his shoulders with his eyes, and observing the way his brown hair waved at the top and into his face. Every time the sun hit the top of his head through the window, Sirius could see where Remus had bits of gold in his hair.

When the truck came to a slow stop, Sirius gently slipped his hand out of Remus’ and glanced up through the the windows. The truck was pulled off of the road into some brush. There wasn’t any more dirt path in front of them, and there were trees on all sides of the vehicle.

The last time he had gone to Remus’ house, he had used the floo network from his own house, so he didn’t know exactly how they were going to get to Wales. He had assumed they would take a Muggle airplane, which had been sort of a scary thought for him. Remus had told Sirius about how weird his dad was about magic even though he was a wizard.

“We’re here,” Mr Lupin said, gently waking his wife up.

Sirius did the same to Remus, placing a hand on his arm to shake him. Remus opened one of his eyes sleepily and combed his fingers through his hair.

They all climbed out of the truck, and Mr Lupin grabbed Remus and Sirius’ things out of the back, passing them over. Remus still looked sleepy, his eyes traveling absently around him, and his feet swayed a second from a head rush.

Sirius reached his hand out to steady Remus, but he was reluctant to pull away.

“We’re going with a port key, if you were confused,” Remus explained, rubbing his eyes.

Sirius only had the energy to nod.

“Here it is,” Mr Lupin called from somewhere ahead of them.

Remus started to follow his mother to somewhere ahead of the truck, and Sirius tugged on the sleeve of his coat to stop him.

“Just going to leave the truck here?” he asked.

Remus shrugged. “We have another one at home, and this one’s garbage. We only use it when Mum and Dad are picking me up.”

“Why don’t you just shrink it, and take it with, or something?”

Remus leaned in closer to Sirius, keeping his voice quiet. “We don’t really use unnecessary magic much. My dad’s kind of weird about it.”

“We’re about to use a port key?” Sirius replied.

Remus let out a small laugh, his light eyelashes fluttering closed, and his head shaking a little. “Yeah, the port key and the season charm are like the only exceptions.” Remus shrugged like he didn’t really understand it himself.

“The season charm?”

“You’ll see.”

Remus pulled Sirius to where his parents were already waiting for them, standing next to an old worn tire.

“Hold on to each other tight,” Mrs Lupin said.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Sirius whispered quietly enough that only Remus could hear, close to his ear, and he wrapped his arm around his waist.

Maybe he imagined it, or maybe it was just the cold, but right as they put their hands on the port key, and right before they spun away out of reality, Sirius thought he felt Remus shiver against him.

They landed pretty well. Remus stumbled a little, but Sirius’ arm around his waist steadied him a bit.

It took him longer than it should have to realize that suddenly he was unbearably hot. His mind worked at a much slower pace when there was a disheveled and very handsome werewolf in his arms, hands on his shoulders.

He turned towards the gleam of the sun, and squinted at what he saw. Mr and Mrs Lupin had already shed their coats and mittens, tossing them haphazardly into the back of the truck Remus must have been talking about. Underneath his feet where there used to be a thin layer of snow, was bright green grass growing from dusty brown dirt.

Remus’ farm stretched out in front of him, looking unfamiliar. He didn’t like to admit that the one time he had actually been able to join Peter and James on their many trips to the Lupin farm, he had been so worried about what would happen if his parents came home and noticed that he was missing along with a bit of floo powder, that he hadn’t really been able to enjoy or remember the day much.

The sky was a bright blue color, and a brightly colored butterfly flew past his face. Ahead of him, there was a yellowish dirt path between the grass that lead up to a white wooden house with a brown porch protruding from the front, covered by the shade of the roof. In the distance, a wooden swing swayed softly in the hot breeze of the [summer?] air.

The sound of a door slamming shut startled Sirius out of his shocked gaze. The door to Remus’ house swung open again, and Mrs Lupin popped out to prop it against a large rock that sat on their porch.

“We have got to fix this door,” she muttered to Mr Lupin as he walked in.

They both disappeared inside of the house, and Sirius turned back towards the rolling fields of wheat, green grass, and lively trees.

“Season charm,” Remus said smirking, his eyes looking over the farm in a way that Sirius had never looked at his house.

Remus looked at it like it was home.

“This is incredible,” Sirius breathed out. He had never seen magic like this before. He had never seen it stretching out so far. “How—” Sirius’ gaze turned to fix on Remus’s face.

It was lit by the glowing light of the evening sun, and his golden eyes looked like they were on fire, shining warm and bright. An orange glow was washing over Remus’ cheekbones, making his freckles so much clearer under this light. Sirius never wanted to look away.

“It’s mostly my dad,” Remus shrugged, his eyes scanning across the land. “I’ll show you more later.”

Sirius didn’t exactly know what Remus would show him more of later. The farm? But, he knew that he wasn’t about to object to it. Remus turned back towards Sirius, and it was then that he realized how close they were still standing to each other. They had never backed away when the port key had landed them.

“Are you going to take this off,” Remus mumbled, his hand tugging at his arm.

“What?” Sirius asked, his brain freezing for a second.

Remus took a step back, his face turning a dark shade of red that seemed even deeper under the soft light of the sun. “I mean, your coat. It’s,” Remus stuttered, “it’s hot out.”

“Right. Yes,” Sirius said quickly, looking down at the coat that he still had zipped up to his chin.

At some point Remus had already taken his off, revealing a gray sweater underneath. The sleeves were rolled up, exposing his ivory forearms and a vein that stretched up from his wrist. Sirius had a black t-shirt on underneath his coat.

“Hey, how are—” Remus was interrupted by his mother calling out to them through the open door.

“Come on in boys, I mostly prepared dinner before we left so it would be ready!”

Remus craned his neck over his shoulder to call back, “Okay, coming!” He turned back around to face Sirius, his face full of worry and sincerity.

Sirius knew what he was going to ask, and he wasn’t ready to respond. He wasn’t ready to tell Remus that it was hard to even be standing here despite how _good_ it felt. He just wanted to let himself relax. Let himself breathe in the air of Remus’ home, and watch the white clouds jogging across the track that was the blue sky. But, every time he sucked in a breath, he only heard his mother’s sharp voice snapping, _Either you come home, and you cooperate, or you don’t come home at all._

He sighed out loud, making Remus’ eyes crinkle in worry. Before Remus could ask Sirius about anything, Sirius pointed his eyes towards the small house, titling his head a bit for emphasis.

“We should go. Your mum was calling us.”

Remus opened his mouth to object, but he snapped it closed again, unable to say whatever words that he had been planning on. Instead, he nodded and turned around, letting Sirius follow him up the path and into the house.

The floorboards of Remus’ house creaked, and light flooded in from a large kitchen window, lighting up the rooms in a way that Sirius’ manor had never been lit. The windows had flowy white curtains on them that blew in gently with the breeze, and the house smelled like something sweet that he couldn’t place.

Remus led Sirius in through a little sitting area to the kitchen. He started rustling through cabinets and pulling out plates to set out on the little wooden table in the corner of the room.

“Sirius, honey, if you don’t remember, Remus’ room is around that corner if you want to drop your things off. We’ll pull in the spare mattress for you later,” Mrs Lupin said, pointing at a hallway that sprang off of the kitchen.

Sirius nodded limply in response and made his way slowly down the dark hall. The wooden walls had Muggle photographs hanging in picture frames all the way down the hall. He stepped closer to see some of young Remus, his ears too big for his face, and his gangly limbs too long for his small body. He smiled at a picture of a tiny Remus slung over his dad’s shoulders, a radiant smile on his scar-free face.

Sirius continued down the small hall, noticing only two doors. One had a tiny bathroom in it, so Sirius turned the handle of the other room. Sirius didn’t really remember Remus’ room much. The last time he had come, the boys had spent most of the time down by a lake.

The room was everything that Sirius would have thought that Remus’ room would look like. There was a small bed pushed into the corner of the room with a big window, letting in light like the kitchen. Above the bed, there was a brown shelf that had potted plants and books placed neatly there. An organized desk sat by the door, with photographs and clipping hanging on a tac board above it. Sirius rolled his eyes at the sight of Remus’ overflowing bookshelf, which was the only thing that wasn’t perfectly tidy in the room.

Sirius dropped his bags on the floors and took a step closer to see the pictures. These ones were a mixture of magic and Muggle pictures. One of them made Sirius smile brightly at the memory. Lily had taken the photo of them one weekend out on the quidditch field.

James and Sirius had convinced Peter and Remus to go out flying with them. Peter liked flying, but not with James and Sirius because he said they went to fast and always left him. Remus didn’t have a broom, but they tricked him into coming out by saying he could just watch.

In the picture, James was laughing and leaning over to wrap his arm around Peter, who laughed and tried to steady himself on his broom. Sirius had his arms wrapped around Remus’ waist behind him on his broom, a genuine smile on his face, so big that Sirius couldn’t believe he had ever been that happy. Sirius watched as his younger self pulled Moony closer to him with an over enthusiastic hug, and the image made a single tear fall down his face.

Remus had his hands clasped tightly on the broomstick, looking nervously at the ground, but when Sirius pulled him into the hug, Remus smiled softly, and looked down, doing that thing where he tried to hide the blush on his face even though Sirius couldn’t see his expression.

“You found my pictures,” Remus said, leaning against the doorframe.

“I never got this one,” Sirius responded, pointing to the photo he had been looking at.

Remus stepped into the room, coming right next to Sirius to lean in and see where he was pointing. “I asked Lily to print it for me.”

“We look so young,” Sirius said.

“It was only a few years ago.”

Sirius couldn’t stop watching himself pulling Remus against his chest. He looked like a happy puppy dog, and he hadn’t even been an animagus at the time.

“What made you want this one?” Sirius asked, remembering how many pictures Lily had taken that night.

Remus shrugged, his shoulder bumping against Sirius’. “I just wanted to remember that moment.”

Sirius turned his head slowly, eyes searching Remus’ face. “I was already in love with you in that photo,” he whispered, feeling himself leaning in closer to Remus.

Remus let out a shaky breath and dipped his head a bit. “So, what have you been trying so hard to tell me today?” he asked, probably trying to change the subject.

Sirius rolled his eyes because he knew Remus couldn’t see him. His hand found Remus’ face, and he slid his fingers down his soft cheek, landing on his chin. Tilting Remus’ head upwards so that they could look at each other, Sirius whispered, “I don’t really feel like talking anymore.”

Remus only hesitated a second before capturing Sirius’ face with his hand and pulling him in the last few inches between them.

Sirius’ lips fit perfectly with Remus’, and he felt himself pushing closer, stepping around Remus without breaking their kiss so that he could press him against the desk. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck, and pushed back so that he was sitting on the desk, his legs resting on either side of Sirius.

Remus’ fingers found Sirius’ hair, and he tugged gently in a way that made Sirius release a soft breath against Remus’ lips. He stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Remus’ waist so that he could pull him closer to the desk’s edge and nearer to him. His hands dropped down so that they were resting on top of Remus’ thighs at his side, and Remus’ arms tugged him closer against him.

For the first time that day, it was quiet. With every kiss, Sirius pulled further out of his mind, away from the loudness of his thoughts. Finally, there was no worry, no voices yelling at him in his head, no panic. There was only Remus holding onto Sirius as tightly as Sirius was holding onto him. Sirius couldn’t get enough of it.

“What are we doing?” Remus whispered, contradicting his words as he tightened his grip in Sirius’ hair, and deepened their kiss.

“What were you going to say to me that day at the Three Broomsticks?” Sirius asked, his voice low and raspy. He pulled away to feather his lips down Remus’ throat, scraping his teeth gently on his Adam’s apple.

Remus tugged at Sirius’ hair again as Sirius kissed along his chin.

“I was going to tell you, _yes_ ,” Remus exhaled the last word as Sirius pressed his lips hard against his throat.

“Yes?” Sirius hummed, moving one of his hands from Remus’ thigh to trail up his chest. Even through the fabric of Remus’ sweater, Sirius could feel the way that his chest was heaving with every shaky breath. He could feel the sharp bones and muscle that made up his stomach, and he couldn’t get enough.

“Yes to what you told me that day in our room. Yes to being with you. Yes to,” Remus’ breath hitched as Sirius found his lips again. Sirius never found out what else Remus would have said yes to because his mouth began to desperately push at Remus’, his hands pulling Remus flush against him.

Remus pulled away to speak, and Sirius, not bearing to be away from Remus’ skin for even a second, kissed along his cheek, sucking softly at the skin under Remus’ chin.

“And then you brushed me off, and I thought you had changed your mind. That you didn’t want me anymore, so I tried not to want you anymore, but it didn’t work.”

“Remus,” Sirius breathed against his skin. “I will _always_ want you.”

Sirius felt Remus shudder against him, and he pressed his forehead against Remus’, his fingers trailing down Remus’ side.

“Then why,” Remus started, but Sirius already knew where he was going.

“I pushed you away because I thought you wanted to tell me no. I thought you were getting together with Amanda.”

“Amanda?” Remus asked, pulling back from Sirius’ arms to look at him.

“Yeah I know,” Sirius said, trying to get Remus to come back by lightly pulling on his waist. “I know how dumb that was now, but at the time, that was all I could think about, and I couldn’t bear to hear you tell me that.”

Suddenly Remus laughed, and Sirius couldn’t help but pull away, trying to search his eyes. “What?” he asked, trying not to smile purely from looking at Remus.

“Just, we’ve been so stupid. I mean, imagine how much time we’ve wasted,” Remus muttered, pulling Sirius back in for a kiss.

“I’m not going to waste any more time now,” Sirius whispered against Remus’ lips.

Their kisses turned soft and moved in an almost teasing way. Remus smiled against Sirius’ mouth, which made Sirius smile until they were both holding each other, kissing and smiling against each other. Remus sighed and planted a kiss to the side of Sirius’ mouth before pulling away.

“My mum’s coming,” he whispered. “Dinner’s ready.”

“Thank God for werewolf hearing,” Sirius muttered, stealing one last kiss from Remus before pulling back, running a hand through his messy hair.

Remus hopped down from the desk and did the same thing, fixing his sweater and trying to straighten out his hair. The two boys turned towards the door, masking their expressions at Mrs Lupin’s entrance.

“Dinner’s ready,” she said, peaking her head through the door.

“Okay, coming,” Remus replied, his voice sounding a bit breathless despite his efforts to sound normal.

As they walked down the hallway back to the kitchen, Sirius brushed his fingers down Remus’ arm before they got into the kitchen. He didn’t know how he was going to sit through an entire dinner with Remus next to him, knowing that he wanted him too. That he could touch and kiss, and it was okay.

Remus stopped, Sirius’ fingers still on his arm. It looked like he had a moment of hesitation, but then he was wrapping both of his arms around Sirius’ neck, and he pulled Sirius back quickly so that he was in front of Remus, whose back was against the wall. When Remus kissed Sirius, there was a couple seconds that Sirius was so shocked that he could do something like this with Remus that he stood frozen, but when he came to, Sirius obliged happily.

His hands fell to Remus’ hips, and he shifted so that they were pressed closer together, kissing into Remus’ mouth and running his tongue along Remus’ lip. Sirius felt heat burning his skin as he heard Remus cut off a sound deep in his throat to stay quiet.

It was over much too quickly. Remus pulled away, turning to leave. Sirius put his hands up against the wall, trapping Remus between them, and he pouted jokingly, not expecting Remus to respond with one word that would have him sitting on the edge of his seat impatiently all through dinner.

“Later,” Remus whispered, smirking, just before he ducked under Sirius’ arm and dragged Sirius along with him.

The kitchen smelled really good, a mixture of the food wafting through the room and the fresh air that was coming in through the open window. Remus helped his mother set out the last of the dishes onto the table, but she turned down Sirius’ help, so he stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. Mr Lupin sat down, so Sirius joined him, but that didn’t really change much because then he was just sitting awkwardly at the table. He only relaxed a bit once Remus finally joined him, pulling in a chair from the living room.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, motioning towards the chair.

“Oh don’t worry about it!” Mrs Lupin reassured, joining them. “We’re happy to have an excuse to bring in extra chairs.”

Sirius forced himself to smile at her. He had been off all day, and he felt bad that he couldn’t show his gratitude more towards her, but now that he wasn’t alone with Remus, everything seemed to be rushing back to him like it always did, except now, there was so much more to come rushing back.

Everyone grabbed whatever they wanted from the table, and Remus didn’t wait for his parents to take a bite before scooping a spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. It felt so much like Hogwarts in the Great Hall except, for some reason, he was feeling extremely awkward. It was easy to act like his normal self at school, but he thought that maybe being in an actual home setting like this was throwing him off.

“So, has the four wheeler been fixed yet?” Remus asked his parents as he put green beans and corn onto Sirius’ plate for him.

If Sirius was Remus, he would have blushed, but instead he just picked up his fork and twiddled it a bit in his hand before taking a bite.

“I had the Johnsons come take a look at it, and I bought a few parts, but we haven’t taken it on a test drive yet. Maybe you and Sirius can go out for a spin while you’re here,” Mr Lupin said as he cut off a piece of ham from a dish in the middle.

“Yeah, okay,” Remus responded. “You’ll like the four wheeler,” he added, turning towards Sirius.

Sirius stopped the bite he was about to take and looked up at Remus, noticing that everyone was looking at him. “Umm, what’s a four wheeler again?”

Mr Lupin rose an eyebrow at Sirius, which made him feel worse since he was the only one other than Sirius who had grown up in an all wizard in family. Usually Sirius didn’t feel weird about not knowing Muggle things because James wouldn’t know either, and when it was just Remus and Peter, they would explain it like it was no problem.

“Oh, it’s a Muggle vehicle. It’s fun; I’ll show you later,” Remus said casually.

Mr Lupin was still eyeing Sirius, and Sirius tried to pretend that he didn’t notice Mrs Lupin flinch a bit when Remus said Muggle.

“Right, okay,” Sirius responded, his eyes downcast.

“So, Sirius, tell us about yourself,” Mr Lupin said, breaking the tension.

Sirius sat up straighter, and looked Mr. Lupin in the eye the way his parents had drilled him into doing when he was younger. “What do you want to know?”

“Tell us about your family. We met James’ parents briefly at the train station a few times,” Mr Lupin said.

It was implied that he was pointing out the fact that he had never spoken to Sirius’ parents at the train station. Sirius saw Remus tense a bit next to him.

“Well, I have a younger brother, Regulus,” Sirius started, feeling like that was probably the safest option than starting with his parents.

“That’s nice,” Mrs Lupin exclaimed. “I know Remus would have always liked to have a younger sibling.

Sirius turned to Remus with a bit of shock in his eyes. He hadn’t known that about him, but he realized that it made sense. Remus laughed it off.

“Yeah, siblings are great,” Sirius commented, trying to push the image of Reggie’s appalled expression at the train station.

“What’s your brother like?” Mrs Lupin asked at the same time that Mr Lupin said, “Tell us about your parents.”

Sirius couldn’t even answer either question before Remus interjected with a hushed, “Dad.”

Mr Lupin looked up, and Sirius could now see the expression in his face was one of someone feigning innocence. Sirius was pretty good at reading people, but he was especially good at reading Remus, and Mr Lupin shared many of the same mannerisms as Remus. Sirius felt like he was missing something.

“Um, my brother is like me, but smarter and more responsible, so maybe he isn’t really like me,” Sirius joked, trying to ease the tension. Mrs Lupin laughed lightly. Mr Lupin narrowed his eyes. “And my parents travel a lot and have many responsibilities, so I don’t see them often.” Sirius said, not really lying.

“That’s too bad. We’re probably the opposite over here. Don’t get out nearly enough. I’m sure Remus is sick of us,” Mrs Lupin noted.

“That’s not true. I could never get sick of you, Mum,” Remus reassured.

“What responsibilities do your parents have?” Mr Lupin questioned, breaking the soft moment.

“Umm,” Sirius started.

“What’s with the interrogation?” Remus asked, somehow managing to still sound like his gentle self even with the harsh words. Maybe Sirius was a bit biased.

Sirius would have said that it was fine, but he did want to avoid the questions about his parents, so he watched to see what would happen.

“Just trying to learn more about your friend,” Mr Lupin muttered, stuffing some mashed potatoes into his mouth.

Sirius sat stiffly in his seat, twirling around a piece of food on his fork.

“Oh! You know what? I just remembered I forgot to put out the raspberries. Freshly picked too,” Mrs Lupin exclaimed, jumping from her seat.

“Actually, Mum, don’t worry about it. I was just going to excuse myself,” Remus said, already standing up.

“Honey, you don’t have t—”

“Thanks for dinner,” he mumbled.

Sirius scrambled out of his seat to follow him, stopping to thank Mrs Lupin also. She smiled weakly at him.

Remus was already halfway onto the path outside the house when Sirius opened the door. He climbed up a grassy hill, his hair flying in the breeze, and Sirius hurried to catch up with him.

“What was that about?” he asked, grabbing Remus’ arm gently to stop him from moving so quickly.

For only a moment, Remus faltered before finally coming to a halt and dropping onto his back in the tall grass below them. They had made it to the side of the hill facing away from the house, and Sirius watched Remus for a second before dropping down to join him. Even if Remus’ parents came out, they wouldn’t be able to see them laying together from the way the hill covered them. Remus had his arm over his face, covering his eyes.

The grass tickled his arms and neck, and the breeze sent a shiver through Sirius’ spine. He turned his head into the grass, peering at Remus who still had his eyes covered.

“I’m sorry,” Remus muttered, barely audible over the breeze. “It’s just my dad, he’s been like this since…since Greyback.”

“Like what?” Sirius questioned, his voice soft.

“He doesn’t trust people. I mean, you know how jumpy I was first year. I wasn’t allowed to talk to the kids in the neighboring farms, or go to people’s houses. He already homeschooled me, but after the whole werewolf thing it felt so much worse. He shut out magic too, but you’ve seen that,” Remus sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “He warned me against making friends at Hogwarts, almost didn’t let me go.”

Sirius startled at Remus’ admission. “Wait, he almost didn’t let you got to Hogwarts?” The thought horrified him.

The blue sky was filled with white puffy clouds like a landscape painting, and Sirius trailed his eyes across it in an attempt to calm himself after hearing Remus’ admission.

“He means well,” Remus scrambled to say. “But, he warned me against the consequences of anyone finding out I was a werewolf. I know he just wants to protect me, but him asking you those questions back there was just because he doesn’t trust families like…” Remus trailed off.

“Families like mine,” Sirius finished for him.

“Sorry,” Remus apologized, cringing at the harshness of the words.

“No, I understand. He’s right not to trust me. If my parents knew that you were a werewolf…” now it was Sirius’ turn to trail off.

He couldn’t bear to think about what his parents would do if they knew that Remus was a werewolf. Probably start with trying to get him kicked out of Hogwarts.

“It doesn’t matter what your family would do. My dad should trust me, and trust the fact that I trust you. He did this with Peter and James too, but with you it’s different, and it’s driving me crazy.”

A harsh breeze blew Remus’ bangs into his face, and he shivered against it. From up on the top of the hill, it was much cooler than it had been when they first arrived.

“How are you not freezing?” Remus asked, eyeing Sirius’ bare arms.

Sirius dragged his eyes away from the blue sky to look at Remus. He rolled his eyes, wondering how a human being could possibly get as cold as Remus did even with his werewolf blood and sweaters. Sirius smiled when he remembered one of the late nights by the lake when Remus had admitted it was one of the only things that had stayed the same about him after he was bit.

“Come here,” Sirius muttered, pulling Remus towards him by the waist.

Remus moved in against Sirius, tucking his head into the crook of his neck. Sirius took Remus’ hands in his in an attempt to warm them, rubbing them gently between his.

From up on the hill, it felt like Sirius and Remus were far away from everyone, and it was just the two of them. Sirius tucked his nose into Remus’ hair and kissed the top of his head. He could feel Remus smile a little against his neck.

“I don’t mind your dad’s questions,” he whispered. “I’m good at getting around tough questions.”

“I know.” Remus’ voice was muffled against Sirius.

A smile crept up on Sirius’ face as he realized that Remus was probably thinking about all the same moments that Sirius was thinking of when he had gotten himself out of tough situations at Hogwarts with the professors.

“I don’t want to go back in yet, though.” Remus’ lips tickled Sirius’ neck as he talked, but Sirius only held Remus closer, wondering how any of this was possible.

Maybe it was just a cruel dream that he would wake up from only to discover that he was actually back at his house in his big cold bed, no Remus in sight. Sirius shivered at the image.

“I knew you were cold too,” Remus whispered.

Sirius laughed, debating if he should tell Remus why he had really shivered. He decided the thought was too terrible to voice out loud. If he did, maybe it would come true. He only kissed Remus’ temple gently.

Sirius thought that maybe it would seem weird being with Remus like this after so many years of wanting from afar, but now, with Remus tucked into his arms, it felt so _right_. And it wasn’t like that wanting had disappeared. If anything, now that Sirius knew what it felt like to be with Remus, it made him want him even more. It made him pull Remus closer, and cling on tightly to him, deciding in that moment that he would do _anything_ to keep Remus.

It felt like they laid there for no time at all, but the sun was disappearing against the trees in the distance, and the moon was taking its shift. It was shining dully in the sky, unable to overpower the still-setting sun. The night only grew colder because of the breeze, despite the summer charm that had been cast over the farm, and Remus was cold against Sirius’ side.

“We should go inside,” Sirius whispered against his ear.

“No,” Remus groaned into his neck, unable to stop himself from shivering again.

“Come on.”

Remus sighed, but he slowly rolled away. His teeth immediately started to chatter. Once they were both standing, Sirius drew him in for one more hug, hoping it was dark enough that if Remus’ parents happened to look outside, they wouldn’t see Sirius trailing his fingers down their son’s back and kissing gently into his neck.

Sirius may have been the one to suggest going inside, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away from Remus. Remus didn’t pull away from Sirius either, so they stood there under the darkening sky, the breeze whipping against their backs, and the sound of the night slowly rising around them. The wind didn’t matter, though, because they were holding onto one another, and their faces were tucked against each other, and they were both holding back smiles.

It was complete bliss, and Sirius never wanted it to end.


	17. Chapter 17

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Remus said, his voice muffled from the walls that were between Sirius and him.

“He just seems nervous or something,” Mrs Lupin explained in hushed tones. “And, I don’t know. It’s just odd that you didn’t owl me about it first.”

It was weird hearing her say “owl me” since Sirius didn’t hear the Lupins talking about stuff like that often.

“I didn’t know you would mind,” Remus answered, sounding somewhat irritated.

“No, sweetie,” Mrs Lupin started, her voice louder than it had been. “It’s not that. I’m more than fine with him staying here; It’s just not like you to not communicate.”

“Sorry. It was kind of a last minute decision.”

“Was there a reason behind this last minute decision?”

“No,” Remus answered a little too quickly.

Sirius cringed from where he sat on the floor of the hallway, ear pressed against the wall. He was supposed to be asleep. Mrs Lupin had brought in the mattress for Sirius by the time they had come back inside, and Remus had told Sirius not to wait up for him because he had some chores to do. Of course, he hadn’t let Sirius help at all.

It wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to fall asleep after the day he had had, and especially not in the floor of Remus’ room, knowing that Remus was just on the other side of a few walls. Sirius had gotten up to ask Remus, once again, if there was anything he could help with, when he heard his name being said and stopped to listen.

“So Sirius being here last minute has nothing to do with how he’s acting?”

“Don’t worry, Mum. Sirius is always quiet and moody like that.”

Sirius smirked at Remus’ words. If he had been a part of the conversation, he would have argued with him about that. Maybe he was a little bit moodier than usual, but he had plenty of times that Remus had complained about how loud and clingy he was in mind.

“Okay,” Mrs Lupin answered, her voice still sounding a bit distressed. “But, you would tell me if there was something wrong, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course I would.”

There was soft rustling sound, and Sirius pictured Remus patting his hand on her back soothingly.

“Well, I won’t keep you up any longer.”

There was some more shuffling, and the sound of dishes being set into a cabinet. A couple footsteps made Sirius stand up, ready to sneak back into Remus’ room.

“Goodnight,” Remus said, his voice almost too quiet for Sirius to hear.

“Goodnight, hun.”

Sirius moved back a little bit when it sounded like Remus was coming closer. He heard Mrs Lupin say, “I’m glad you’re home,” right before he snuck back into the room and flopped onto his mattress.

He pulled the covers up over his neck and turned his face so that Remus wouldn’t be able to see it when he came in.

There were a few noises across the hall from the sink running in the bathroom, and after about five minutes, the door slowly creaked open, sending a small stream of light into the room. Remus tiptoed around, being careful not to trip on the mattress taking up the center of his room, and Sirius listened to him carefully.

It had only been five minutes of silence after Remus had laid down when Sirius couldn’t take it anymore. He wrestled back his covers and climbed carefully into Remus’ small bed. Remus had his back facing him, and he rolled around quickly, his hands coming up to rest on Sirius’ chest.

“Sirius,” he hissed, glancing at the door to make sure it was fully closed.

Sirius smiled and pulled Remus closer, trapping him against his body with one leg.

“I told you to go to sleep,” Remus whispered, his eyes peaking up at Sirius through the hair that was usually styled nicely but was now falling into his face from laying down. It reminded him of the way Remus had hid behind his bangs back in first year.

“I’m not very good at following orders,” Sirius replied in a hushed tone. He trailed a couple kisses down Remus’ neck, receiving a few hitched laughs in return.

“Sirius,” Remus cautioned, his voice coming out breathy.

Sirius ignored Remus, tugging him closer by the waist and nipping gently at his ear.

Remus laughed quietly and repeated, “Sirius,” dragging out the word as if to say, _come on, what are you doing?_

“What am I supposed to do when there’s the hottest boy I’ve ever seen laying so close? You expect me to just stay down there on my cold mattress all alone?” Sirius mumbled into Remus’ neck.

He pulled away to see Remus’ face, and it was better than he was hoping for. The room was dark except for the moonlight that was floating in though the thin curtain over the window. There was almost a bluish tint in the air that made Remus’ skin look ethereal, and it was all Sirius could do to trace his thumb lightly over Remus’ cheekbone, fingers fluttering over his light eyelashes to land on the corner of his eyebrow.

There was a blush creeping up Remus’ cheeks due to either Sirius’ compliment or the way he was so gently tracing the lines of his face. From this close, Sirius wanted to count all the freckles that covered his nose and cheeks, and then when he was finished, he would count them all over again. His eyes were wide and unyielding, staring right into Sirius’ heart, and his lips were pressed together tightly; holding his breath. Sirius’ thumb found the scar that cut through Remus’ eyebrow and sliced down his cheek, and he rubbed gently along it.

“You’re beautiful,” Sirius breathed out, unable to look away.

“Sirius,” Remus said again, but this time was so much different than the others. It held none of the caution or teasing. Instead, it was full of want and heavy with something Sirius couldn’t place.

Sirius didn’t know who kissed who, but suddenly, they were kissing. They weren’t nearly close enough to each other, and heat coursed through his skin everywhere that Remus’ gentle fingers met.

The room was silent except for the mingled sounds of their breath, hot against each other’s mouths. Everything was forgotten except for the feeling of lips against lips and hands against skin. The air was still except for where Sirius was pushing Remus back against the bed, moving to climb over him.

Remus went willingly, falling back against his pillow, and reaching his hand up to tangle his fingers in Sirius’ hair. He pulled him down against his lips, and moved his fingers to trail up Sirius’ back. The touch had Sirius dizzy and wanting more almost instantly.

He straddled Remus’ hips and sat up so that he could swiftly pull his shirt over his head. Remus watched from below him, breathing heavily as he reached up to trail his fingers over the expanse of Sirius’ chest.

Sirius looked down at him, knowing that Remus would see how strong the desire was hidden behind his dark eyes. Remus squirmed a little under Sirius and pushed him gently, so Sirius slid off of him, watching as he sat up carefully. They were both kneeling in front of each other, eyes gliding over one another’s faces.

Remus reached out again, his fingers meeting Sirius’ neck. They moved up for a second to Sirius’ hair, tugging gently, but soon Remus was trailing his hand down Sirius’ bare torso, leaving a fire in it’s trail. Remus’ gaze was almost heavier than the weight of his hands against Sirius’ skin as he raked his eyes over his bare skin. Sirius watched, almost hypnotized by the way Remus’ pale fingers traced over him. He moved his hands down to the muscle on Sirius’ stomach, tracing over the lines of his body, gentler over the light burns on his arm and other scars that his parents had left. 

Sirius brought his eyes back up to Remus’ face, unable to look at himself for long. Looking was only a reminder of the long nights spent doing Muggle workouts as a distraction from his parents biting words and harsh punishments.

Remus pressed a little harder over his skin and scooted closer so that he was almost sitting in Sirius’ lap.

Sirius’ eye fluttered closed at the touch, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. Of all the girls that Sirius had been with—and he hated to say there were many—they had all been with him for inconsequential things; his charm, his looks, his _body_. Of course, there was no way they could have known, but Sirius could still feel their hands on him, taking pleasure in the muscle he had obtained, not knowing the pain that was behind every slope of his chest and every rise in his toned arms.

Remus didn’t touch Sirius the way that they had touched Sirius.

He caressed him with the warmth that one only did when they _knew_. When they knew what was behind the person that people at school saw him as. He touched him like there was nobody else in the world, and Sirius leaned into it desperately. 

He had never felt anything like _this_ , and he had yearned for it without even realizing.

Remus’ face fell against Sirius’ skin, his lips trailing down his chest.

“ _You’re_ beautiful,” he whispered, parroting Sirius’ earlier words.

Sirius couldn’t stand one more second of the suffocating ache he felt as he watched Remus watch him and felt Remus trailing his hands over his body. He tugged at the hem of Remus’ shirt until he pulled it up over his head.

Now it was Sirius’ turn to admire Remus. Remus was skinny, but his arms were strong from work here on the farm, and his chest was toned.

There were scars that riddled down Remus’ torso, some long and jagged, and others short straight lines. A few of the deeper or more recent ones were slightly red, but others almost blended in with his skin.

Remus shied away from Sirius’ stare, and he pulled him in for a kiss as a distraction, but Sirius pulled away, fingers carefully tracing over Remus’ scars. Remus shivered lightly, and Sirius didn’t think it was from the lack of clothing on his now bare skin.

Sirius leaned forward, kissing down one scar in particular that he could still remember the first time he had seen it. He could still remember the horror he had been filled with when Remus had switched back after transformation and had blood soaking through his shirt. He could still remember sprinting up the hill, Remus cradled carefully in his arms, unable to wait for Pomfrey.

Sirius pulled away to look up at Remus, who had his head ducked, eyes downcast.

“Hey,” Sirius said, taking hold of his chin to meet his gaze. “I told you that you were beautiful, didn’t I? You don’t have to hide from me,” he whispered, trailing his tongue down a cut under Remus’ ear.

Remus shuddered and pulled Sirius back up to kiss him. “I need you,” he mumbled, falling back against the mattress.

The words made Sirius moan softly, and he chased after him, settling above his body. They were quiet after that except for the occasional exhale of breath or soft moan into each other’s mouths.

These kisses were nothing like the snippets that he remembered from the closet after the party, or the desperate ones when Sirius had admitted his love for Remus. These were hot, and slow, and incomparable to anything Sirius had ever experienced. They were careful and laced with passion, yet desperate and needy.

Remus arched up against Sirius who let out a deep breath, pushing back just as hard. He buried his head against Remus’ neck, clutching him tight against him.

He just kept thinking, _this is Remus in my arms. It’s Remus._ And every time he couldn’t believe it, he would smell the scent of chocolate, or Remus’ shampoo, and he would hear Remus making a sound deep in his throat that was so obviously Remus.

“I want you, Remus.” Sirius groaned, his fingers playing at the waistband of Remus’ pajama pants. “I want you so bad right now.”

Remus shifted his leg, making Sirius groan, and he nodded at Sirius’ words, only able to mutter a, “Y-yes. I want you too.” Sirius bit Remus’ lip gently, and Remus gasped, allowing Sirius to slip his tongue into his mouth. “ _Please_.”

“Oh god, I love you,” Sirius said.

They didn’t get much sleep that night.

————

Remus didn’t think he would ever get used to whatever had formed between him and Sirius.

Every hidden kiss behind the silo, secret touch passing by each other as they did chores around the farm, and times that Sirius pulled him close against him at night, were all shocks to Remus.

He thought about those touches as he hauled hay into the rafters of the barn. Never before had he had a smile on his face as he worked like this.

There were streams of light filtering into the barn through the holes in the roof, and he could hear Sirius and his dad outside trying to get the old tractor started up. They didn’t talk much except for the occasional time that Sirius would ask a question, and his dad would answer quickly but effectively.

When Remus was finished with the hay inside, he peaked his head out the large doors of the barn, leaning against the wall that was covered in old chipped paint. Sirius had his black shirt hanging loosely out of his pocket and dark smudges on his face. His hair was tied back in a tiny bun at the back of his head, but most of it was falling out in wisps around his face.

It was strange to see Sirius doing such normal Muggle mechanical work, but he seemed to be enjoying it by the way his eyes narrowed whenever Remus’ dad tried to explain something.

The sun was much brighter out here, and Remus felt a bead of sweat fall down the back of his neck. Sirius looked amazing under the sun. It shined down on his bare chest and made him look like he was glowing, his dark hair a stark contrast against his skin.

Sirius glanced up from where he had been looking down at something his father was doing under the tractor. He caught Remus’ eye and smiled a little, brushing his hair out of his face.

Remus moved around to the back of the barn to get more hay, tossing it over his shoulder. Of course, the tractor had to break down now when they needed to move all of this. When he walked back around to the front, Sirius glanced back up, watching Remus as Remus watched him until he disappeared inside.

They continued like that for the good half of an hour, Sirius watching Remus every time he entered and exited the barn, Remus watching Sirius every time he had the chance.

Remus couldn’t stop smiling whenever Sirius couldn’t see him.

The sound of a loud engine and moving rocks drew Remus back outside, and he watched as his mum drove up the drive in their green pickup. She got out carrying a couple grocery bags.

“Hey boys! Come inside for some lemonade, you’ve been working all day!” she called across the field.

Remus’ dad dropped his tools and rolled out from under the tractor. When he disappeared inside, Sirius turned to meet Remus at the barn entrance, stopping just short of him with a hand on his waist.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he whispered, eyes focusing on Remus in that “never going to get used to this” way that Remus had just been thinking about.

“Oh yeah?” Remus played along, brushing some of Sirius’ wispy hair out of his face. “Why’s that?”

“Because you stand there looking like _this_ ,” Sirius’ eyes raked over Remus’ body in emphasis as he spoke, “and you just expect me to carry on like I’m not falling apart just looking at you.”

Remus laughed and wiped his thumb over some grease on Sirius’ forehead. “ _You_ think _I_ look good? You were the one standing over there looking like a Greek god or something under the sun,” Remus joked, lacing his hand with Sirius’.

Sirius put his unoccupied hand on Remus’ waist and pushed him back into the barn.

“How long you think until your mother calls for us again?” he muttered into Remus’ neck.

“Long enough.”

Once they were inside the barn, Sirius’ hands slid to Remus’ arse, and he hoisted him up into his arms. Remus wrapped his legs around Sirius and felt himself being backed against the wooden boards of the walls.

Sirius moved Remus’ oversized tee off of his shoulder, kissing down his collarbone in a way that made Remus lose coherent thoughts. Sirius smelled like sweat and oil, but it only made Remus want to press closer to him, dragging him up for a kiss. He felt Sirius’ tongue sliding against his, and he let his head fall back against the barn wall.

“Sirius,” he said between kisses. “The paint is… coming off… and rubbing against my back. Not pleasant.”

Sirius laughed and pulled away, guiding Remus down to the barn floor, which was also scratchy from the hay littering it, but Remus didn’t complain again.

“Sorry, love,” he mumbled before returning to kissing him.

Remus clutched Sirius’ shoulders and kissed his neck, feeling Sirius tip his head back to allow more access. He tasted like summer, both sweet and salty, and Remus licked the taste away.

After a while, Sirius pulled away, laughing a little. “This isn’t much better, is it?” he said, motioning towards the hay under Remus.

Remus let out a laugh, shaking his head in the crook of Sirius’ shoulders. “Not really.”

Sirius sighed and sat up, dragging Remus along with him. He couldn’t resist kissing him a little longer there in the shade of the barn, but eventually Remus’ mum called out from the house for them to come inside again.

Sirius kissed Remus all the way up until the point where they were outside of the barn, and he brushed his fingers down his arm as they walked back.

———

The next day, Sirius and Remus’ dad worked on the tractor again, and they finally got it running.

“Your friend here has a knack for mechanics,” Remus’ dad said that night around the dinner table.

It was the first time Remus had heard him say anything nice about Sirius, or really much about him at all, since he had come.

“Really?” Remus asked, glancing at Sirius who looked proud.

His dad nodded, and that was the end of that conversation, but after dinner, Remus tugged Sirius out to a shed past the hill by his hand.

The shed was small, but it looked bigger on the inside, and there was one single light bulb in the center of the ceiling that Remus flicked on with the tug of a string dangling from it. In the center of the room was a shiny black motorbike with parts littering the floor around it.

“What’s this?” Sirius asked, skeptically, his dark eyes lighting up as he looked at it.

Remus shrugged. “It’s an old motorbike my dad’s friend gave him. Dad bought all the parts a while ago, but never finished piecing it back together. He gave it to me a summer ago, but I don’t really like stuff like this. Thought maybe you would want to give it a go.”

“You’re joking?” Sirius said, his voice already sounding excited.

“Nope, as long as you don’t ignore me to work on this thing,” Remus laughed, kicking it lightly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him and tugged him into a hug, his arms wrapping around Remus’ waist. “I wouldn’t ever ignore you Moons,” he whispered, placing his forehead against Remus’.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it.” Sirius answered. “I love you.”

There was a small pause where the sound of crickets chirping and breeze rustling through the trees from outside the shed filled up the space between them.

“I love you too,” Remus said, and they were the truest words that he had ever spoken.

———

Sirius spent every spare moment that he wasn’t working with Remus’ family, or doing something with Remus, working on the bike. Most of the time, Remus sat with him or brought him sandwiches when he would forget to eat.

Moony also brought out something he called a record player, and Sirius adored it. All he had to do was put these big circular disks in it, and it played music for them.

“You sure this isn’t magic?” He had asked, resulting in a laugh from Remus.

They spent hours in that little shed as Sirius worked, reading blueprints and writing notes down. They laughed and talked, and sometimes, when Sirius couldn’t figure something out and started to get mad, Remus would drag him off the ground and kiss his anger away, all with the sound of what Remus called “classic rock” playing in the background.

One night, Sirius glanced up like he so often did to look at Remus, and he spotted him on his feet, a small smile on his face, rocking back and forth with the music.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, his task completely forgotten now that he was watching Remus under the warm light of the single bulb, mouthing the words to the song playing.

_Dancing in the moonlight. Everybody’s feeling warm and bright._

“Nothing,” Remus answered, still swaying with the music.

Sirius stood up from what he was doing, making his way over to Remus who smiled when Sirius took his hand in his and rested his hand on his back. He nudged Remus’ face with his nose a little, and then began swaying with him. Remus rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder.

_It’s such a fine and natural sight. Everybody we’re dancing in the moonlight._

Remus hummed lightly under his breath, and Sirius smiled into his hair, holding him tighter.

They avoided the littered parts on the floor, and Sirius twirled Remus under his arm, making him laugh.

_We like our fun, and we never fight. You can’t dance and stay uptight._

Sirius stole a few kisses from Remus as they danced, but Remus wouldn’t let him kiss him long. He had his eyes focused on their feet, and it felt like such a Remus thing to do that Sirius couldn’t help pulling him back up for one more kiss.

_They don’t bark, and they don’t bite._

Sirius laughed at those lyrics. “But we do,” he whispered against Remus’ ear.

Remus laughed also, a melodic sound that filled the small space, and they both thought about how ironic the words were.

By the end of the song, Sirius was singing along with Remus on the chorus, and when the song was over, they listened to another and another until the record stopped playing, needing to be changed.

“I want to show you something,” Remus whispered, his lips tickling Sirius’ neck.

He watched Remus grab a blanket from the corner of the room and took his hand as they left.

At first, Sirius thought Remus was taking him down to the lake. They went onto the path that was surrounded by trees, but Remus took a strange turn. The further they got back into the he woods, the darker it grew.

Sirius pulled out his wand to cast lumos, but Remus covered his hand with his own, shaking his head slightly. “You’ll ruin the surprise.”

Sirius laughed, wondering what on earth Remus was going to show him just as they exited the trees and entered a large grassy clearing.

At first, Sirius didn’t know what he was looking at. All across the field, what looked like millions of little yellow lights were flickering through the tall grass like a garden of a million stars, sparkling for just them to see.

Remus spread the blanket out on the ground next to a tree and sat down. Sirius joined him, and Remus instantly leaned against him, tucking his head under Sirius’ chin. Sirius wrapped his arm around his shoulders, tugging him in closer.

“Beautiful isn’t it? I’ve never seen as many fireflies as here,” Remus whispered, like if he spoke too loud, the fireflies would be startled away.

“Yeah,” Sirius looked at Remus who was smiling softly at the field, “beautiful.”

———

“Do you want to drive now?” Remus asked, craning his neck around to see Sirius.

“Me?” Sirius asked, his fingers nervously picking at Remus’ shirt.

“Yes, _you_.” Remus said “you” the same way that he said Sirius’ name, like it was some holy word that needed to be said full of admiration, which was ridiculous. “You’re going to have to drive that motorbike, and this is much easier than that.”

“I’ve never driven a Muggle vehicle before,” Sirius hesitated.

“Come on, it’s really easy,” Remus said, already climbing off the the four wheeler to switch places with Sirius. “We’ll go slow.”

Sirius sighed, and scooted forward on the seat. Ahead of them was a dirt trail surrounded by grass, and to the right was a huge field of some sort of crop that Sirius didn’t want to ask about out of fear for sounding stupid.

Remus settled in behind Sirius, his entire chest pressed up against his back as he leaned forward to show him what to do. Sirius let out a shaky breath, and not just from the nerves he was feeling in his stomach.

“Press this button,” Remus said pointing to a switch on the handlebars.

Sirius pressed it, and suddenly the four wheeler roared to life. Sirius’ stomach tingled with worry. What if he flipped them over or something? Sirius pictured his parent’s faces if they could see him even sitting here.

“Okay, so that’s how you turn it on and off.”

Remus took both of Sirius’ hands in his and placed them on the handlebars. With his hands still there, he moved Sirius’ fingers to squeeze a lever back. The four wheeler lurched forward a bit.

“That’s the gas.”

Remus’ voice was warm like honey in Sirius’ ear, and with his arms wrapped around him, Sirius didn’t feel so nervous anymore. Remus used Sirius’ hand to press back a different lever.

“And that’s the brake.”

Remus started moving them forward a bit, and Sirius relaxed as he started to realize it wasn’t really that difficult. As they picked up speed, Remus let more and more of the controls go to Sirius.

“As you upshift, let off the gas just a little bit,” Remus instructed.

Soon, Sirius was taking them down winding trails and up small hills, and they built up speed to the point where the wind was blowing against his face, and Remus’ arms were around him, and they were both yelling at the top of their lungs because why not. They went as far as they could before Remus informed him they should go back for gas.

They had stopped in an open field, land stretching for miles around them, and Sirius leaned against the four wheeler, looking at all of it with curious eyes.

“How is this possible, Rems?” He asked, tugging him over so that they stood side-by-side, staring out over the land.

Remus leaned his head against Sirius’ shoulder like he did so often now. It felt instinctual to wrap his arm around Remus’ waist.

“We’re the only farm that I know of that’s actually classified as a ‘wizarding farm’. My dad, he worked on the season charm his whole life, perfecting it so that we can always have this. It’s funny, for as much as he hates magic, he sure uses a lot of it for the farm. The crops, the weather, even all of the workers we hire are all wizards and witches.”

“Really?” Sirius interrupted. He hadn’t known that.

“Yeah, but they know not to use magic in front of Dad.”

Sirius nodded and continued his long gaze at the beauty in front of them. “You said that it was _mostly_ your dad the first time I asked about it,” Sirius pointed out.

“He taught me the charm. I helped him a bit when we were putting it up, which was weird. You know, doing magic with him. He told me he was proud of me when we were done. I’ve never heard him being proud of my magic.” Remus spoke with a faraway gaze like he was seeing something that Sirius wouldn’t be able to see himself.

Sirius pulled Remus in front of him, blocking his view of the scenery. “You’re incredible,” he praised, kissing him lightly, a soft brush of lips.

“I didn’t really do much,” Remus stuttered, trying to avoid the compliment.

Sirius kissed him again.

———

When they finally made it back, they tucked the four wheeler away in the shed that they had dragged it out of, informed Mr Lupin that it was working great, and spent some time together fixing the motorbike up.

“What if,” Sirius started, wrench in one of his greasy hands, “what if it could fly?”

Remus almost spit out the drink of lemonade he had in his mouth. “ _Fly_?” he asked incredulously.

“Yeah, I don’t know. It was just a thought,” Sirius added hastily.

“No, no. Tell me more.”

“Well, I was just thinking about the season charm your father used. Surely if something like that’s possible, I could charm the bike to fly. I mean, we created the Marauder’s Map on our own, and I became an animagus with nothing but old books from the library. How hard could it be?”

Remus looked at him, his eyes shining, and a smile tugging at his lips. “A flying motor bike,” he said shaking his head a little. “Got a ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Sirius smiled mischievously, watching Remus from where he was standing.

Usually Remus’ shirts were loose, and hung airily off of his shoulders, but this morning, he had entered the kitchen wearing a tight white shirt that hugged him in all of the right places, and dark pants that did things to Sirius’ brain. Sirius wanted to take both of them off.

He abandoned his tools on the ground, making his way over to Remus slowly. Remus smiled mischievously back at him and bit his lip in a way that Sirius knew had to be on purpose. Sirius leaned in, but Remus stopped his kiss with a sweet finger on his lips.

“Aren’t you going to finish what you were doing?” he asked.

Sirius stared at Remus, making sure that Remus could see his intense gaze, and opened his mouth to wrap his lips around Remus’ finger, sucking softly at what tasted like lemonade on his skin without breaking eye contact. Remus’ eyes grew wide, and he let a small gasp escape his lips. Sirius let his eyes drop to his lips greedily. Remus pulled his finger away and stepped backwards against the work table at the side of the shed, pulling Sirius along with him.

Sirius brushed all the blueprints and tools onto the floor and hoisted Remus onto the table by his hips.

Remus was sitting up, Sirius standing between Remus’ legs, but Sirius couldn’t get close enough to Remus, and he wanted to feel his whole body against his.

“I’ve been wanting to get you out of this ridiculous shirt all day,” Sirius growled, tugging the tight t-shirt up over Remus’ head and kissing down his chest.

Remus shuddered and wrapped his legs tighter around Sirius. “It shrunk in the wash,” he squeezed out through clenched teeth.

Sirius laughed humorlessly, and dragged his fingers down Remus’ spine who then scrambled to get Sirius’ own shirt off. When the thin piece of fabric was removed, Sirius pressed both of their chests close together, wanting to feel his warmth against him.

He reached down to Remus’ pants, undoing the button with nimble fingers.

“Sirius,” Remus gasped. “Out here?”

Sirius looked at Remus with dark eyes and nodded almost hungrily. “A little risky inside so close to your parents don’t you think?”

Remus let Sirius kiss him hard, and he kissed back just as fervently, licking into his mouth. Sirius groaned, and tugged at Remus’ hips.

“Stand up,” he ordered, tugging him off the table.

When he was standing in front of him, Sirius pushed him back against the wall, knelt down, and kissed down his hipbone. Remus moaned, and Sirius looked up to see his head falling back against the wall, his eyes squeezed shut, and his lip trapped between his teeth. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen, and he felt his stomach flip in a needy way as he looked up at him.

“Look at me,” Sirius whispered, bringing his hands to the zipper on Remus’ pants. “This okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” Remus responded. “Oh...yes. Yes,” he stumbled out as Sirius began.

Remus tasted so good, and Sirius finished shortly after him, feeling Remus’ hand tugging in his hair, and watching as Remus’ eyes squeezed shut. It was when Remus let out a loud gasp followed by Sirius’ name that undid Sirius. He gasped against Remus’ skin, feeling his whole body tremble at the release he felt.

Sirius looked up at Remus who desperately pulled him back up to kiss. They fell back onto the table, and Sirius kissed Remus soundly.

After they had cleaned up and somehow managed to get their clothes back on, they left the shed, giving each other lazy kisses as they headed back towards the house.

It was dark and quiet inside, and Sirius and Remus tiptoed quietly down the hall to Remus’ bedroom, hands tucked into each others grasps, hips bumping against one another.

Sirius felt somewhat drunk even though it had been since the night he had spoken with Amanda since he had even had a sip of alcohol. His head was spinning, and he felt weightless. An unimaginable happiness was tugging at his heart, a stronger joy than anything he had ever felt before, but there was also a dark piece deep in his mind that was terrified of losing this happiness, terrified of losing Remus.

It was irrational. Looking at Remus, smile playing on his lips, hand in Sirius’, he knew it was irrational, but the fear was still there. It was a consistent nagging, deep in his stomach, and Sirius tried to shut it out.

They fell into Remus’ bed, exhaustion washing over both of them. Remus curled up against Sirius, kissing his neck softly.

He didn’t want to bring it up, especially not now while he was feeling so good, but the question had been nagging at him too insistently.

“What are we going to do when we get back to Hogwarts?” he whispered.

“We still have a week of holiday. We don’t have to think about that now,” Remus answered, rolling more to his side so that he could tuck himself against Sirius better.

“What if I need to think about it now? I need to know that I’m not going to lose you,” Sirius voiced, his fingers trailing lightly over Remus’ shoulder.

“You’re not going to lose me, Sirius. Just because we go back to Hogwarts doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to be boyfriends anymore.”

“Boyfriends?” Sirius asked, his fingers stalling on their way up and down Remus’ arm.

“Or, I don’t mean, not that we’re now, or,” Remus stuttered, hurrying to fix his choice of words.

“No, no. I like that. I want you to be my boyfriend,” Sirius rushed to explain.

There was a little pause before Remus said, “Okay. Then we’re boyfriends.” Sirius smiled into Remus’ hair, and rubbed his nose lightly down his cheek. “Which means nothing will change when we go back to Hogwarts. We’ll use whatever time we can when we’re alone, and that’ll be enough.”

Sirius nodded and let out a relieved breath. “And James and Peter?”

“Maybe hold off telling them,” Remus hesitated. “It might complicate things.”

Sirius agreed. He also thought it was best they kept this a secret for now. For now, Remus was all his, and Sirius was all Remus’, and that was all that mattered.

It was late into the night, and they were both exhausted. They fell asleep, limbs tangled together and chests aligned.

Sirius woke up with a soft smile on his face. He could feel Remus’ warmth against him, and he nuzzled his face closer, peaking one of his eyes open to look at him. Remus looked peaceful in his sleep, eyelashes fluttering on his cheekbones, freckles painting his soft face.

The sound of footsteps and a door opening startled Sirius into a sitting position, causing Remus to stir.

“Pads, it’s early,” Remus mumbled sleepily, trying to pull Sirius back down but not really putting much strength behind the tug.

Sirius didn’t budge, and Remus eventually cracked his eyes open, trying to see what it was that made him pull away so suddenly. His eyes grew large, and he also shot up, sitting like he had seen a ghost.

There in the doorway, Mrs Lupin was standing wide eyed, her face filled with shock as she took in the scene in front of her.

“Mum,” Remus gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits: Dancing in the Moonlight by: King Harvest (1973)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry, this chapter is long overdue! The cliffhanger from last chapter gave me writer’s block, which caused me to start another fic, which caused me to neglect this one, and on top of all of that I was trying to study for AP tests. Thanks for everyone’s patience <3

For a moment, everything was still. One second dragged into what felt like a million, and Remus watched it all unfolding like he was a ref watching the same play in slow motion to try and see every angle of the event.

Sirius sat beside him, his broad chest on full display. He had his brow furrowed like he always did when he was preparing himself for the worst. One of his arms was propped back behind him where Remus had reached out in his sleepy daze to pull him back to bed.

Remus’ mother stood in the doorway. For a second her mouth had fallen open just to snap back shut immediately. Remus watched her swallow in slow motion and her eyes darted back and forth between the two of them.

Just as suddenly as it had happened, things sped back up again, and Sirius was opening his mouth with hallow explanations, but his mother was speaking first, her voice sounding almost normal.

“Remus, your father wants you to start on the paint job for the barn today. Also, breakfast is ready.”

It was Remus’ turn to stare wide eyed at his mother. He was so stunned that no words could escape from his mouth, and they didn’t have to because she was already turning to leave out the door.

Right before she left, Mrs Lupin turned back around, motioning between the two of them. “Don’t tell your father about this just yet.”

Remus forced what probably looked like a very crazy head nod, but she had already left the room. They sat in silence for a second, Sirius’ hand hovering over Remus’. He didn’t know if Sirius realized he was doing it, but after a second, Remus took it in his, running his fingers over Sirius’ knuckles.

As quickly as Remus’ mother had walked in, Sirius suddenly burst out laughing. It made Remus jump a bit, and he turned to Sirius, wondering what on earth there was to be laughing about right now. Sirius doubled over onto the bed, the sheets tangling up in his legs.

“Your mum is so cool,” Sirius snorted. “Did you see how quickly she schooled her expression?”

Remus couldn’t help but let out a little laugh of his own, his shoulders loosening a bit. “Come on this is serious. She could have kicked you out or something,” Remus said, trying not to smile at the way Sirius was still clutching his stomach, sprawled out on his back so that his hair was falling into his face.

“Yeah, but she didn’t. Can you imagine if that had been my parents?”

Remus smiled sadly, taking in the way Sirius’ body language changed a bit when he brought up his own parents. He bent down, kissing Sirius on the forehead, but Sirius tugged him forward to his mouth. Remus thought the kiss might be awkward since Sirius was laying the same was Remus was facing, and Sirius’ nose brushed against Remus’ face, but it wasn’t.

“Like Spiderman,” Remus breathed out.

“Who’s Spiderman?”

And then it was Remus’ turn to burst out laughing.

“How come your mum doesn’t want your dad to know about us?” Sirius asked, his brow furrowing in a way that forced Remus to reach out and smooth it out with his thumb.

Remus sighed and scratched his arm, thinking. “Um, he already blames himself for me being a werewolf. I don't know, I guess it might be hard for him to know I was going to have to grow up being gay and a werewolf.”

When Sirius didn’t respond, Remus laughed awkwardly. He watched Sirius sit up, and felt Sirius’ hands tugging on his own. When Remus complied, folding their fingers together, Sirius smiled. Remus waited for whatever very deep thing that Sirius was about to say, but instead Sirius cracked a grin.

“You’re going to grow up being gay with me, right?” Sirius laughed, but his eyes were serious.

Remus laughed. “Grow up being gay with you like I’m gay and you’re gay and we grow old together, or grow up being gay with you like _doing_ gay things with you?” Remus joked.

“Both.” Sirius smirked.

Remus kissed his smirk away and pulled back, muttering, “Of course we’re growing old together,” against Sirius’ lips.

Sirius smiled; a big smile that reminded Remus of when he was Padfoot, and Sirius tackled Remus back against the bed. They got distracted for a while, and Remus didn’t know if it was him or Sirius that finally mentioned they had been summoned to breakfast a while ago, but eventually they rolled out of bed—Sirius quite literally rolling out of bed—and made their way to the kitchen.

As they sat down, Remus saw his mother smirking at him, and he tried to ignore it. His dad obliviously ate his eggs and pancakes, and Remus tried to finish his meal with the same ease.

Halfway through the meal, Remus glanced up when he heard the distinct sound of an owl.

“Mail?” Remus’ dad asked, glancing towards the open window.

They didn’t often get mail through owls at the farm other than from James or Peter, and although Remus knew his father didn’t like it, he had never said anything about it before.

“It’s probably from James or Pete,” Remus pointed out, watching as the owl flew in elegantly and perched on the window sill like it owned the place.

It was a beautiful owl with wings far bigger than any Remus had seen. It’s feathers were dark and speckled, creating a gorgeous swirling pattern around its face. There was a bright red letter attached to the owl.

Remus glanced at Sirius, about to ask if he recognized it, but then he saw the look on Sirius’ face. Sirius’ eyes were wide, and his shoulders were tense. He was staring at the owl like it carried a death certificate, and he didn’t meet Remus’ gaze.

Just as Remus was about to say something, he realized what he had seen and jerked his head back towards the owl. It wasn’t just any red letter attached to the owl. Remus looked closer, and he could see that the letter looked like it was vibrating slightly.

Remus had seen the same letter once directed at Peter when his parents had found out how he was doing in potions class.

“It’s a howler,” Remus said, knowing now who it was from.

With the elegance of the bird, it’s sudden appearance, and Sirius’ worried face, everything clicked into place. The bird had to be a Black family bird, and that meant the howler was for Sirius.

Sirius took the letter with shaky hands, and the bird whooshed off before they could even offer it some water. Remus watched Sirius watching the letter. It was growing hotter and shaking more insistently in his hands.

“Howler?” Remus’ mum asked.

“Hun, lets go.”

Remus looked up, shock filling his face as his dad tugged his mum up by the arm. He thought his father would have jumped on the chance to hear what the howler had to say, what with all the questions he was constantly asking Sirius. He watched as his mum practically scurried behind his dad in their effort to leave quickly. He heard the loud door slam shut and watched the two of them make their way down the path through the window for a second.

Now that it was just the two of them, and the howler was getting increasingly louder, it hit Remus that maybe Sirius would want him to leave too. Would he be able to get out fast enough before it exploded?

Before he could ask what Sirius wanted, Sirius tugged the howler open, still not looking at Remus, and Sirius’ mother’s voice filled the kitchen like she was standing their with them.

While the howler was loud, Mrs Black was not screaming like Wormtail’s parents had that one time. Her voice was short and clipped, every word said in a biting tone that sounded as if it had millions of layers.

“Sirius,” it started, “while I am disappointed in the decision that you have made, I am not at all surprised. Your father and I always knew you would let us down, and I didn’t expect you to make the right decision about this break, considering those retched kids you call friends that you hang out with. Don’t think that we don’t know about all the little blood traitors you’ve associated yourself with.”

Remus winced at Mrs Black’s words and watched Sirius’ expression. It was empty and cold, with none of the emotion that he had seen only moments before the howler arrived. Remus wanted to ask what the decision was that she was talking about, but he stayed silent, waiting to see if she would say anything else.

“Because of your choices, we have followed through with what we said we would do. Don’t bother coming home to collect your disgusting muggle possessions that we found in your room, or for anything else. You’ve been removed from our family tree like you should have been a long time ago, and to think that you still carry our righteous family name truly disgusts me.”

Remus held in the gasp that was ready to burst from his mouth. What was she talking about? Don’t come home? Was she disowning Sirius?

“I pity Regulus who will still have to see your disloyal face at school, but do not be fooled; Regulus is no longer your brother just as much as we are no longer your parents. We all knew you were stupid, but we never thought you would be dumb enough to throw away everything we’ve done and given to you. You’ve made your decision, and we’ve certainly made ours.”

Sirius’ face was still blank. With every sentence that his mother said, her words ringing loudly in the kitchen, Sirius didn’t even flinch.

“You’re as good as dead to me.” And then the card exploded into pieces, leaving only her harsh parting words in the wake of the silence that had followed.

It took Remus a second to even register that it was over. It took him another second to process what to do next. Glancing at Sirius, Remus still saw the blank cold expression, but something else was growing up, filling his eyes like a dark cloud ready to unleash a rainstorm.

“Sirius,” Remus said gently, reaching his hand out to place over his arm, but Sirius pulled away quickly, pushing his chair back so he could stand up.

When Sirius looked down at Remus, Remus didn’t even recognize him. His fists were clenched at his sides, and his eyes were filled with pain that he had seen in them so many times, but this time the anger that accompanied his pain was also directed at Remus.

Remus stood up with him, putting his hands in front of him like it would help Sirius to calm down. He didn’t know what to do. Remus tried reaching out again, but Sirius pushed him away, harder this time.

“Talk to me,” Remus pleaded.

Out of all the bad nights Sirius had, Remus was always the only one who could draw him out of them. Sirius had never pushed him away before, and this change of pace was scaring Remus. If he couldn’t reach Sirius, who could?

“Talk to you?” Sirius scoffed, his voice booming almost louder than the howler had. “Okay, I’ll talk to you. This is all your fault, Remus!”

Sirius’ gray eyes had grown jet black as he yelled, and Remus found himself stepping away. He had never been afraid of Sirius. No matter what happened, no matter how drunk Sirius was, or how mad he got, he always knew that Sirius would _never_ hurt him. Now, Remus wasn’t so sure.

“What do you mean this is my fault? What was she even talking about?” Remus felt his voice wavering as he spoke, and he swatted a tear away from his eye, forcing himself to stay calm. This was Sirius he was talking to. Sirius who was fiercely protective of Remus from the moment he had met him. He wouldn’t hurt him.

“I was supposed to get the Dark Mark with Regulus this week. My mother told me to choose, either become a Death Eater or be disowned,” Sirius was pacing back and forth, every muscle in his body poised for attack. Remus found himself wishing he hadn’t left his wand on the bedside table, and he hated it the moment the thought entered his mind. “I was going to go, but you forced me to stay back, and now I have nothing!”

“Pads,” Remus stepped forward. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know they told you that, but I didn’t force you to come here.”

Sirius’ eyes flashed with anger, and he lashed out, grabbing a glass on the counter, and chucking it at the wall. It shattered into pieces, and Remus stared at it in shock. “Really, Remus? You practically begged me to stay! You knew _exactly_ how to get me to come with you. If I hadn’t come here, I wouldn’t be disowned right now.”

Remus sucked in a breath and felt his eyes rushing with tears that he tried desperately to keep at bay. Was this really his fault? He _had_ pressured Sirius to come, but Sirius had seemed so worried. How could he have known? He was just trying to protect Sirius, so he tried to tell him that.

“Sirius, I-I didn’t know.” Remus’ eyes betrayed him, and the tears finally spilled over, slipping down his cheeks. “I just wanted to protect you. I didn’t want them to hurt you anymore.”

“Well nice job! Look where that got you,” Sirius’ words were cold now, aimed right at Remus. He was still tense, and Remus stood back, afraid he would try and throw something again.

“We can figure this out, Sirius. You can stay here for as long as you need, and I’m sure both Pete and James’ parents will say the same. Maybe, maybe this is a good thing,” Remus said between tears.

He knew it was the wrong thing to say the second the words slipped out. Sirius’ face contorted, and his fists clenched tighter, the veins in his arm straining.

“A good thing?” he roared. “You think that this is a good thing? Did you even hear what she said? ‘You’re as good as dead.’ In what world is that a good thing?”

“No, Sirius,” Remus said, desperately trying to fix this. “I just mean that you won’t have to get the Dark Mark. You won’t have to be a Death Eater, and you won’t have to worry about them hurting you anymore.”

Remus was thinking of all of the secrets Sirius had revealed to him. The times he had poured his heart out to Remus, revealing the terrible things that his parents did to him. He could only think that maybe that would be over now. He just wanted Sirius to be safe.

Sirius laughed, a dark humorless laugh. “Don’t pretend you did this for my own good. I have nothing now.”

Remus let out another sob, taking a step forward, despite how badly that had gone every other time. “That’s not true. You still have Hogwarts, and Peter and James. There’s so many people at school who are there for you. You have _me_.”

Sirius looked Remus dead in the eye, and the person he was so used to wasn’t there anymore. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want you, Remus!”

It took a second for Sirius’ words to click into place. Remus stumbled back, his tears suddenly slowing as the shock of what Sirius had said filled him. His ears started to ring, and he found himself staring dumbly with tears staining his face as Sirius turned his back, marching into the hallway where Remus’ room was.

Sirius reappeared carrying the bag that he came with, and Remus watched him leave the house, the broken door crashing back against the house as Sirius left. Remus didn’t try to stop him, and he definitely didn’t try to go after him. He had said it himself. Sirius didn’t want him anymore.

Remus cried for a long time after Sirius was gone, and although he allowed himself to desperately cling onto the hope that Sirius would come back, he never did.


	19. Chapter 19

Last summer, James and Sirius had practiced apparating even though they weren’t seventeen yet, and although it was illegal, the boys had lived by the saying that it’s not against the rules if you don’t get caught. Now, Sirius was overwhelmingly thankful that he could apparate, and he went to the first place that came to his mind; a clearing in the woods where he had gone on a camping trip with James while his parents were away on business.

He marched angrily, his steps crunching loudly in the snow as he walked, not paying much attention to where he was going. There was a large tree trunk in front of him, and he screamed out at nothing in particular, punching the trunk with his hand. A sharp pain shot down his knuckles, stretching and reaching up into his arm until Sirius unclenched his fist, tucking it gingerly against his stomach. The pain in his hand was like a wakeup call, and suddenly, everything came crashing down on him. What had he done? Sirius dropped to his knees, ignoring the cold snow that he had fallen in, all of his remaining anger gone.

He felt his body convulse as tears sprang up, overtaking him in what felt like a never-ending panic attack. All of the moments from just five minutes ago came back to him, and for the first time since it started, Sirius thought about what had happened. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He had just been so afraid, and suddenly it turned to anger, and before he knew it, he wasn’t thinking about anything he was saying or doing. What had he said? What had he done?

Sirius let the memory wash back up over him. He saw himself screaming and blaming Remus. He saw Remus taking a step back, his eyes filling with fear. Sirius crumpled over on himself, clutching his stomach from the pain that filled him at remembering that look in Remus’ eyes. _He_ had done that. How could he have done that?

He remembered throwing a glass against the wall, and he pictured Remus’ face as tears filled his eyes. Hadn’t he seen that he was making Remus sad? Couldn’t he see the tears in his eyes? Sirius had _never_ made Remus cry. If anything, Sirius was the one who had helped Remus to stop crying. But he hadn’t seen it. It was like there had been something clouding his mind, controlling everything he did.

How could Sirius have blamed Remus for this? None of this was Remus’ fault, but that hadn’t stopped him from yelling accusations at Remus. Had Remus believed him? He pictured Remus’ eyes filling with tears again, and his head started to hurt from how hard he was crying now.

The last words that he had said to Remus rang over and over again in his head. _Don’t you get it? I don’t want you Remus._ Why had he said that? How could he have said that? It was the biggest lie he had ever told, but he had been so swept up in the moment, it had slipped out. He had just needed something to blame, and he had lashed out on the person he loved the most in the world. The person he had sworn to protect since the moment he found out he was a werewolf. The person who had told him he was going to spend the rest of his life with him just that morning, kissing him soundly.

“It wasn’t true,” Sirius cried into the still air, tears slipping into his mouth. “It wasn’t true. Remus, I love you. It wasn’t true.”

A sob escaped Sirius, and he felt his tears freezing as he buried himself closer towards the snow. His whole body shook as he thought about everything he had just ruined.

He wanted to go back. He wanted to tell Remus it was all a mistake, and that he needed him, but how could he? How could he expect Remus to take him back after that? After he had screamed at him, and scared him, and blamed him for everything. He hadn’t even thought he deserved Remus _before_ he became his boyfriend, much less now.

After what could have been minutes or hours of rerunning his anger driven fight over and over in his head on repeat, Sirius pulled his coat from his bag, curling into the snow despite how it was making his toes sting and his skin numb. He told himself it was good. He told himself he deserved the pain.

He laid there until he couldn’t keep picturing what had happened and forced himself to get up. He had landed right in the middle of the clearing, and Sirius looked around, wondering what to do. He could go back to Hogwarts, but he didn’t think he could handle seeing anyone right now. Instead, he found his feet carrying him into the forest, no destination in sight.

He walked all day for miles and miles. Every time he thought he was too cold or tired to keep going, he reminded himself of his last encounter with Remus, and it forced himself to continue putting one foot in front of the other. When the sun began to disappear in the sky, Sirius apparated back to the clearing, shaking off the feeling like he was going throw up.

It didn’t take long to start a fire with his wand and clear out some snow. Crackling sounds filled Sirius’ ears, and he watched small tendrils of smoke trailing up towards the sky in an attempt to reach the darkening clouds above.

When night fully rolled around, Sirius curled up near the fire and tried to force himself to sleep. A day of walking should have exhausted him, but he felt cold, and a warm solid weight that was supposed to be tucked under his arm was missing.

The only way that he could force himself to get any sleep was to pretend that he had never blamed Remus for this or left the farm. He pretended that he was back in Remus’ bed, the soft wind billowing in through the window on his wall. Sirius imagined he was holding Remus, and that he could feel his warm breath against his neck. He curled in further on himself, ignoring the tears that were slipping down his cheeks as he held onto the fantasy even stronger. He pretended that instead of the distinct smell of the bonfire in front of him, he could smell chocolate and shampoo. The tears slid down faster.

Sirius woke up with wet eyes, and he was shivering. The fire had gone out while he was asleep, and his back felt sore from how he had been laying. He groaned and pulled himself into a sitting position, deciding it was probably time he stopped hiding. He couldn’t bear going back to Hogwarts right now. None of his friends had stayed for the holidays, and after a day of walking endlessly alone, Sirius desperately needed to talk to someone.

James was still on vacation. Sirius had received a letter from him the first night he was at the farm, and Sirius had assured him that he was fine and informed him that he was staying with Remus. He wasn’t ready to tell James about Remus and him, and even if he was, James wasn’t even home.

His next option was Peter, but if he didn’t want to tell James about him and Remus, he definitely didn’t want to tell Peter. Besides, Peter was in Ireland watching Quidditch, and Sirius didn’t want to ruin his holiday either.

Sirius shifted through his options until it finally hit him. He apparated before he even had time to think.

He landed in front of a medium sized yellow house that had a fence wrapping around the yard. There was a long path leading up to the front porch, and Sirius didn’t start to feel doubt about being here until he knocked on the dark wooded door.

Amanda’s face appeared on the other side of the door, and her eased features scrunched tightly together when she saw Sirius’ face.

“Sirius?” she gasped. “Are you okay? What are you doing here?”

He thought he was going to be fine. He just needed to ask Amanda if he could stay with her, and maybe give up some details about what had happened, but seeing Amanda’s concerned face suddenly made all of his emotions rise back up to the surface. Tears escaped his eyes, and he swiped them away frantically.

“I’m sorry. I had nowhere else to go,” he said, his voice wobbling.

“No, don’t be sorry. Here, come inside,” Amanda offered, placing a gentle hand on Sirius, and guiding him inside. “Goodness, you’re freezing! Sirius, what happened?”

Amanda guided Sirius to the living room, pulled a chair up near what looked like a muggle space heater, and made him sit down.

“My parents kicked me out.”

“What?” Amanda exclaimed, her mouth dropping open. “When? Just now? Why?”

Sirius would have laughed, despite everything, at Amanda’s rapid questioning, but he still couldn’t control how his eyes were watering, and his heart was pounding heavy in his chest.

“It’s not really that, though. I knew they were going to, and then Remus found out, and I blamed him, and everything went to shit,” Sirius blurted, his words coming out in frantic breaths.

“Woah woah woah, slow down. Remus?”

Sirius inhaled a shuddering breath and exhaled a soft sob. Amanda stood up from where she had sat down and turned around.

“I’m going to get you some hot chocolate and a blanket. Just take a deep breath, yeah? You can start from the beginning when I come back.”

Sirius nodded, swiping the tears from his eyes. By the time Amanda came back, he was feeling a bit better, and much less frantic. Amanda sat across from him on a sofa, folding her fingers under her chin.

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. We can just watch tv or something. My parents are spending the night with some family friends on their way home from a business trip, so you can stay here tonight if you need to. If you do want to talk, I’m here to listen,” Amanda said, a faint smile on her lips, her eyes earnest.

Sirius took in a deep stabling breath. “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories about my family,” he started.

Amanda looked like she was struggling with what to say, but then she just nodded solemnly.

“Most of them are true. My parents are in legion with Voldemort, and they’ve been trying to get me to join them for a while now. They gave me an ultimatum, saying that I could either come home and get the Dark Mark this break, or not come home at all.”

Amanda watched Sirius, her eyes growing worried and heavy as she took in what Sirius was saying.

“So you didn’t go home?”

“I was going to. I mean, I thought I had to, but then at the train station, Remus asked me to come home with him.”

Amanda nodded, leaning in intently as Sirius spoke.

“He must have known something was off. He had been,” Sirius swallowed heavily, clearing his throat, “he had been there for me all day, you know, lingering glances and worried touches. I turned him down, but you know how I am with Remus. He said _please,_ and suddenly I was picturing going back with him, spending break with his parents on his farm. The thought of going back home was so terrible that I changed my mind.”

“So then why aren’t you there now?” Amanda asked softly.

Sirius sighed, brushing his fingers through his hair. “I messed up, Amanda. I mean, I _really_ messed up.”

Amanda watched Sirius with open eyes as if to say, _take your time,_ and Sirius was so grateful for it.

When he was finally ready, Sirius started talking again. “You’re the only one who knows about me and Remus. I mean I know Lily figured it out for herself.” Amanda smiled and nodded at his comment, which made Sirius smirk too. “But I haven’t talked to her about it, and you were the first person I thought of.”

“I get it, Sirius. You can tell me what happened between you two, and I swear you won’t get any judgement from me.”

Sirius nodded. He had known that Amanda was accepting of him and Remus, but it still felt weird to talk about. Not too many people would take lightly to the relationship they had created. “Things were going so great. He kissed me the first night, and after that it was like we had always been dating. We talked for hours, spent nights walking through the woods hand in hand, and we fell asleep together every night,” Sirius tried to rush through the good parts. Not only did he not want to go into too many details with Amanda for her sake, but it hurt to talk about the things he would never have again. “We were good. We were talking about our future together,” Sirius’ words cut off.

Amanda watched him for a second. “But then something happened?” she prompted.

Sirius laughed humorlessly, pressing his fingers to his eyes. “Yeah I screwed up, that’s what happened.”

“Maybe it isn’t as bad as you think it is.”

Sirius shook his head. He knew he needed to tell her, but he felt ashamed to even say aloud what he had done. “I got a howler from my parents. It was, hard...to hear everything that my mother said about me. It was hard to hear her say I was actually disowned even though I already knew that was going to happen. Remus hadn’t known about the ultimatum. He didn’t even ask me why I hadn’t told him,” Sirius sobbed, the tears starting to slip out again. He wondered when they were ever going to stop and hated himself for them. “He just reached out to me, saying my name. He asked me to _talk_ to him.” Sirius’ voice broke.

Amanda leaned forward and placed her hand on Sirius’ leg. It wasn’t suggestive at all, just comforting, and Sirius realized he had definitely come to the right person. She didn’t force him to keep talking, and she waited for Sirius to calm down a bit.

“And I just shoved him away. I mean, I actually pushed him back. I just get so angry sometimes, like I’m not even in my own head. I can’t, I can’t control what I do, it’s just anger. Usually Remus helps me, but I just needed to blame someone, and for some reason I had to go and blame him. I was screaming at him, blaming him. I said he forced me to come with him. I…I threw one of his glass cups at the wall.”

“Sirius,” Amanda said, looking like she was going to reach out again.

Sirius shook his head, swiping more tears from his face. “I’ve always been like that. Terrible. But for some reason Remus always took care of me. He didn’t see how ugly and twisted I could be, but then I directed it all at him.”

“Did he make you leave?” Amanda asked softly.

“No,” Sirius scoffed, shaking his head. “No, he was trying to fix things the whole time. He never even yelled back at me, but I—” Sirius didn’t think he would be able to say the next part. “I said something horrible.”

“What did you say?”

Sirius shook his head, burying his face in his hands. He didn’t want to see Amanda’s face when he said it. “I said something stupid about having nothing left, I don’t even really remember, but he told me I had him.” Sirius said the next words like they were glued to the inside of his mouth, and it was near impossible to even get them out. “I told him I didn’t want him, and I stormed out.”

When the words were out in the open, it hurt Sirius even more. He hated that there was a chance Remus had believed him. He hated that he could ever have caused Remus any pain ever. He hated that he had so blatantly lied to him in his stupid rage.

Sirius risked glancing back up at Amanda. She looked sort of like she was at a loss for words.

“But, that’s not true at all, is it?”

“No, no not at all. I love him,” Sirius admitted.

Amanda just nodded at the revelation like she already knew. “There’s still a way you can fix this. You just need to talk to him.”

“But don’t you see? Even if I could fix us, I can’t do that to Remus.”

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked, her face growing confused. “Remus loves you too.”

Sirius shook his head. “Remus is the kindest and purest person that I know. He would forgive anyone close to him for anything, and that’s why I can’t ask for his forgiveness.”

Amanda rose her eyebrow, and before she could even ask why, Sirius continued.

“He deserves so much better than me.”

“Remus wants _you_.” Amanda insisted.

“I’m no good for him. I mean, look what I did.”

“Sirius, you’ve already done this. I mean, wasn’t the whole reason that it took you so so long to be with him was because of these same doubts? Remus loves you. I’m sure of it, and maybe you get angry, but Remus sees why. It’s normal for people who have gone through abuse like you to have side effects like that. Maybe you just need to get help. There are people you can talk to for this. You need to stop questioning whether you’re good enough for Remus and let him decide that for himself. I don’t know much about Remus, but I’ve seen the scars on his face, some on his arms. I know it isn’t my place to say, but I’m assuming he has trauma too, and from what I can see, I think you need him just as much as he needs you,” Amanda said, her voice unwavering as she spoke.

Sirius stared at Amanda, not knowing what to say. She was right, of course she was right, but it didn’t matter. How could he even ask Remus to take him back?

Amanda’s words had cut straight to his heart, and he felt himself trembling as he spoke. “How can I fix this?”

Amanda sighed. “Eventually, you need to go to him, but I think you need to calm down a bit first. Give him some time to think, give yourself some time to think. Stay here as long as you need.” Sirius nodded along. She was right again. “How did you get here by the way?” Amanda asked.

“I may or may not have apparated.”

Amanda didn’t even look surprised. She just rolled her eyes. “You know that you need a license for that, right?”

Sirius shrugged.

“Come on, let’s put a movie in or something to take your mind off all of this.”

Sirius moved to the couch and watched Amanda put something in. When the credits were rolling, Sirius couldn’t even say what the movie had been about, he was so distracted, but it had been nice to have playing in the background.

They made sandwiches in the kitchen, and they sat at the table to eat. They talked for a long time, swapping stories both good and bad, and before he knew it, nighttime was rolling around again.

Amanda showed Sirius to the bathroom, and he took a quick shower, turning the faucet to as hot as it would reach, and he let the water burn his shoulders. When he was done, Amanda brought him to a room that looked foreign to him. It was the definition of a normal muggle girl’s room. There were college banners on the wall and a poster of a person Sirius didn’t recognize. The walls were blue, and there was a desk in the corner, littered with random things. Sirius used to try and decorate his room with muggle stuff like this, but his parents had thrown all of it away the night they had cut his hair. That felt like so long ago now. 

“Who’s room is this?” Sirius asked, glancing around.

“My older sister’s. My parents are muggles, and I’m the only one who got magic, so she’s at college right now. You can sleep in here, bed’s clean, I promise.”

“Sure she won’t mind?” Sirius asked.

“Please, Grace only uses this room when she comes to visit here and there. She’s got an apartment on campus.”

Sirius didn’t know what that meant, but he nodded anyways. “Well, thanks.”

“No problem, come get me if you need anything. My room is down the hall.”

Sirius nodded again.

It was easier to pretend that nothing had gone wrong tonight because he didn’t have to ignore the cold or the smell of fire. He pulled the blanket around him, picturing the way Remus sometimes pulled it away from him just to tease him. Sirius let his mind linger to more painful memories than he had let his mind last night.

He let himself think about how Remus felt underneath him, his body pressing up against Sirius. He pictured the way Remus sucked in his breath and squeezed his eyes shut when Sirius kissed down his body. He imagined the sweet tired face that Remus had as he kissed Sirius’ cheek and neck gently before they went to sleep.

Sirius didn’t know when the memories ended and the dream began.

They were in the shed, and Sirius was on the floor fixing up the bike. It must have been hot because Sirius’ hair was sticking to his face. Sirius wanted to look around to see if Remus was with him, but for some reason his eyes wouldn’t stray from the task at hand.

A sound at the door alerted Sirius to Remus’ presence, but still he could not look up, no matter how hard he tried to crane his neck.

“Won’t you look at me?” Remus asked, his voice sounding warm and sweet like maple syrup.

Sirius’ mind desperately told him to look up, but nothing happened. Remus walked across the small room, squatting down in front of Sirius so that finally his face came into view. He reached his hand out, his fingers finding Sirius’ face. Sirius smiled at Remus, and he tugged him down into his lap.

Remus went easily, pressing himself against Sirius so that he could kiss him soundly. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ back, leaning forward so that he could lower Remus down the floor, but then Remus suddenly pulled away.

“What are you doing?” Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled, bringing his fingers up under Remus’ shirt to trace down his bare skin. “Kissing you,” he responded.

Remus pulled away even further, dropping his hands from Sirius’ face. “But you said you didn’t want me,” Remus responded. His voice had changed from his syrupy tone to something twisted and dark that Sirius didn’t recognize.

“No that’s not true,” Sirius insisted, reaching his hand out to pull Remus back to him.

“Yes it is. You said it, and you never lie to me.”

Before Sirius realized what was happening, Remus was suddenly across the room. He was standing with stiff posture at the door. Sirius stood up, walking towards him. He tried to reach out, to take Remus in his arms and feel him close, but all of the sudden, Remus was unreachable. No matter how hard he tried, Sirius couldn’t get to him.

“You did this,” Remus said over and over again in that eerie voice. “This is your fault.”

“No,” Sirius gasped. “No, I didn’t mean to. Remus, please, I’m sorry.”

Remus shook his head and turned to leave, letting the door stay open so that Sirius could see him walking away. Sirius tried to chase after him, but his legs wouldn’t move, and he screamed helplessly after Remus, watching as he grew farther and farther away from him.

Sirius woke with a start, the words, “it’s my fault,” still on the tip of his tongue.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo despite the fact that this chapter took me FOREVER to post, I actually just now wrote it really quick, so I apologize for any mistakes. I’ll probably go back and edit it later, but I just wanted to get it up for everyone who was waiting for an update. Thanks to all of you for being so patient with me and my horrible procrastination! <3

Sirius left Amanda’s house four days later. He told her that he was leaving to go back to the Lupin farm to resolve things with Remus, but instead Sirius spent the rest of holiday at Hogwarts, unable to bring himself to face the problem that he created.

He ate too much food during the day, and puked most of it up at night while he drank.

None of Sirius’ friends had stayed this year, so Sirius wandered around aimlessly, dreading when school would start, and he would have to see Remus’ wonderful face again. What would he say when he did see him?

He definitely hadn’t been planning on it being a startled, “Oh,” but when Remus had walked into their dorm room; a few strands of golden hair falling against his sun kissed forehead; honey eyes sparkling in that way that Sirius had been trying to forget; and a loose white shirt that hung low enough that Sirius got a good look at the line of his neck and his sharp profile, the word had slipped right from his lips before Sirius had even known it was there.

Remus glanced at Sirius quickly after Sirius’ escaped word, and then ducked his head, a sadness filling his eyes. Sirius thought about it, and began to panic over what Remus could have possibly interpreted that as. Because although to Sirius it had been an, _oh he’s so beautiful,_ he worried that Remus might see it as a sarcastic, _oh great you’re here._ Sirius wondered if he was overanalyzing things too much.

“Moony!” James exclaimed from his place across Sirius. They were in the middle of a game of wizard’s chess, but Sirius was losing by a long shot, which didn’t usually happen.

“Hey, Prongs,” Remus offered, his voice breaking a bit as he spoke. None of the other’s caught it, but Sirius did.

Sirius was already unpacked because he had been back for a bit, but the others spent the evening unpacking and settling back in. It was hard to subtly watch Remus when all he wanted to do was look at him, but Sirius stuck to small glances here and there as they all spoke. Remus seemed good for the most part other than the fact that after that first glance, he had not looked at Sirius since.

Not even that night when Sirius had stumbled back to their room drunk, only to find Remus leaning against his headboard; lamp on, and a book in hand. Remus only placed the book on his night table, clicked the lamp off, and curled over on his side like he hadn’t even seen Sirius enter the room.

Sirius had climbed into bed, too drunk to analyze the fact that Remus had stayed up for him, and too drunk to not let this remind Sirius of the night before holiday had started when Remus had waited up for him in the same exact way. That night, Sirius had folded up around Remus in bed and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Now, Sirius lay on his back, alone and cold, letting his mind wander over the memories that he would never let himself have again.

It was hard to get to sleep because Sirius was waiting to hear Remus’ breaths even out, but Remus wasn’t falling asleep, so Sirius wasn’t falling asleep. He hoped Remus wasn’t staying up because of him. He hoped that Remus could move on quickly.

Sirius was going to apologize to Remus. He knew that. He had to. He owed it to Remus. He was going to apologize for being a complete and utter prat, and then he was not going to let himself get back together with Remus even if he did miraculously forgive him because he knew that he didn’t deserve Remus’ forgiveness no matter how badly he wanted it, and he knew that Remus could find someone so much better than Sirius.

The next morning, Sirius didn’t wake up because he had not actually fallen asleep. He forced himself to act like he wasn’t running on no sleep and walked with everyone else to the Great Hall.

Across from him, Remus had his nose stuck in a book, which was not unusual, but Sirius saw it as the hiding tactic that it was. Nobody else paid any mind to Remus. In fact, James seemed to be focusing on everyone instead of the people sitting around him.

“Oi, Prongs. What are you doing?” Wormtail asked, twirling his fork back and forth in his eggs.

“Solving a mystery,” James replied.

There was a long pause as everyone stared at James, even Remus taking the time to glance up at him for a second, but James continued to keep his eyes trained on the large room, scanning through the faces of everyone he could see. He did not care to clarify anything.

“What mystery?” Wormtail finally asked, taking James’ bait.

“Only the greatest mystery to ever roam the halls of Hogwarts.”

Sirius was too tired for this, but he was also too curious to let James’ antics slide unnoticed. Remus had returned to his book, but Peter was still looking at James in that confused manor of his, so Sirius rose his eyebrows at him, prodding him to continue prodding James.

“Which is…?”

James finally paused his search, turning to the table to look right at Sirius.

“Don’t think I haven’t forgotten that you’re in love with someone, and you aren’t telling us who it is.”

At this, Remus’ head shot up from his book, his face instantly turning red as he realized what he did. For the first time in what Sirius felt like was forever, the two boys made eye contact. It wasn’t long enough for Sirius to read Remus’ thoughts because Remus quickly ducked his head again. 

“Uhh, James I thought we had been over this. It’s not true,” With all of Sirius’ lying, he was really doing a crappy job at it this time. Even Wormtail didn’t look like he was buying it.

The only one who did seem to believe him was Remus whose face Sirius never failed to be able to read. That fact alone was enough to make Sirius feel nauseous. He needed to apologize to Remus, and he needed to do it fast. He couldn’t stand for Remus to go around thinking Sirius had meant all of those horrible things that he had said.

“Do you even hear yourself?” James laughed. “You’re totally besotted with someone.”

“Why do you care so much anyways?” Sirius asked.

James let out a fake dramatic gasp and covered his mouth. “Why do I care?” he exclaimed. “Maybe because I’m your best mate, that’s why.”

Sirius shook his head and rolled his eyes, hoping that this would just go away.

Except that three days later, and James still wasn’t finished.

“Please tell me it’s not that Jamie girl from Slytherin,” James said as he sprawled out on his bed, tossing a quaffle up in the air above him and then catching it.

Sirius wrinkled his nose. “No, of course not.” The mere thought of liking her over Remus made Sirius cringe internally.

“Samantha?” Sirius shook his head. He was trying to focus on writing a paper that was due soon, but he was having trouble with James’ unending questions. “Rachel?” Sirius shook his head. “Grace” Sirius shook his head. “McKenna?”

Remus must have been having a hard time writing also because he let out a long heavy sigh, turning his head to glare at James.

“Okay, okay I’ll stop,” James informed, dropping the quaffle that he had been tossing right on his face. “After one more.”

Sirius groaned.

“Mary?”

“No. The answer is no. To this girl, to the earlier ones, and to all of the ones that you have not asked yet,” Sirius huffed, combing his hair back with his fingers.

James sighed loudly and flopped onto his back, arms and legs sprawled out on either side of him. “I’ll figure it out one of these days.”

———

“What house do you think she’s in?” James asked Remus as he scanned the library.

“No clue,” Remus muttered, his voice sounding angrier than he had meant it to sound.

“I can probably rule out Slytherin. I mean, with it being Sirius and all, and the fact that there was no Slytherins at the party.”

“Right.” Remus continued to scribble harshly on his parchment, hashing out his essay in a sweep of furious annoyance.

“I don’t think he would fall for a Hufflepuff either. I mean, he used to despise Amanda.”

Remus gave up on responding. James wasn’t really talking to him anyways.

“And I feel like it can’t possibly be someone in Gryffindor because surely we would have figured it out then. I mean Sirius wasn’t exactly being discreet about it at the party.”

“Oh my god James can you shut up for one bloody minute!” Remus burst out, slamming his book shut and scooping up all of his belongings in one swift motion. James’ face stilled and then changed to one of shock as he stared up at Remus who had never once raised his voice like that, and especially not in the library of all places.

James’ dumbstruck expression only angered Remus more, and he whipped around, marching furiously towards the door. Of course, just then Peter and Sirius decided to show up.

Sirius’ steps faltered as his eyes fell on Remus, and Remus stared right back, fury filling his head because Sirius was looking at him with that worried expression that he had been giving him since first year, and who was he to worry about Remus anymore? Sirius didn’t have any right looking at him like that, and he certainly didn’t have any right to continuously make Remus feel things for him no matter how many mistakes he kept making.

It was all too much, so Remus continued forward, shoving Sirius a little with his shoulder as he left. Sirius stumbled back a couple steps, mumbling, “Remus?” At the same time that Peter said, “What’s got him all riled up?”

Remus didn’t stop as he marched up the stairs, heat boiling hot on his face because when Sirius had said his name, all Remus could hear were all of his words from the past weeks, echoing up and spilling through his head in a cacophony of numbing memories that had Remus falling to the floor, books spilled across the cold stones, and arms wrapped tightly around his knees.

 _I will always want you,_ rang in his ears. _I’m not going to waste anymore time now,_ haunted his thoughts. _You’re beautiful,_ fluttered behind his tear-stained eyes. _You don’t have to hide from me,_ bounced through his mind.

 _I love you,_ pierced straight into his heart.

Remus sobbed right there in whatever dark hallway he had found himself in because he didn’t know what was real anymore, and he didn’t know how to keep acting like nothing had happened, and he didn’t want to keep seeing Sirius’ worried face or keep hearing James prattling on and on about some girl that Sirius was supposedly in love with. He couldn’t keep doing it.

“Remus?” Sirius’ unmistakable voice said from a bit aways.

The memories grew louder in his head.

Remus wiped away his tears quickly, almost violently, and jumped to his feet, jerking his arm away from Sirius who had his hand outstretched towards him.

“ _Don’t_ touch me,” Remus demanded. _Don’t make me feel this way anymore. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t leave me,_ he added in his head.

Sirius quickly retracted his hand like it had been burned. “Remus, I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” Remus scoffed, his tears dissipating as his anger kicked in. He wondered if this was what Sirius felt like all those times he had received an owl from his family or spent weekends stuck with them. If so, he almost felt pity for him because this was pain, heavy and biting. Hot like fire that licked up through his veins, and uncontrollable. “You’re sorry,” Remus repeated.

“Yes,” Sirius responded, his voice sounding desperate now.

“For which part? The lies? The leading me on? The broken fucking heart that you left me with in my kitchen?”

Remus didn’t know where the words had come from. He didn’t even know this feeling had been trapped under Remus’ skin ever since the incident. He only knew that it was here now, and Remus couldn’t stand it.

“For all of it,” Sirius cried. “For everything. But, Remus, I never lied.”

Remus laughed humorlessly, his voice growing louder. “You never lied? Really. Because I seem to recall you telling me two completely different things, and only one of them can be true, so—”

“No, that’s not, that’s not what I mean. I mean, I did lie, but not before that day. Everything I said before the howler was true, Remus, I swear.”

“So, you just thought it would be fun to tell me you didn’t want me anymore?” Remus asked, his voice sounding pained and cruel.

“No, no of course not! I don’t know why I said it. I never should have blamed you for anything. None of that was your fault, and I was just so angry, I wasn’t thinking straight, but none of it was true.”

Remus hated Sirius for this. He hated how badly he wanted to just give in to his apology and let things go back to normal. He hated that he wanted to let himself fall for Sirius’ tricks again. Remus was still desperately in love with Sirius, and deep down he desired to fix everything between them no matter how much he knew that Sirius would just hurt him all over again, and those feelings that he still felt made him even angrier with Sirius. 

“I’m not just some person that you can be with for a week and drop like they’re nothing, Sirius! Not like all those girls you were with! I’m not a…a trophy, or whatever else you thought I was over holiday. You don’t get to just make things right, now that you realize things are weird because we see each other so much unlike everyone else that you’ve dumped.”

“That’s not—” Sirius’ face filled with a deep pain, and more tears spilled from his eyes. “That’s not what I was doing. You weren’t a… _trophy_ to me.” Sirius practically gagged out the word like it physically hurt him to say. “You were everything, Remus.”

Remus shook his head in disbelief. “So, what, you expect me to just accept your apology, and go back to when I was ‘everything’ to you like nothing ever happened?”

“No, no of course not. I know I messed up, Remus, and I hate myself for hurting you. I don’t expect you to do anything or even forgive me, I just don’t want you thinking that you were in any way to blame for my parents... you know, and I didn’t want you thinking I didn’t want you because I did.”

Remus rose his eyebrows at Sirius, feeling the pain burn deep in his chest. “ _Did_?” he asked, hating himself. Hating that he still cared about this when he should just be angry at Sirius. Hating that after everything that had happened, there was still a part in Remus that just wanted to hear that Sirius still loved him, even if it was a lie.

“Or, do. I _do_ want you,” Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius rushed on to finish what he was going to say, “but I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I certainly don’t deserve to want you or be with you.”

“So you don’t want me, then,” Remus concluded.

“No, I do! But I don’t want to be _with_ you.” Remus felt his face fill with unmistakable pain before he could conceal it. “No! No I didn’t say that right. Ah, I’m not explaining any of this right,” Sirius muttered, angry with himself. He stepped forward again, hand outstretched, but Remus stepped back.

“I said don’t touch me!”

“Sorry! Sorry. Remus, I’m so sorry, just let me explain better.”

Remus shook his head, stepping back further. “No, I don’t have to let you do anything. I listened to you, and now I just really need to not see you anymore.”

Remus forced himself to start walking away. He heard Sirius take a couple steps and give a weak, “Remus,” that was almost enough to make Remus stop all together, but instead he kept walking and ended their conversation with a forced, “don’t follow me.”

And Sirius didn’t.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings:  
> \- Remus’ depression and self hate is more obvious in this chapter (nothing too serious)  
> \- Violent nightmare at the beginning that includes blood and character death. If you need to skip it, stop reading at “Remus was in a forest” and start reading again at the bolded, “2. Breakfast“

Remus was having the worst day ever.

Looking back, Remus began to imagine a long bolded list of every last bad thing that had happened, and he wondered how things could have gone so terribly off course. If the list was real, he supposed he would have to start with:

  1. **The nightmare**



Remus woke up in a cold sweat, images from his dream flooding through his brain so fast that he had to force himself to think of something else. It made sense that the heaviest dreams tended to stick around longer than the lighter ones, but that didn’t stop it from being any less cruel.

His first instinct was to turn to Sirius, and he almost climbed out of bed to go to him when the past weeks came rushing back to him, and he forced himself not to move instead.

It was still dark outside, and Remus’ clock read 4:30 AM. He sighed heavily, untangling his bedsheets from his legs in an attempt to breathe better.

He hadn’t had a werewolf dream for a long time, and it took much longer for Remus to even get himself to lay down again because usually by now, Sirius would have padded over to his bed, or Remus would have woken him up.

Instead, Remus lay still, listening to the sound of the empty air, and forcing himself to push his dream and Sirius out of his mind. It took him an hour before he finally fell back to sleep, and almost immediately, the images picked up right back where they started, which hadn’t happened to Remus since before Sirius had started helping him through his nightmares.

Remus was in a forest. He assumed it was the forbidden forest, but it was somehow even darker, and the trees were dripping with a suspicious red liquid that didn’t exactly seem out of place. Looking down, Remus noticed that it was not his normal body and arms that he saw, but instead it was fur and dark paws.

He snarled and moved forward through the forest, jumping over the brush and zipping past the dripping trees. Eventually, his paws dug into the wet earth, and he came to a halt in a large clearing. There were fireflies everywhere, and at once, Remus recognized the clearing from home, except this wasn’t home because the trees were still oozing, and the sky was still darker than it really ought to be, and the fireflies were not glowing yellow but instead an eerie red that made Remus instantly on edge.

A dark silhouette stepped out of the forest across from Remus, and as he grew closer, the flickering red lights of the bugs lit up his face, but Remus did not need to see his face before he knew that it was Sirius because he was dreaming, and sometimes you just knew things in dreams. Things that you wouldn’t usually know. Remus also knew that something was very off.

Remus felt his paws lurch forward on their own volition, and he could not stop them from moving. Part of him didn’t want to stop. He wanted to go to Sirius, didn’t he? Sirius was the only familiar thing here in the unfamiliar forest. The other part of him screamed to stop. It was the part of him that was awake during a dream. The tiny part of him that said, _this is a dream, wake up._ He was a werewolf right now. If he went to Sirius, he knew what would happen. Of course, that part was never listened to.

By the time Remus had bounded over to Sirius who stretched his hand out to pet the top of his head, innocent and trusting, Remus could feel the panic rising in his chest. He wanted to look away, but looking away wasn’t an option when you were trapped inside your own head, so instead Remus watched as he lunged forward, latching onto Sirius’ outstretched hand with his sharp teeth.

Sirius’ scream echoed through his head, but still, he did not wake up. Instead, he felt himself lurching forward, tearing and biting at any place that his teeth could find, and just when Remus thought it was finally over because Sirius’ body had suddenly disappeared in front of him, Remus felt his canine eyes glancing up into the darkness.

And just like that, the dripping trees made sense. Hundreds of bodies hung lifelessly in the trees, their blood dripping down slowly like sap onto the cool forest floor. His eyes moved slowly over each face, but their eyes did not move with his. They stared right back at him, their gazes empty.

He saw James first, and then Peter, Lily, Amanda, Marlene, Dorcas, Frank, Alice. He saw his teachers hanging with them, his mum, his dad. Lastly, his gaze landed on Sirius who hung right in the center, his body mangled and limp from what Remus had done to him. Blood dripped out of his mouth.

Remus woke up screaming.

  1. **Breakfast**



The Marauders had all insisted on bringing food back to Remus for breakfast, but all that Remus wanted to do was get out of his suffocating room and see his classmates again, alive and well. Despite how tired he was, he got changed and made his way down to the Great Hall with James, Sirius, and Peter. He focused on ignoring Sirius who was very obviously glancing at him every few seconds because Remus wasn’t in the mood to start yelling at him again for worrying over him.

Honestly, he focused on ignoring everyone because even James and Peter kept glancing at Remus like he was going to fall apart any second, which wasn’t exactly unrealistic, but it was still annoying.

They were mostly quiet as they ate. Usually when Remus had bad nights, Sirius switched places with Peter, cheering him up by piling bagels on top of his plate and finding little discreet ways to touch him; a playful tap on the shoulder, or a gentle brush of their hands as they grabbed food from the table. Sirius did not switch spots with Peter today, which caused Peter to sit tensely besides Remus. James was quieter than usual, and nobody seemed to want to start a conversation.

“Is, is there…something uh,” James started, sounding daft.

All three boys stared at him as he struggled to get his sentence together.

“Istheresomethingwrongbetweenyoutwo?” James blurted out, motioning between Sirius and Remus.

The question caught Remus off guard.

“Really, James? You had to ask that right now?” Sirius said, his gray eyes looking almost black. There were deep bags under them, and his hair was curling messily around his ears. His tie wasn’t even tied, and it lay around his neck like he had just gotten back from a party or something. To be fair, he usually wore his tie this way, but today it looked more sad and desperate than cool and purposeful.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Remus mumbled.

“Something seems wrong,” Wormtail piped up.

“Well, _you’re_ wrong because there’s not anything wrong,” Remus said passive aggressively.

Sirius rubbed his eyes tiredly, and Remus had the urge to do the same.

“Okay, I don’t usually push these things, but honestly this is getting ridiculous. Obviously something happened between you two over holiday because Sirius left your house early, and you two haven’t been the same since. I mean, seriously, usually Sirius would be all over you after a nightmare like that, but he hasn’t said a word until a few seconds ago.”

“He wouldn’t be _all over me,_ ” Remus mumbled, picking at his food with his fork.

“Yes he would,” James muttered back, and then much stronger said, “Somebody tell us what is going on right now.”

Peter’s face paled at being included in ‘us’ and he looked nervously between Remus and Sirius who were both obviously ignoring each other for their food that they weren’t eating.

“James, please, just listen to Remus,” Sirius pleaded quietly, not even looking up from his plate.

Remus looked up at Sirius cautiously. Remus remembered his apology again and thought of how nice it would have been to have had Sirius last night when his dream struck.

He wasn’t even mad at him anymore. He didn’t really know where his outburst had come from. All he knew was that Sirius’ angry outbursts had never fazed him before. So, Sirius was messed up. Well, Remus was too.

It was the fact that Remus didn’t know if he would ever be able to undoubtedly believe that Sirius loved him ever again that kept him from running back to Sirius. He had already had a hard time with it. It wasn’t easy for Remus to see what other people saw in him, but he had always felt cared about by Sirius. Always. And suddenly, he didn’t know so much anymore. Suddenly he was comparing himself too all of Sirius’ past girlfriends, and suddenly what happened between Sirius and them seemed a whole lot like what happened between Sirius and Remus, and he couldn’t believe he had fallen for it.

Except that Sirius had said that wasn’t what it was. Sirius had apologized and promised that everything he said during his outburst was a lie. Was it fair of Remus to not believe him? He supposed it wasn’t because Sirius had never once in his entire life given Remus any reason to believe that he didn’t care about him until that day, and that had happened right after his parents had literally disowned him.

Remus wrestled with his mind, fighting with himself until what seemed like the thousandth time already, the nightmare began to resurface in his thoughts.

Even now, he could still see the image of Sirius dead, and it forced him to let his gaze linger on Sirius a little longer, trying to reassure himself that Sirius was fine, that Remus hadn’t hurt him. Other than how tired Sirius looked, and underneath the tired eyes, sadness, Sirius looked alive and healthy.

All of this got Remus thinking about what would happen if his nightmares ever did come true. If Remus somehow hurt Sirius, and they were still fighting, and they never got to resolve things. Remus looked down, rubbing his eyes to get the idea out of his thoughts.

James sighed heavily, startling Remus. “Fine, but if you two don’t stop ignoring each other and acting like prats, I’m going to press this so much more.”

Remus folded his arms, dropping his head into them on the table because he dreaded when James would actually go through with his warning, and he hated that he had caught onto Sirius and Remus even thought they had been trying to act like everything was fine, and he hated that right now the only person he wanted to go to was the one person that he couldn’t.

  1. **Late for class**



“Moony, don’t you have a class right now?” Peter asked, waking him up from where he was fast asleep in the common room.

Remus rubbed his eyes and looked up at Peter. “Wha- no I have an hour before Alchemy,” he slurred, wondering how he had fallen asleep in the middle of his study time.

“Uh, supper is in an hour?”

“What!”

Remus jumped from his seat, scooping all of his things up hastily and running towards the door. His class had started twenty minutes ago. By the time he made it to the large metal door of the room, his heart was pounding, and he yawned right before slipping inside. He could have just missed it, but they had a test coming up, and Remus couldn’t afford failing it.

Being a werewolf meant that he had to work twice as hard at school especially during special classes like this because little to nobody would want to hire a werewolf as it was. Nonetheless, an unqualified werewolf.

He tried to make it to his seat quietly next to Lily, but as Remus walked along the edge of the class, the professor turned around, his white mustache jumping with every word, and said very loudly, “Nice of you to join us Mr Lupin.”

Remus felt his face burn up as the class snickered, and he ducked his head, forcing himself to stop thinking about it.

That’s all he had been doing all day.

Forcing himself to stop thinking about the nightmare. Stop thinking about Sirius. Stop thinking about James catching onto them. Stop thinking about his professors biting words.

Just. Stop. Thinking.

  1. **Revealed past**



They were all outside, trying to get some fresh air in before dinner time. They were laying in a line on the hill, the grass tickling their necks, and the wind whipping through their hair.

Sirius was wearing a black leather jacket that smelled like alcohol, and he looked a little queasy. James had his arms crossed under his neck, and he was whispering to Sirius, his words getting caught in the wind, but to Remus it sort of sounded like reassurances. Peter was picking dandelions as he told Remus about something that happened in his class.

Remus was falling.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. Sirius was hurting, and Remus was hurting, and nobody was saying anything. It was like all of their words were getting swept away by the wind the same way that James’ whispers were right then. He wanted to stop falling, but there was nothing to hold onto, and there was no ground beneath him to end this, to end it all. He wished that there was. The full moon was coming up soon, and Remus started to wonder if he was even strong enough to make it through this one.

Really, he had never been strong enough. When he was a kid, he had practically been a walking advertisement for Fear, and he only ever ended his endorsement when he joined Gryffindor and met Sirius, and then it was Sirius who was his bravery, and now he had nothing.

Gryffindor: the house for the courageous. Remus scoffed internally. What had the sorting hat even been thinking? At the time he had been sorted, Remus thought he was going to throw up solely on the fact that there was so many eyes on him. What if it had all been a mistake? What if Remus hadn’t belonged in any of the houses, so the hat had thrown him randomly here just to mess with him.

“Moony, are you okay?” Peter’s voice cut through the thick of his thoughts.

He looked up from where he had been staring at nothing, and ever so slightly, his head shook, _no_. He told himself not to cry. He was okay. Remus rubbed a scar on the back of his palm. He was okay.

“What’s wrong?”

Remus glanced at James and Sirius. Sirius had his eyes shut, and his arms squeezed tight over his chest. James was still talking to him. They didn’t seem to be paying attention.

“Why do you think I got in Gryffindor, Pete?”

“Because you’re brave,” Peter answered immediately.

Remus laughed humorlessly. “No I’m not.” He was ready for Peter to give him some long winded speech about how he faced being a werewolf every month as if it was a choice.

“Yes you are. You sign up for so many classes each year, and you’re so smart.”

Remus gave Peter a dubious look. “You do realize that those things seem more Ravenclaw than Gryffindor right?”

“No, it’s not that you signed up for those classes, it’s that you’re so confident about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean every time anyone asks you what your marks are going to be, you already know your going to pass each class with flying colors. Confidence is it’s own form of bravery. I’ve never seen you back down from spells that make my stomach churn just thinking about. I’ve never seen you shy away from any creature in Care of Magical Creatures that every other student is wary about. I’ve never seen you give up on a potion or an assignment, or anything really.”

“How do any of those things mean I’m brave. I’m good at school, so what? I’m not brave, Wormtail. I’m always scared. About the future, about being a werewolf, about everything,” Remus listed. He didn’t say the last thought that was on the tip of his tongue; that he was scared of himself.

Peter laughed lightly. “Did you even hear me? Besides, Gryffindors aren’t just brave. They’re determined, stubborn, and they don’t back down from anything.”

Remus smiled softly against the roughness of his mind. Peter might be right. Maybe Remus was a Gryffindor, but that didn’t stop the feeling inside himself that said, _Weak. Fearful. Monster._

“Thanks Pete. Not like those things really matter.”

“What do you mean?” Peter asked.

“I’m a werewolf. If you said ‘he’s a determined, smart, stubborn werewolf who doesn’t back down from anything’, there’s only one word that anybody will hear.” Remus’ voice was trembling now. _Stop thinking,_ he told himself. _Don’t cry._

“Remus, is this about that thing with the girl a couple summers ago?” Peter asked softly.

“Pete-” Remus burst out to try and cut his sentence off, but it was too late. Peter’s face filled with realization, and his head lurched over to where James and Sirius were laying.

Sirius had his eyes closed, and he looked unfazed, but James stopped what he was saying and turned a bit towards them.

“Wait what are you guys talking about?” he asked, looking confused.

“Nothing,” Peter said but in that tone that said there was definitely something being talked about. Sirius looked up from where he was laying. Remus hid his face in his hands for a second.

“What?” Sirius asked, having not heard anything.

“All I heard was girl from two summers ago? Who were you talking about?” James asked.

Peter looked to Remus, and Remus looked back at Peter, shaking his head in a pleading no.

“Uhhh, nobody… what?” Peter said, which was real convincing.

“Can somebody please tell me what I missed?” Sirius sighed.

Three sets of eyes turned towards Remus, and he scratched the back of his head, looking between them all nervously. Finally, he sighed, knowing there wasn’t really a way out of this.

“A couple summers ago,” Remus started, “I met this girl, Amber. She lived in a neighboring farm, and we used to go to Muggle school together before I was bit and pulled from school and then switched to Hogwarts, but once I left we never really talked again. Then one day we ran into each other at the market and started talking.”

“Merlin’s beard, I cannot believe where this is going,” James said wide-eyed, leaning into where Remus was sitting.

Remus shook his head and tried to laugh, but it came out as a weak cough. He didn’t know how he was going to manage to finish this story. “After a while of us meeting up, turns out she knew I was a wizard.”

“What!” James exclaimed.

“How?” Sirius asked, his voice much more reserved, his eyes shielded. Remus met them for a second. There was pain hidden behind the shield.

“She said she used to see weird things happen around me when we were kids. You know, the normal wizard stuff. Random things moving and lights turning on. Then, she told me about this one time I was four-wheeling on a path by her house with my father. I didn’t know she was there, and I guess my dad didn’t either. My wheel got stuck in some mud, and when my dad went around to push it, I started getting antsy. I was tired and cold, normal little kid stuff, and I wanted to go home, so just like that, the mud went away, and suddenly the four wheeler was moving again. My dad looked around to make sure that nobody saw anything, but I guess he didn’t see Amber.

“She didn’t mind, though, that I was a wizard. She was…curious and inquisitive. It was fun being able to talk about magic with a muggle. I’ve always been so part of both worlds, but both worlds have never been apart of each other, and suddenly they were.”

“Wait, so you didn’t obliviate her?” Sirius asked, looking shocked.

Remus shook his head a little; a silent no. Even Peter looked intrigued even though he had already heard the story once before.

“I liked her, and she liked me, and I couldn’t find it in myself to erase those memories. She swore she would never tell anybody, and I believed her. We continued to hang out that summer, and at some point things changed between us, and we…” Remus glanced up at Sirius for a second before ducking his head again. He didn’t want to see Sirius’ expression. “We fell for each other.”

James gasped dramatically, and Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on him. He continued on.

“There was, someone, someone else who I cared about at the time, but I didn’t think that they would ever return those feelings, so it was new and exciting, you know, those reciprocated feelings.”

Remus took a deep breath. “Things were going good, but Amber was smart and so so observant. I mean, she noticed my magic when we were just kids. I disappeared for a while each month, and it was getting harder for me to explain my scars and injuries. They’re a lot,” Remus struggled to get the words out, “ _worse_ when you guys aren’t there with me.”

Sirius flinched from where he was sitting, and James’ face grew solemn.

“I hated lying to her, but I was terrified. How was I supposed to tell her that I was a werewolf? Soon, the summer was nearing to an end, and things were tense between us. I couldn’t bear to leave on a bad note. She was always saying those things like, ‘I’ll love you no matter what’ and ‘nothing could change the way I feel about you'. You know, those lies that naïve people tell. I believed her, though, because I was young and naïve too, and suddenly I didn’t think it would be so bad if I told her.”

At that moment, James stretched his hand out and placed it on Remus’ arm, his eyes looking worried. Remus smiled weakly and took in a shaky breath.

“She didn’t believe me. Of course she didn’t believe me. It made things worse because then we were fighting not only because I wouldn’t tell her what was up, but also because I lied to her. She thought that my parents were hurting me or something. She remembered when suddenly my parents had pulled me from school when I was younger, and how she rarely saw me leave the house again. I guess it would make sense for her to think that, but I didn’t want to let her think that about my parents.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Pete said softly.

“So…I finally decided to show her. The transformation.”

The air around them suddenly grew quiet and still, as if there was a shift in the energy as everybody realized the dread of the story.

“It was safe for her. I was chained up like usual, and she was standing behind a windowed door, but the next morning, I couldn’t find her. I called and went to her house, but her parents kept telling me she wasn’t home. A day before I had to go back to Hogwarts, she showed up. She could barely look at me, and she kept her distance the whole time, never once stepping near me. She said that it was best we didn’t see each other anymore. I tried to explain myself, I tried to tell her about Greyback and how it was only once a month, but she wouldn’t listen. She called me a _monster,”_ Remus spat that last sentence out with more emotion than he had meant to.

Daring to look up at his friends’ faces, Remus was met with even more emotions of their own. Peter looked upset. He had heard the story before and had had more time to let it sink in. James looked appalled and disgusted, like he couldn’t possibly fathom any of this. Remus expected Sirius to look angry, but what he saw was so much worse. It was pure hurt. Pain and sadness like Remus had never seen, and he looked like he was about to reach out to Remus, and Remus realized that that was what he wanted.

He wanted Sirius to reach out, and he wanted to fall into his embrace, and he never wanted him to let go because Remus loved Sirius. He wanted to forget everything and restart. He wanted so much, but it didn’t matter. It never mattered because the moment that Remus became a werewolf, it no longer mattered what he wanted.

He had learned then that the world was cruel. It was like there was two sides, and the moment you were born, it was decided which side you were on. There was the side where it was okay to want. It was realistic and deserved, and if you hoped and dreamed, those things came true. And then there was the other side where the world said no. No, you don’t get your way. No, you are the way that you are, and there’s no going back. No, you do not deserve to be loved.

Sirius did not reach out, and Remus did not hold on because Remus was on this side that said no.

“Remus, I’m so sorry,” James whispered, his hand squeezing his arm gently. “I don’t know how she could’ve said that.”

Remus wiped away a few escaped tears. “It’s fine, it happened a while ago. Anyways, I had to obliviate her then. I couldn’t let her tell anybody about me. I took away all of her memories of me that summer, but really, I just wished I could take away all of my memories of her that summer because I kept seeing them over and over again. It was my fault. I don’t know why I expected anything good to come out of it, but yeah. When I got back, I told Peter because I wasn’t as close with James at the time and—” Remus almost said that he still fancied Sirius, but he caught himself at the last moment. “and Peter asked me if I was okay.”

They all knew Remus was leaving something out. James and Sirius may have been best mates, but everybody knew that this was the type of thing that Remus and Sirius had always gone to each other with. They had always had a different kind of bond. Luckily, nobody brought it up.

“It’s not you fault, Remus,” James reassured. “She’s the one who’s missing out.”

Remus let out a mix between a laugh and a breath. “Right. Missing out on a werewolf for a boyfriend. It’s okay, though. I’m very much over her.”

“I’m glad you’re over her, but like I was saying before James stuck his nose in this, you’re so much more than a werewolf, Remus,” Peter insisted. James rolled his eyes at the jab at him but nodded with Peter.

“Yeah, I can’t imagine anybody not wanting to be with you,” Sirius added.

Nobody else heard the underlying message to Sirius’ words, but Remus heard it, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he gave Sirius that little secret smile that they used to give each other, even way before all of this had happened. Some of the pain vanished from Sirius’ eyes. 

  1. **James being stubborn**



It was late. Much later than they ought to be awake considering they had class in the morning. Remus didn’t even know why he was still up because all he had wanted this entire day was for it to be over.

Instead, he was sitting with James by their desk, stacking cards up in the tallest tower he had ever managed to make with cards. James hadn’t let him go to bed because he desperately wanted to finish, and to be honest, Remus didn’t want to go to bed anymore because he knew he would just have trouble falling asleep, and then have another nightmare.

Sirius was laying on his back on the ground, his hands tucked under his head while Peter sat on the bed, reciting a scary story with his wand light under his chin. Supposedly, it had happened over holiday, but Remus was finding it much too far fetched to possibly be real.

“But the next day when we got back, it had disappeared with no traces left behind,” Peter finished, letting his words hang eerily in the air.

Sirius was the first to laugh, and it sounded nice. “You expect us to believe that your nan _really_ sent you there, even after she had almost died there herself.”

Peter’s face turned beat red and he began to stutter. “She wanted us to finish what she had started, though.”

“Suuuure,” James said, joining in the laughter.

“Woah, be careful,” Remus hissed, batting James’ hand away that had come dangerously close to the card tower while he was laughing.

“Oh so _now_ you start caring about it,” James joked.

Remus laughed. “I’m invested now.”

“Peter, look me in the eye and tell me that story really happened to you,” Sirius instructed.

“Yes, I’m telling you, all of that _actually_ did happen to me.”

James laughed again, almost giving Remus another heart attack from the way the tower swayed. “Mate, you sound like Sirius when he lies about fancying someone.”

Remus pulled his hand back, not daring to set the card down the moment James had said that. Sirius went quiet for a second.

“When are you going to drop that?” Sirius finally asked.

“I’m starting to think that it _is_ that Nancy girl from Ravenclaw because I saw you talking to her yesterday, and you seemed very interested in what she was saying.”

“She was lending me the notes that I missed in class,” Sirius said, his voice starting to get irritated.

“Fine, then it’s Betty.”

“James, why do you keep pestering me with this!” Sirius raised his voice.

“Because!” James burst back, startling Remus into almost knocking the whole tower down. “Because nobody tells me anything anymore. You told me you were in love with someone, but then you deny it now. Something is going on between you and Moony, but neither of you will fess up to it. I didn’t find out about Remus’ entire relationship until over a year later,” Remus opened his mouth to apologize, but James pushed forward, "which is fine, Moony, I understand, but still. "Sirius, you’ve been super depressed lately, and you get drunk practically every night, but you won’t tell me why. I feel like nobody ever wants to come to me with things, and I know that I’m just the comic relief, and I don’t seem like I can be serious, but I can, and I’ve always been here, but nobody sees that.”

“Fine! I _am_ in love with someone. Are you happy?” Sirius seethed, standing up from where he had been laying.

James stood up too, facing Sirius angrily. “No, because I still don’t know who it is, or why you won’t just tell me!”

“Because it’s Remus!” Sirius yelled. “I’m in love with Remus.”

James’ mouth dropped open, and Peter’s head shot towards Sirius.

Remus knocked over the tower of cards.


	22. Chapter 22

The Marauder’s dorm room was quieter than it had ever been in all of Sirius’ years at Hogwarts, with not even the sound of a single breath filling the space. Sirius was stiff, his mouth still hanging open a bit from his admission, and he felt frozen where he stood; frozen in time, frozen in shock, just _frozen_.

Three pairs of eyes stared him down, and he knew that there was really only one pair that he cared about, but suddenly, he felt like he was back to the dream where he was frozen in the shed, and Remus was right there, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t force himself to look at Remus, or anyone for the matter.

James let out a very delayed choking sound, and then he was sputtering out random syllables until it almost sounded like he was speaking a different language. Sirius imagined that his face was priceless, but he couldn’t look, couldn’t move, frozen.

There was a ringing in his ears and a heaviness that had appeared around his head like the air was actually weighing him down, pushing him hard and making his legs weak. What had he done?

The only thing that had been running through his head was the fact that James was listing name after name, and none of them were Remus, and none of them were even as close to being as incredible as Remus, and suddenly Sirius couldn’t stand the thought of anyone _not_ knowing just how much Sirius loved Remus. In hindsight, it was crazy. He had already been disowned by his parents; what if his friends didn’t understand? What if they left him behind too?

His first instinct was to play it off, and it was a _very_ delayed instinct considering the room had been silent for much too long, besides James’ confused noises. Of course, he dismissed the thought quickly. He couldn’t pretend it was a joke, he had said it too seriously, and even if he did play it off as a prank, he couldn’t do that to Remus. The only way he was ever going to get Remus back was if he undoubtedly one hundred percent believed that Sirius loved him.

Finally _,_ Sirius felt his breath catch in his throat, and he felt his eyes lift up, drawing out of his stilled stupor. They skimmed past James, past Peter, right to the only person that he wanted to see right now. He was sitting at the desk, his hands reached out in front of him like they hadn’t moved from the card tower since Sirius had blurted out his confession. His honey eyes were wide like a deer in the headlights, and he was looking right back at Sirius. Frozen.

Something snapped back inside Sirius like a railroad track moving into place to let the train through. His breath came back to him, and his ears stopped ringing, and he felt himself sway on his feet once, twice, and then he steadied himself. It was something about seeing Remus in the same condition as he was. Sirius may have been the one to do this to them, but Remus was about to go through whatever it was too, and he wasn’t alone.

“Is this a prank?” Peter finally asked, speaking over James’ stammering.

James seemed to latch onto Peter’s words, and he laughed awkwardly. “Right, it must be.” James swallowed. “Padfoot?”

Sirius found himself tipping his head down a bit, trying to hide from the situation, and his head shook a silent, _no_.

Peter’s eyes whipped towards where Remus was sitting. Remus still looked in shock, but his hands had started moving again, tugging at each other in that frantic way that he did unconsciously when he was nervous.

“So I’m,” Sirius started, having to clear his throat. He had always been blunt, and now wasn’t a time to stop. “So turns out I’m actually gay.”

James blinked. Peter’s mouth fell open. Remus stood up abruptly from his seat, the chair scraping loudly against the wooden floorboard. Three heads whipped towards the sound.

“I, we, can, can we talk? Yeah? Outside?” Remus stumbled out, his words shaking.

Sirius nodded, keeping his head lowered as he followed Remus out the door, James and Peter’s eyes following him the whole way out.

“But he’s had so many girlfriends,” he heard Peter mutter as he closed the door.

Remus walked in quick long steps as he moved down the stairs, practically taking them two at a time.

“Remus—” Sirius started, but Remus shook his head and kept walking.

It was hard to stay silent the rest of the way there, but Sirius kept his mouth shut and let Remus lead them. Sirius wasn’t expecting to be lead into the History of Magic classroom, but that was where they ended up. The room was desolate, and Remus closed the door as Sirius entered, their arms brushing briefly as he passed. Sirius tried not to think about how Remus hadn’t pulled away from the touch.

“Professor Binns lets me use his classroom to study sometimes, but he’s never here this late,” Remus mumbled at Sirius’ questioning gaze. Sirius nodded.

Walking deeper into the classroom, Sirius leaned back against the large desk at the front and center of the room. Remus joined him, sitting lightly on top of a student desk across from Sirius in the front row. He crossed his arms over his chest and kicked his legs out in front of him, heals resting against the ground.

They stared at each other for a second, Remus’ eyes lashing out all over Sirius’ face, and his expression looked unsure, conflicted, confused. Something of that matter. Sirius didn’t know what was about to happen.

“Why did you say that?” Remus finally blurted.

“I don’t know, it just sort of burst out. I was so annoyed with James, and after so many years, it just, I just wanted them to know. I couldn’t stand them not knowing.”

“Did you think that maybe I could?” Remus seethed, his eyes looking too soft and confused for his tone of voice.

“I’m sorry, Re,” Sirius whispered, ducking his head.

“I…blimey,” Remus said, shaking his head slightly. “Don’t be sorry. I mean, you just said that you—” Remus wove his hand around in the air like he couldn’t say the word.

“I wasn’t lying,” Sirius whispered.

Remus tipped his head up from where he had been staring at the little hole in his shoe, looking Sirius earnestly in the eye. “I know,” he whispered back.

It felt like they were talking about so much more than just this. It felt like their other conversation where Sirius had begged Remus to believe him when he said he hadn’t lied about anything before their fight.

“I miss you.” Sirius’ voice practically broke with the words.

Everything came back to him in an instant. His mother’s letter, the fight with Remus, the looks on his friends’ faces when he said he was gay. Everything before all of that too. The cruciatus curse rang around in his head, and the taste of alcohol sank against his tongue, and he felt his past drunken words and his anger driven actions and his fake relationships, and it was all too much. He was tired. He was so so tired, and he couldn’t do it anymore.

Remus was in front of him in an instant, his arms coming up around Sirius’ neck, and he pulled him forward into his embrace, and Sirius fell against him, burying his face into the crook of Remus’ shoulder, and he fit their so perfectly, and suddenly, there was more memories throwing themselves at him.

He practically _felt_ his memories. He felt Remus’ hands against his head as he carded through his hair, fixing his mother’s haircut. He felt Remus’ head on his shoulder as he saw their reflection in the lake jumping back at him in his mind. He heard Remus’ words and felt his embraces and soft touches. He felt Remus in his arms as he raced up to Hogwarts with him after a bad full moon. He felt Remus’ tears against his face as he called himself a monster, letting lies consume his head

Sirius cried softly into Remus’ shoulder, his brain flipping through so many pictures of the exact same image of them holding each other over and over again because that was what they did. When one of them fell down, the other was always there to hold them up.

And suddenly, those memories with Remus were being mixed and woven in with the painful ones, and he found himself crying tears of sadness and tears of joy, one and the same. Through all the pain, all the hardships, Remus was right there with him, holding him and supporting him, and Sirius knew that Remus was thinking the same thing about him because he felt Remus’ own tears against his cheek.

Sirius tightened his arms around Remus, and pulled his head up, swiping a tear from Remus’ face as Remus did the same for Sirius. They smiled at each other and then laughed messily, still wiping tears from one another’s faces.

“I’m sorry,” Remus cried. “I should have been there for you after everything with you parents.”

Sirius shook his head almost violently in retaliation. “No, Remus, I’m sorry. I _never_ should have yelled at you, or said those things, or pushed you away. I thought,” Sirius sniffled, “I always thought that I wasn’t good enough to have you, and that I would only make your life worse by being with you, but I was wrong. We complete each other, and I can’t imagine a life without you.”

Remus nodded fervently in agreeance and tucked his head against Sirius’ neck, his hand coming up to bury his fingers in Sirius’ hair.

“Of course you’re not making my life worse by being with me. I love you,” Remus insisted, planting a kiss against Sirius’ neck.

Sirius leaned into it. After so long of not having Remus like this, he didn’t think he was ever going to be able to let go of him. He pulled him up for a salty kiss, and they laughed lightly into each other’s mouths, trying to clear their eyes of tears. Sirius jokingly tickled Remus’ stomach, and Remus laughed pulling Sirius back against him while simultaneously pushing his hands away.

Somewhere in their sloppy relief-filled first kisses, something changed, and suddenly the reality that he was here, that Remus was in his arms again, and they were kissing, hit Sirius like a spell. Their kiss deepened, and they rocked on their feet together as Sirius pressed closer against Remus, tracing his fingers down his face. He wasn’t even sorry for the pained yearning sound that drew itself from his mouth because Remus’ lips were soft, and he had been dreaming of this every night since the fight.

Remus’s hands were cold against his skin, so Sirius took them in his own, rubbing his thumbs over his knuckles as he continued to kiss him. Remus let out a sigh against him, and Sirius felt it deep in his heart. It was relief, and it was elation, and it was home. He was home. Sirius may not have somewhere to live, but now, he would always have _this_ because he was never ever going to let it go again.

The air in the room suddenly felt heavier, like it was pressing down and wrapping around around them. Sirius brought his hands up, one of them stretching around Remus’ waist to tug him closer against his body and hold him there, and the other caught the back of his neck, fingers brushing through the soft hair at the nape of his neck.

They pressed their foreheads together, breaths mingling together as they stared into each other’s eyes, steely gray meeting honey brown. Sirius rubbed his nose lightly against Remus’, and pulled away to see him better. He had always felt a fierce protection for Remus, but in that moment he felt physically connected to the werewolf in his arms as if their hearts were being held together by a string.

Sirius’ hand slipped out of Remus’ hair, sliding so very lightly over Remus’ cheekbone, landing on Remus’ bottom lip. He felt Remus’ large eyes staring up at him in awe, and he looked back, dazed by the love that was exploding in his own chest. Remus must have felt the same because his face broke into a smile, and he leaned forward, kissing Sirius lovingly on the cheek. Sirius couldn’t help but smile himself, and then he was tugging Remus in for a kiss, deep and passionate.

Remus moved with Sirius, pressing close when Sirius pulled him against him. His hand found Sirius’ jaw, tracing up the sharp lines of his face and landing in his hair. He gave a soft tug, sucking softly at Sirius’ bottom lip as he pulled him closer, and Sirius moaned with the movement, dragging both of his hands up Remus’ slender yet strong back.

“I missed you so much,” Sirius panted, burying his face against Remus’ neck, biting softly when he smelled the familiar sent of chocolate and shampoo and heard Remus’ soft exhale at Sirius’ insistent lips on his neck.

Remus responded with a tug at Sirius’ hips, turning them around and pushing Sirius against the cold classroom wall. Sirius shivered, but then Remus’ warm lips were back on him, and the words, “I missed you too, so much,” were being muttered into Sirius’ mouth, and suddenly he wasn’t cold anymore.

A red hot heat pooled itself deep in Sirius’ stomach, and he tugged Remus around, pinning him against the wall. Remus slipped his thigh between Sirius’ legs, and Sirius gasped, feeling a deep desire flood through his senses.

“I thought about you every night,” Remus said as Sirius trailed kisses down his neck and over his shoulder.

Sirius pulled away, his eyes dark as he took in Remus’ dazed expression. His lips were kiss swollen, and his cheeks were a wonderful red color, and his fingers were dipping just under the waist of Sirius’ trousers.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius breathed. Remus nodded, his hands dropping lower and lower. “What did you think about?”

“So many things.” Remus groaned as Sirius’ mouth found the underside of his jaw. “The first night at my house.”

Sirius was so distracted with sucking at the soft skin beneath Remus’ chin that he found it difficult to think back to the first night at Remus’ house, but then Remus’ hands finally dipped low enough in Sirius’ trousers that they could splay his palms against his arse, and he used the leverage to tug him closer, flush against his chest, and then he was pressing his thigh hard between Sirius’ legs, and suddenly the movement brought memories of that night right to the front of his head.

He couldn’t hold back the low moan that escaped his mouth, right against Remus’ skin, and Remus shivered.

“I thought about that night too,” Sirius gasped between kisses. “I fell asleep every night to those memories.”

Remus nodded, forcing Sirius to chase after his lips, and he mumbled a soft, “Me too.”

Sirius wanted Remus so bad. He wanted to press back against his fingers that felt so deliciously close, and he wanted to press forward into Remus’ thigh, and he wanted to tug Remus’ into him and never let go, but thinking about that first night at the farm was enough to draw him from his almost unstoppable desire.

“Re, I want to love you and take care of you so much, just like that night.”

“Then do it,” Remus gasped, his head tipping back against the wall, mouth slightly parted, eyes squeezed shut.

“Oh god,” Sirius groaned, because looking at Remus like that made it _so_ hard to say no to that. “I, I can’t. Not here.”

“Sirius,” Remus dragged his name out, opening his eyes to look at him, almost in a pout.

He leaned forward to capture his lips in his, and Sirius kissed him back instantly, his legs practically shaking from the feeling of Remus’ tongue slipping into his mouth.

“I know what you’re doing,” Sirius laughed.

“Is it working?” Remus mumbled against his lips.

It was almost impossible, but Sirius pulled away, fingers still digging tightly into Remus’ hips, but arms stiff so he could keep him at length. The lack of pressure and warmth against him was almost enough to get Sirius to throw Remus on top of a table right then and there, consequences be damned, but he shook his head softly.

“You deserve the world, Rems. Let me give you that tonight. Let me... I want it to be like that night, not like the one in the shed.”

Remus smirked at Sirius despite his light shudder that Sirius didn’t miss. “That night in the shed was good, though, wasn’t it.” He leaned forward, and Sirius had to smile, pressing his hands back against Remus’ hips.

“Of course it was.” Sirius shook his head and sighed. “I just don’t want you to have any doubt in your mind that I want you more than anything in this world. I want you to feel how much I love you.”

Remus’ cheeks turned a wonderful shade of pink, and he nodded, batting Sirius’ hands away that were keeping him at a distance. At Sirius’ warning look, Remus smiled and shook his head, “Just a kiss.”

Sirius smiled. “Just a kiss,” he repeated, moving in to meet Remus in the middle.

The kiss was lingering and sweet, neither of them wanting to pull away, and once they did, they stayed in each other’s arms for a second longer, foreheads pressed together, and fingers combing through hair.

“I love you,” Remus whispered into Sirius’ ear.

“I love you more,” Sirius mumbled back.

“Not possible.”

They both laughed softly. 

“We should probably head back to the other’s,” Remus said, stealing another kiss even as he said it. “They’ll be pretty shocked still.”

Sirius shook his head, his nose brushing against Remus’ as he did it, and he smiled. “Just a little bit longer.” He ducked to kiss a trail across Remus’ cheek and down his neck.

Remus started a laugh, but it cut off into a soft exhale, and Sirius felt Remus’ hands tighten on his shoulders.

Eventually, they both pulled away. They each had a very obvious problem down there from their arousal, and they sat down at desks facing each other, both trying to calm down a bit before they had to face their friends.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Sirius joked, glancing up at Remus even though he knew he needed to stop thinking about him.

“Well then _you_ don’t look at _me_ like that,” Remus responded, smile tugging at his lips.

“Okay let’s just both not look each other,” Sirius suggested.

They both nodded and looked down at their hands that were folded on the top of their desks. After a second, Sirius couldn’t take it anymore, and he peaked up slowly, just wanting one quick look, but Remus was already looking at him with his big beautiful eyes.

“Moony!” Sirius burst.

“What? You looked too!”

The room filled with the sound of their laughter. 

“What are we going to say to them?” Remus finally asked nervously.

Sirius shook his head. “I have no idea. They think that that was the first time you ever heard me say that.”

A smile escaped Remus’ lips. “Little do they know…”

Sirius laughed, and it felt good. Laughing again, laughing with Remus. “Should we tell them everything, or just pretend that we talked about it, and we’re good, and nothing’s going on?”

Remus took a long time to reply. He looked like he was torn between the options, jumping back and forth between the two. Finally he spoke up. “I think that…we have to tell them everything. They deserve the truth, and I don’t know how we would tell them the truth later if we decided to lie to them about this now.”

Sirius found himself nodding to Remus’ words. He had been dreading them, dreading the thought that they were going to have to come clean, and just hope their friends didn’t hate them, but he knew Remus was right. It was the only thing to do.

Talking about the conversation that was to come had cooled Sirius down mostly, but Remus was still sitting across from him, eyes peaking up through his light eyelashes, lips still a bit pink from being kissed and sucked, and Sirius thought about how sweet he tasted just under his jaw. Heat spiked in his stomach, and he shook his head, looking away quickly.

“Oh gosh,” he mumbled.

“Hmm?”

“Just, stop looking like that, okay?”

Remus laughed and stood up, walking around the desks so that he could kneel down in front of Sirius right between his parted legs. He was just under his eye level, and Sirius felt his fingers meeting his skin, trailing up under his shirt.

“Looking like what?” he asked innocently.

“You know exactly what.”

Remus’ hand was still brushing up over his chest, and Sirius let out a breath.

“If you keep doing that, I’m never going to be ready to go talk to James and Pete.”

“Good,” Remus mumbled against Sirius’ skin.

“ _Re_.”

“Fine, just one more kiss.”

Sirius couldn’t say no to that. His palms found Remus’ cheeks, and he pulled him gently forward, letting his lips just brush against Remus’ softly before kissing him slow and warm. Remus sighed and dropped his head against Sirius’ shoulder.

After a second, they stood up together and walked slowly to the door. Sirius paced back and forth a second more, thinking about the giant squid, and old ladies, and anything else that wasn’t Remus related.

“Okay let’s go,” Sirius said.

Remus sucked in a heavy shaking breath, and upon realizing that he was able to again, Sirius ran his hand down Remus’ spine, stopping to rub circles into the small of his back.

“Hey, we’re in this together, yeah?” Sirius said reassuringly.

“Yeah, together,” Remus smiled, and they both walked out the door, ready to face their friends.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I’m so sorry for the writing hiatus, but life got busy. Thank you to everyone for being patient with me! <3 I’m going to try and finish up this fic without another long break. I’m thinking there will be one, but more likely, two more chapters left, so we’re really reaching the end! 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: minor homophobia and homophobic slurs. 
> 
> (Just a reminder that anyone who wants to skip parts of chapters due to trigger warnings, I am available on tumblr, and I would be more than happy to fill you in on plot points that you missed)

James was feeling pretty dense now.

How had he not seen it? He wanted to hit himself over the head, or go back in time, or write a letter to himself. _Anything_. Because really, what had he been thinking?

That night that James had seen Sirius drunkenly looking into the crowd, it had been Remus that he was looking at. All those times that James thought Sirius was joking about loving Remus, he hadn’t been joking. The times that Remus was the only one Sirius would open up to, and the way that Sirius took care of Moony more than any of the others did. Hell, it had been Sirius’ idea to become animagus’ for Remus.

“Wait, so Sirius is a poof?” Peter asked, looking bewildered.

James had heard the term being thrown around at school before, but for some reason, now that it was being directed at his two closest mates, a strange sickening feeling took root in James’ stomach.

“Don’t say that,” he snapped.

“What?”

“Sirius is our friend.”

“He’s bent, James.” James had never had the urge to slap Peter so strongly before until that very moment.

James stood up and turned on Peter. Peter cowered, much shorter than James, below him. “So what?” he asked, the threat behind his voice sounding obvious.

“Well…nothing. I guess,” Peter answered, sounding confused. He wasn’t used to being scolded by James. Sirius maybe, but not James.

“Quite right. When Sirius and Remus come back through that door, we ought to be good mates to them just like they would be to us.”

“You don’t think Remus is a po—” James shot a glare at Peter, “—is like Sirius too, do you?” Peter corrected himself.

James shrugged. “I don’t know. He dated that one girl he told us about, but look at Sirius. I think we should learn to not assume anything.”

“Right…”

The room went silent after that. James was glad for it. He was feeling a white hot anger towards Peter at the moment. Something about hearing his response to Sirius coming out made his head boil. Maybe he was really just angry at himself. He felt…he didn’t know what he felt. Part of him was still a little shocked, but most of him just felt like a really bad mate. It had been his fault that Sirius had been forced to come out like that.

He just wanted Remus and Sirius to come back. He wanted to apologize and make things right, and the time really couldn’t come fast enough.

This felt almost the exact same as the time they had discovered Remus was a werewolf, and they all waited in their dorm for Remus to come back so that they could tell him that it was okay and they weren’t going to tell anyone, and they would be there for him. Except, this was different.

James didn’t even know how Remus was responding to this. Of any of them, Remus would be the most understanding, wouldn’t he? Was this the first that Remus had heard of this? He must be shocked at the moment.

They waited for what felt like an hour and finally, _finally,_ the door to their dorm slowly tugged open. James practically fell off his bed in his haste to stand up.

Sirius came through the door slowly, almost sheepishly. His face looked nervous and unsure, nothing like his usually haughty and confident appearance. James didn’t know what to do. Should he hug Sirius? Apologize before he could say anything? All unsaid apologies died on his tongue, though, as Sirius walked inside. Remus was tagging behind them, looking even more nervous.

James instantly zeroed in on their hands, which were clasped together the way James had seen so many couples do as they walked merrily down the streets of Hogsmeade. Except these were his friends. This was Sirius and Remus.

In his peripheral, James saw Peter’s eyes practically bug out of his head at the sight of them, and James gave him a hidden glare that only Peter could see. Peter schooled his expression quickly.

Sirius opened his mouth like he was going to speak, but his voice caught on a nervous breath. James watched Remus rub his thumb supportively across Sirius’ palm. He had seen Sirius do the exact same thing to Remus before, but he had just been too oblivious to understand it for the gesture that it was now. It was…nice.

And suddenly, James knew how to ease the situation. What better to do than be himself at a time like this?

James went barreling forward, ramming right into Padfoot at top speeds and wrapped his arms around his neck. Sirius seemed taken aback, but then a relieved laugh escaped his mouth.

“How did I not see it, mate!” James said excitedly.

“Sodding oblivious, you are,” Sirius teased.

James pinched Sirius’ shoulder, and then looked up to see Moony standing a bit awkwardly behind Sirius. “C’mere, Moony,” he said, tugging him into the hug.

Peter awkwardly joined in, looking slightly uncomfortable, but James decided it was better than nothing. He would work at Peter.

And then there was a moment where it was just the four Marauders hugging, supporting each other, and James felt better. Sirius was here, and he had Moony, and they knew that no matter what, they could always be safe with the Marauders.

They pulled apart and somehow made their way to the floor in the center of the room where they had all sat so many times: late into the night to plan a prank or to play games of truth or dare, early in the morning for a game of cards or a pre-breakfast conversation, right now.

James sat down against the desk, Peter took the spinny chair, and Sirius tugged Remus onto the floor so that they were leaning against the bed with Sirius’ arms wrapped around Remus, Sirius’ chest against Remus’ back. It was funny because Pads had done that so many times with Moony, and Remus had always looked happy but slightly embarrassed, his cheeks red. Now, they sat comfortably, and James smiled.

“So how long has this actually been going on?” James asked, motioning between Sirius and Remus. He was still getting over the shock that Remus felt the same way for Sirius.

“Well, we sorta crushed on each other for a while,” Sirius started.

“That’s an understatement,” Remus interjected.

“Yeah, okay so we crushed on each other for a long _long_ time, and then we were on and off since the beginning of this year, I guess.”

“So this didn’t just happen? After Moony dragged you out of the room?”

“Merlin, no.” Sirius laughed.

And then James and Peter listened to all of everything that had been happening just under their noses as Sirius and Remus tag-teamed their story. James laughed when he found out their first kiss was a drunken one the night of the party.

“So you left me at _our_ party for a snog in the closet?” James exclaimed.

Moony’s face turned red.

“I was drunk out of my mind, Prongs. You can hardly blame me!”

“You’re right. I mean, Moony is quite handsome. Irresistible really.”

“He is, isn’t he,” Sirius agreed, jokingly pinching Remus’ cheeks.

“Oh, sod off,” Remus complained, pushing Sirius’s hands away. They returned comfortably around Remus’ waist.

The room grew quiet when they got to the part about what happened over holiday. The way that Sirius was describing the serenity of the beginning with tense shoulders alerted James that this particular part to the story would not end well.

“…because my parents gave me an ultimatum. Get the Dark Mark over holiday, or be disowned.”

James felt his mouth drop open and his heart practically fall out of his chest. He watched Sirius’ face carefully. It looked like he was choking out the words, like things were still too fresh to be talking about. Remus put his hand on Sirius’ arm and continued the story for him.

It took every muscle in his body to hold himself back from tackling Sirius into another bear hug, and if it weren’t for the way that Remus was squeezing Sirius’ hand, he might not have even been able to hold himself back.

Secretly, James began making plans, drafting out what he would write in his letter back to his parents. He was good at persuading, and his parents had been talking about getting Sirius out of that house for years now. It was practically a done deed. He made a mental note to find a time to talk to Sirius about it later.

After what felt like forever of talking, and asking questions, and side-stories, they finally made it to the end, to where they were right then, to their place in the dorm room floor.

“So, in a way, if I hadn’t made a complete arse of myself, you two still wouldn’t be together.” James joked.

There was a chorus of laughter before Sirius added, “Sure Prongs, whatever you want to say to make yourself feel better.” They all laughed again.

When all of this had started, it had already been too late into the night for their own good. By now, it was verging on being morning. James had started playing a game in his head, counting every time Remus yawned to help keep himself awake. (So far he had counted twelve.)

By the thirteenth yawn, Sirius pressed his chin to Remus’ shoulder nuzzling his face against his neck like the dog that he was.

“Maybe we should get some sleep,” Sirius mumbled. Remus yawned.

“Looks like Wormtail’s way ahead of us,” James pointed out.

The three of them turned their heads to the snoring, sleeping form of Peter. His mouth was open and his neck was falling against his chest. Sirius snickered, untangled himself from Remus, and tiptoed over to him.

“Atramento,” he whispered, his wand making numerous swirly motions at Peter’s face.

In moments, dark ink began to cover Peter’s face: a mustache above his lip, bright pink blush staining his cheeks, and a unibrow to finish off the look.

James had to throw his hand over his mouth to keep himself from bursting out into raucous laughter. Remus gave Sirius a feigned disapproving look to cover up his smile.

“You sure this is the one you want?” James joked, pointing to Sirius who was now adding lipstick to his masterpiece on Pete’s face.

Sirius turned around upon hearing James’ words.

Remus sighed. “You know, now that you mention it, I’m not so sure.”

Sirius’ lip curled into a pout and he marched forward. “Rude.”

In one quick motion, Sirius grabbed onto Remus’ legs, swinging him over his shoulder so that he was left to dangle. “Bed time!” Sirius singsonged much too excitably for someone talking about goin to sleep.

Remus lightly hit his fists against Sirius’ back exclaiming, “let me go!” on repeat.

Sirius dropped Remus onto his bed and climbed immediately after him, wrapping his arms and legs around Remus like he was an octopus and burying his head into the back of Remus’ neck. “Goodnight!” he exclaimed cheerily.

Remus looked up at James from under Sirius’ massive tangle of limbs with an expression that was completely deadpanned, and James couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Remus looked like an angry kitten.

His laugh must have been a tad too loud because a second later, Peter burst forward with one last loud snored, and his eyes flew open. “Hmm, what?” he mumbled.

James, Sirius, and Remus all burst out laughing, and Peter joined in a second later. Little did he know, the reason none of them could catch their breath had to do with a certain mustache that was wiggling on Peter’s face.

“Okay, Sirius is right; bed time.” James stopped and pointed at Sirius who was now attacking Remus’ forehead with kisses while Remus swatted him away. “Hey, no funny business while we’re in the room.”

Peter was quick to agree with James.

“Oh come on!” Sirius exclaimed. “It’s like you’ve never heard of a silencing charm before.”

Remus’ face grew red, and Peter imitated throwing up.

“Padfoot, I’m only one bed over! No. Funny business.”

Sirius whispered something into Remus’ ear that made his face turn ten shades darker, which was saying a lot since it already looked like a tomato. James was glad he hadn’t heard it.

“Fine, Prongs,” Sirius sighed.

It took quite a lot of giggles, dirty jokes, and squeals from Moony telling Sirius to stop tickling him for the room to finally grow silent.

The most sleep they’d get by now would only be a couple hours, but James still took a few minutes to run through a few things before his tiredness would make it impossible to even think straight.

First, he thought about writing to his parents. He hadn’t forgotten about Sirius’ admission to getting disowned, and he would write the letter the second he woke up the next morning. Well, maybe not the second he woke up, but soon. He also was desperate for some one-on-one time with Sirius. There was so much that had happened in one night, and his best-mate-needs were tingling.

Next, he thought about everything that had been admitted tonight. Obviously, James was an idiot and a horrible friend, and a completely oblivious prat. He couldn’t wait to tell Sirius that. James decided that he should probably talk to Moony too.

He thought about Peter’s response to everything. He couldn’t help but imagine the way he kept looking at Remus and Sirius like they were aliens just to glance away to the floor or the wall like he couldn’t even look at them. It hurt James to think about, but he also knew that Peter had seemed to get a bit more comfortable as the night had dragged on. He would be fine. James would make sure of that. There was no way on earth that James would let Sirius and Remus feel uncomfortable among their own mates.

All that James knew was that he hadn’t seen Sirius look that happy for a long time. James wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of that. He wondered if Sirius would feel good enough to stop drinking now. He wondered how Remus was doing. He seemed quiet tonight, but then again Remus was usually quiet when he was tired. He wondered if he had said any of the right things tonight. He wondered until his eyes felt droopy, and he didn’t even realize when he stopped wondering.

———

“I can’t believe we’re forced to do this,” James complained as he scrubbed another thick layer of dirt and dust off the window he was working on.

“I mean, we did set fireworks off the astronomy tower,” Sirius sighed, taking a break to pull his hair back into a wispy bun out of his face.

“Well yeah, but they could have had us write lines or something. This is just cruel. I mean, we’ve got magic for this kind of stuff.”

Sirius shrugged, his mind flashing back to how he had worked on the tractor and the motorbike at the Lupin farm. He could still remember the feeling of the tools, cold in his hands, as he worked. His whole life had been surrounded and touched by magic, and then suddenly he was fixing and building things with his own two hands and his own brain, and it was somehow more magical than anything he had ever done with his wand.

Whereas Muggle-born students had a fascination for the magic world that they had never before encountered, Sirius could not help but yearn for a simpler world that was somehow so much more complex. He began to miss his old bedroom, the one he would never again see. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to see it one last time. He yearned to see the Muggle college pendants he had hanging on the walls, or the black Muggle band t-shirts he had acquired over time, or the collection of books that he didn’t dare to admit to the Marauders that he read again and again over summer.

“Hey,” James said, drawing Sirius’ gaze up. “You know you can talk to me about anything?”

“Yeah, I know that,” Sirius answered quickly.

James paused for a second. “It’s just, we haven’t really talked about everything that happened between just us.”

Sirius choked back his emotions, clenching his jaw in an attempt to get himself together. Sirius knew that James had been trying to start a conversation between the two of them since a couple nights ago when Remus and Sirius had admitted everything to them. The problem was that Sirius had had a hard enough time getting through the surfaced story of everything in their group dynamic. He had no idea how he was going to hold himself together with James.

Besides, maybe it was just the internalized homophobia that had built up inside of him after years of living with his parents, but Sirius still felt weird talking about him and Remus with James. He had been high off of the idea that they had finally come clean that first night, but after some sleep and reflection, Sirius realized things could have gone an entirely different way. He hadn’t missed the way that Peter had looked at them when they first entered the room.

“What is there to talk about?” Sirius mumbled stubbornly.

Sirius heard James inhale a shaky breath. “I sent an owl to my parents a couple days ago about you staying with us for the summers and holidays.”

In Sirius’ shock over the statement, he dropped his rag, and it landed with a loud squelching sound on the stone floors. His fingers started to tremble without something for them to hold on. Sirius forced himself to look up at James, not knowing if he could be serious. James was already looking at him, and his brown eyes were shining with sincerity.

“James, I can’t let you do that.”

“No, you can, and you will. You’re my best mate, Sirius, I’m not just going to let you go homeless. Besides, it’s already a done deal. They responded today, and they’re more than happy with letting you stay with us.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. Suddenly the idea of staying with the Potters instead of going back to that cold house with his terrible parents seemed very appealing, but his head was still so jumbled and hurting that it was hard for Sirius to speak. He didn’t need to say anything, though, because James pulled him forward into a hug, and a sudden urge to cry overcame Sirius. He did his best to hold it back.

“Thanks, James,” Sirius muttered into his shoulder.

When they pulled away and had resumed scrubbing the grimy windows, James turned his head towards Sirius again.

“Hey, Sirius. I never got the chance to apologize to you.”

“Apologize? For what?”

Sirius thought about the moment he had walked back into their room, Remus’ shaking hand in his, and how his heart had felt like it was going to fly out of his chest from beating so hard. He had stepped right into a terrifying unknown, the weight of entire friendships balancing on a cliffs edge, and James’ very first reaction when they walked in was to walk right up and hug them.

“I shouldn’t have bugged you about who you liked. It wasn’t any of my business, and obviously if I had known that I was going to force you to come out I never would have done it, but it was really stupid of me, and I feel terrible about it.”

In all of their years as friends, James had never been one huge on apologizing. He didn’t live his life with regret, and he didn’t pull pranks just to apologize for them afterwards. It was strange hearing one so sincere from him now, but it was also refreshing.

“Look, James, you’re right. What you did was pretty shitty, but you didn’t force me to do anything. Yes, hearing you listing off a bunch of girl’s names got on my nerves, and yes you were relentless, but in the end I was the one who admitted I loved Remus, and I didn’t have to do that. Hell, Remus didn’t want me to do that. I appreciate your apology, but you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Look, Pads, are you sure? Because it would be totally justified if you wanted to shun me for a week, or steal my breakfast, or play a few pranks because I totally deserve it.”

“As much as getting double my usual breakfast sounds tempting, I’m sure. You accepted me when I needed you most, and you’re offering me a home when I don’t have one. If anything, I should be giving you my breakfast.”

James chuckled and stopped scrubbing to face Sirius. “So we’re good?”

“Of course we’re good,” Sirius confirmed, pulling James in for another hug.

“Good because I learned a spell that changes everybody’s written names into ridiculous things like Edmund Wrinkly Toad the Third, and I was thinking we could try it out on the potion’s essays everyone’s turning in later today,” James explained excitedly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at James. “You do realize that we’re scrubbing these windows right now because of our last prank, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool, I’m down,” Sirius said.

James and Sirius got two more weeks of scrubbing windows after their prank, but it was totally worth it.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter aaaah! (Also poorly edited yay)

“James, are you sure that you want to share a room? I mean your mum said I could take the spare,” Sirius asked as he bustled around the room in search for his lost tie from the beginning of the school year. 

“Oh rubbish. There’s no reason not to share a room unless you think Moony will be jealous, and besides, Mum was only being nice. She wants to turn that spare room into her craft room, but she’s too nice to say it.”

Sirius smiled. He had secretly been hoping James would say that. He could only imagine the amounts of mischief that they could plan over the summer, staying up late into the night under the light of lumos. 

“Waddya think, Moony? Jealous?” Sirius asked, pulling Remus into his side to kiss his cheek. It was still surreal to be able to do that, especially so openly in front of his friends, and Sirius cherished every moment like it.

Remus smacked him away playfully. “There’s nothing for me to be afraid of when Prongs has been giving Evans the looks that he has lately.”

Wormtail guffawed and smacked James in the arm. “Poor sap’s in love” 

James’ face had grown a very Remus-like shade of red, and he looked around as if to find something to get him out of this line of conversation. 

“Oh! Padfoot, I forgot to tell you. Mum said that there’s a space in the garage for you to keep your motorbike, and Dad has been going on about how excited he is to check it out.” 

“Oh really? That’s brilliant! Gives me a reason to visit Moony this summer too.”

Remus laughed. “Thank Merlin. My dad’s gonna be happy to get that thing out of the shed.” 

James let out a loud huff and turned to the group. “Can you all believe that tomorrow’s already our last day? I feel like it went by so fast.”

They said the same thing every year, but that didn’t stop it from being true.

“True, but this summer will be the best one of all,” Peter chirped excitedly. 

The Marauders all nodded in agreement. 

“Besides, there’s still the common room party tonight,” Sirius added. He wasn’t all that excited for the party, considering he had quit drinking a month after getting together with Remus, but he knew it would brighten James’ mood. 

“Right! This one’s gonna be better than all of the others.”

This was also something that they said every time, but that didn’t stop them from saying it. 

When James and Sirius had first proposed the idea of having a house sleepover in the common room, most of the Gryffindors were pretty doubtful, but weeks later, here they were about to make it happen. 

The day went by quickly just like the school year had, and soon enough the boys were piling their arms with blankets and bumping into each other as they made their way into the common room. They threw up silencing spells immediately, and Remus set his alarm spell that he learned to alert them to any professors coming their way. 

The other students started bustling in, and soon enough, every Gryffindor student had a sleeping bags or blankets set up on the floor or the couches (plus Amanda who had been invited by Lily, along with a couple other out-of-house students). 

James was running around throwing candy and popcorn at anyone he could, with Peter following him and tripping over sleeping bags. Laughter burbled up around the room, and it only increased as the supplies of butterbeer got broken into.

Sirius and Remus sat on a couch in the corner of the room with the most privacy. Remus was sprawled out, his head on the armrest of the couch, a book in hand, and his feet propped up on Sirius’ lap. The firelight was casting a soft orange glow across Remus’ face, shadows painting down his neck like spilled ink, and Sirius couldn’t help but watch him with quiet admiration.

he looked good. He had on a navy button up, and the top few buttons had been undone by James who claimed it looked better that way, but Sirius was beginning to wonder if he had done it as a ploy just to mess with him. The sleeves were rolled up, showing off Remus’ strong forearms as he held his book out on front of him. Sirius watched as Remus licked his finger to help turn his page, and his eyes lingered a bit too long on Remus’ thin lips. 

“You know, nobody would notice if we snuck out,” Sirius commented. 

Remus peered over his book. “Right now?” His words said he was doubtful, but his tone sounded excited. 

Sirius gave Remus one of his award winning mischievous smirks and shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, now.”

Remus sat up a little, but his face was still skeptical. “Are you going to leave James alone at a party again? I don’t know if his heart could take that.”

A laugh escaped Sirius’ lips, and he narrowed his eyes. “I just can’t resist snogging you in closets.”

It was Remus’ turn to give an award winning smirk. “Well, we wouldn’t need a closet since our room is empty right now.”

Sirius’ eyes filled in realization and he pushed Remus’ feet off his lap. “What are we still doing here then?” 

He offered his hand to Remus who took it and stood up with Sirius. They smiled at each other, and Sirius leaned in a bit, getting as close as he could dare in front of everybody. He looked around quickly, and then risked putting his lips against Remus’ ear. 

“I’m going to…”

“Sirius! Remus! Thank god. Peter and I can’t decided between paranoia and shot roulette, so we need your opinions.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. James had come out of nowhere, and there was no way that he had missed the air between Remus and Sirius. The last thing Sirius cared about was what drinking games they should play when Remus was still standing next to him, his hair looking perfectly too put together. 

“Paranoia,” Sirius blurted the first one he thought of, hoping he could get James and Peter to disappear. 

“What do you think Moony?” 

“I, hmm?” 

Sirius smirked at the face that Remus made at James. It helped to know that Remus was just as distracted. 

“Paranoia or shot roulette?”

“Oh, yeah what Sirius said.”

“Paranoia?”

“Sure.”

“Great!” Let’s go!” James grabbed Remus’ free hand and pulled him off into the main area of the common room. 

Sirius’ hand slipped from Remus’, and he followed close behind. “Oh, umm actually James,” he tried to say, but he didn’t know how to finish his sentence, and James was already seating Remus down into a circle that was forming. 

He went to take a seat next to Remus, but then James was grabbing Sirius’ hand like he had Remus’, and he was tugging him to the front of the circle. Sirius sighed. It was custom for them to sit together and lead drinking games at parties. He wasn’t getting out of his best mate duties on this one. 

“Alright, who’s starting!” James called. 

The questions got around the circle, and no matter how many people pointed at Sirius, Sirius didn’t drink to find out what question they had been asked. He met Remus’ eye a couple times, and the proud look in his face made it easier to stay strong. 

The night went on, and the drinks slowly disappeared, and the games continued, and Sirius still hadn’t been able to slip away with Remus. Most of the circle playing paranoia had disappeared, but a drunk James, and surprisingly a very drunk Lily Evans, along with a good sized group of students remained. The common room was a mix of sleeping students drooling into their pillows, and overly drunk kids fighting off their inevitable crashes by playing boisterous games or dancing with one another. 

Sirius watched as Lily leaned over to whisper a question into Remus’ ear. She almost spilled her drink onto Remus’ lap, and Sirius heard Remus laugh and say, “Okay, that’s enough for you,” before plucking the cup out of her hand. 

“You didn’t answer the question,” Lily pouted.

Remus rolled his eyes and pointed at Sirius, and Lily let out a loud “awww”. Sirius met Remus’ eyes, and even though they were across the room from each other, he felt closer to him than ever. _Let’s get out of here,_ Sirius mouthed at him. Remus put Lily’s cup onto the ground and nodded in return, moving to get up. 

Sirius stood up too, but before he could meet Remus, a hand landed on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius turned and was met with empty air. He tipped his head down to meet Amanda’s face. Her long dark hair was pulled into a messy pony tail, and she had yellow polka-dotted pajamas on. 

“Hey, I haven’t spoken with you for what feels like ages.” 

Amanda was right; with school and testing, life got busy for the both of them, and being in separate houses made it hard to stay close. It had been a while since they had caught up with each other. Sirius turned his head back around to see that Remus was plenty busy with Lily hugging him around his neck, her drink back in her hand. Sirius smiled at the sight, and turned back around to Amanda. 

“You’re right, it’s been forever.” 

“How have you been?”

”I’m good,” Sirius replied. “What about you?”

Amanda’s eyes sparkled. “I’m good too but, you know, I wasn’t asking to be polite.”

Sirius smirked. Amanda had never been one for meaningless prattle, or showy words. When she asked how you were doing, she truly wanted to know. 

“I’m doing really great. I mean, tomorrow I’m going home to James’ house instead of being faced with my parents. That’s a relief in itself.”

Amanda smiled a bright smile. “I’m so happy for you Sirius; James is an amazing friend.”

“He really is. I don’t know what I would do without him.” 

“How are things with Remus going?”

Sirius felt the smile pull at his lips against his own volition. He couldn’t help but smile when talking about Remus. “Remus, is, I mean, Remus is amazing.” Sirius found himself wanting to open up to Amanda. She had a way of making him spill everything that had been on his mind with only her kind eyes, and he did just that. 

“I once told him that we completed each other, and that couldn’t be more than true. Remus always thought he was a burden to everyone around him, and I always thought I was incapable of being loved, and I drowned that all out with alcohol, you know? 

“I thought maybe just a little break from life was okay, and Remus was always there to bring me out of it, but we’re teaching each other that life is more beautiful when it’s lived fully, and he makes me feel more loved than I ever have before. I don’t know, I just, I would say that I don’t deserve him, but we’ve been teaching each other that we do deserve each other, and it’s just, it’s better than anything I could ever ask for.”

Sirius looked up at Amanda to find there were tears in her eyes. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you okay?” Sirius rushed to say, confused about her reaction. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” She sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Sorry, I’ve always been a cryer, and that was, that was really beautiful Sirius. I’m just so happy that you’re happy.”

Sirius smiled. “I’m going to hug you now,” Amanda said.

“Good. I’m going to hug you back,” Sirius laughed, and Amanda joined him as she wiped more of her tears. 

“You _are_ deserving of love. You know that?”

“Thank you,” Sirius whispered, and he tried to put forth so much emotion into voice so that she could tell how truly thankful he was to her for everything.” 

She must have got the message because she squeezed a little tighter before letting go. 

“So enough about me; how have you been doing?” Amanda smirked and tipped her head to the ground, her eyes shining in that way that could only ever describe somebody who was lovesick. Sirius gasped and covered his mouth excitedly. “Spill the details.” 

”I mean, it hasn’t been that long, but I met this guy, his name’s Lucas and we’ve been staying up in the common rooms talking every night this week, and I don’t know, he just seems too good to be true.” 

Sirius beamed. He knew the feeling well, and if Amanda had found her Remus, he was overwhelmingly happy for her.

“Amanda, that’s so amazing!” Sirius exclaimed. “Have you two talked about, ya know...”

“My asexuality?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I tried to explain it to him, and he was so understanding, Sirius. I mean, he said he would be fine with just a romantic relationship, and he would never force me to do anything I wouldn’t want to do.”

“Holy shit, okay it’s my turn to hug you,” Sirius said, wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug. Amanda laughed and then sniffled, more tears of joy. “So are you two dating now then?”

“Yeah, I think he’s going to ask me more officially soon, but it’s pretty concrete,” Amanda gushed. 

Sirius blinked a tear away before it had the chance to escape, and he felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. Amanda deserved the world, and he couldn’t believe that she had found someone so willing and accepting to listen to her and care for her. If anyone deserved that kind of love, it was Amanda. 

“I’m so happy for you,” Sirius whispered.

“And I’m happy for you too. So, so happy.”

They pulled away, and Sirius watched Amanda fix her gaze to something behind him. She smiled and laughed a little, a dimple making its way onto her cheek. “Okay, go be with Remus. Lily’s spilt more of that drink onto him than she has actually consumed.”

Sirius laughed. “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yes, definitely.”

Sirius made his way quickly over scattered sleeping bags and pillows to where James was talking excitedly to Frank about something Sirius didn’t care to pay attention to. He caught James by the sleeve and pulled him away without caring that he was in the middle of a conversation. He could get a taste of his own medicine. 

“I, what Sirius?”

Sirius stopped at Remus and Lily. “Here get your girlfriend off my boyfriend,” he mumbled. 

Lily’s cheeks went bright red, and she looked at James. James looked back at her, and Sirius couldn’t tell if his face was dumbstruck or lovestruck. Probably a mix of both. 

“Let’s get you some water,” James said, pulling Lily away. 

“Are you my boyfriend?” Sirius heard Lily saying as she was being led away. 

“If you want,” James responded. Sirius smiled. 

He returned his attention back to Remus, who was standing in front of him. Finally, the two of them were alone. Sirius took one look at Remus, and he burst out laughing. His sweater was disheveled and dripping with alcohol, and his hair was all mussed up. 

“Stop,” Remus complained, giving Sirius’ chest a playful push. 

Sirius caught the hands at his chest and pulled Remus in. “You know, I wanted to be the one to mess your hair up tonight.” Remus let out a breath against Sirius’ cheek. 

“You’ll just have to settle for getting me out of these wet clothes.” Remus laughed a little, like he found his attempts at flirting ridiculous, but Sirius liked it. 

”Oh yeah?” Sirius mumbled, sliding his fingers up the inside of Remus’ wrist. “How hard was that for you to say?”

“Stop teasing me.”

“You’re right, I’ll have plenty of time for _teasing_ later.”

Remus took Sirius’ hand and tugged him in the direction of the staircase.

Sirius still had his conversation with Amanda in his head as they made their way out of the common room and up the stairs to their dorm. He wanted to show Remus how much he loved him so desperately. He wanted it to always be like this. 

He could still hear the bustle of the Gryffindor common room down below, the laughter and noise of the people he held closest to his heart. Maybe he didn’t have his parents anymore, but with Remus’ hand in his, he felt truly that he was home. He wanted to make up for lost time and dumb arguments. he wanted to start his life right there and then with Remus, with James, Amanda, Lily, everybody who had supported him through his lowest times. Everyone who had overlooked his anger and his confusion because they cared about him.

“Wait,” Remus said, drawing Sirius from his thoughts.

Sirius turned around, confused, just to be met with Remus’ soft hand coming up to rest on Sirius’ face. He pulled Sirius in for a kiss, and Sirius instantly returned it, wrapping his arms around Remus’ hips, moving to kiss his neck. 

“What was the question that Lily asked you earlier during paranoia?” Sirius whispered. 

“Do you really want to know?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded in return. “It’s quite cheesy.”

“I don’t mind.”

Remus sighed, kissed Sirius quickly on the lips, and said, “She asked me who made me feel the warmest inside, and you do. You make me feel happy.” 

Sirius tried to hide his smile. “You make me happier.” 

“C’mon.” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and led them the rest of the way. 

They didn’t make it inside the room before they were kissing again. Remus walked backwards through the doorway as Sirius guided him, never parting. Sirius only just barely remembered to close the door before he was working at the buttons on Remus’ button up. 

For a second, there was this beautiful moment of anticipation that felt so familiar by now. Remus continued pulling them into the room, and their hands were roaming on each other like this was the first time they had touched, and they were shedding their clothes like they were about to jump off a cliff together. And then that moment was over. They were jumping off, hand in hand, waiting for the inevitable moment that they would crash against the water and emerge together. They were falling, eyes closed, hearts hammering against each other, anticipation thrumming in their hearts.

Sirius felt Remus breathe heavily into his mouth, and his hand was an insistent tug at his hair. It felt so deliciously sweet that he couldn’t help but kiss down Remus’ now bare chest. He looked back up at Remus who was looking down at him, honey brown eyes on fire, and he knew his own eyes were dark with desire. 

“Looks like I’m breaking my sobriety tonight,” Sirius whispered into the crook of Remus’ neck, the words traveling with him as he made his way down Remus’ collarbone. 

Remus glanced at him dazed and confused before Sirius bent down and licked Remus where his skin was still sticky with alcohol. Remus’ breath hitched, and his hands found Sirius belt. Sirius knew that it wasn’t nearly enough alcohol to get him drunk, but nevertheless, he felt drunk now. Disoriented by the hard pressure on his lips, and the slide of a tongue in his mouth. His stomach was flipping over and over against, heat pooling everywhere that it possibly could. If he wasn’t drunk now, then he didn’t know how he could have possibly labeled himself drunk all of those other nights.

Once both of their clothes were sprawled on the floor, Sirius lifted Remus onto the bed and climbed over him, kissing a line from his toned abdomen, to his chest, up his neck, finally getting pulled in by Remus’ persistent hands to his mouth. Sirius dragged his own hands down Remus’ sides, feeling needy and hot all over. 

Sirius was a conductor, and Remus was his orchestra, playing in perfect harmony as Sirius’ hands directed him. Remus pressed up against Sirius at the same time that Sirius pressed down to meet him, and their hips fit perfectly together, moving together with a steady rhythm. Remus let out a soft moan that might as well have been a violin by the way it sent chills down Sirius’ arms, sweet and beautiful. Sirius moved in to kiss him again, hard on the lips.

Before he could fully meet his mouth, his kiss was stopped with an open mouth. Remus brought his hand up to Sirius’ face, sliding his thumb down Sirius’ cheek and brushing some of his hair back with his other hand. Everything slowed way down then. Their eyes met each other with both heat and love, their breathing slowed, and Sirius was in love with Remus so much it hurt.

“Baby,” Remus whispered, his lips moving against Sirius’, “we have all night.” 

Sirius let out a breath and met Remus’ mouth for real this time, repeating the words into their kiss. 

“All night.”

And together, they lost themselves in every touch, and found themselves again in one another. 

———

Sirius awoke to the early morning sun pouring in through the partially open curtains. He followed the light with his eyes to where it was leaving its mark across the bare skin of Remus’ back. 

Remus was asleep on his stomach, their white bedspread pooling at his lower back like clouds in the sky. Sirius wondered if he got hot during the night. He admired Remus’ sleeping form, his heart filling with a love and admiration so oneiric, he had to wonder if he was still sleeping. He had to wonder if maybe he had been sleeping this whole time because he couldn’t possibly fathom the idea that he could wake up like this over and over again for the rest of his life. 

Sirius ran his fingers gently over where the light accentuated Remus’ back, just to make sure this wasn’t a dream, and he stopped to kiss the spot on Remus’ spine between his two shoulder blades. Remus stirred a bit, pulling his chin to rest on his hand. He peered through his eyelashes to where Sirius was sitting up next to him. 

“What time is it?” Remus mumbled languidly. 

“Not time to get up yet,” Sirius whispered, going back to tracing patterns down Remus’ back. 

Remus didn’t say anything, but Sirius didn’t miss the grin on his face before he buried his head back into his arms. 

There was a long period of early morning silence, where the sun continued glowing, and the birds were chirping outside, and their last breakfast at Hogwarts for the year was being put out in the Great Hall, but all Sirius wanted to do was stay in that moment, with Remus, taking everything in. 

“I love you, you know that?” Remus’ voice came out muffled and sleepy, but the sentiment was there. 

Sirius curled up next to Remus, kissed his cheek, and whispered back, “I love you too.”

“Forever?”

“And always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, thank you to everyone who has supported me and left comments or kudos. This is my first fic, and there are parts I hate and there are parts I’m really proud of, but I learned a lot along the way, and I never would have finished without everyone’s encouragement! If you enjoyed my writing, I have another fic out that I’m working on called Touch Starved if you want to check it out! There may or may not be a short epilogue to this story, which I’m still deciding on, but as of now, thank you to everyone who made it to the end, and thanks for being so patient with my irregular and slow updates. Love you all!


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